


Someone Amazing

by ntheonlycha



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-03-24 04:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 83,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13803621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ntheonlycha/pseuds/ntheonlycha
Summary: {“So, what’s your story?”“Don’t really have one,” Taekwoon responds simply, smiling gently while dipping his cheek deeper into the pillow.}





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! i am extremely nervous to post this since i am sort of breaking a promise to myself. i wanted to finish this entire story before posting, but it has become much more difficult than expected since this is going to be a long one. i'm kind of in desperate need of motivation to help me through the ending of this story. i'm so close! this will be 4 or 5 parts long. i started this story in june 2017 and finished writing this part months ago. it's been very hard being so excited about this story, but unable to share it for so long. i really hope you guys like this first part! if you do, please leave a comment to let me know. it will help greatly (whether on here, tumblr [ntheonlycha], or twitter [ravblob]). thank you so so so so so much.

“Hey, Wonsik! Hurry up!”

There’s a smirk forming on his face as he takes his time slipping into a fresh t-shirt from the closet after removing the itchy dress shirt he wore earlier to work. It’s a Friday night—one that he has been anticipating for the last few days now. One with fun plans and a celebration. One where he has offered to treat his good friend for working so hard, for getting the promotion he deserves. “Hold on,” he replies out smoothly towards his closed door.

It’s like a release once he exits his room, seeing Jaehwan, his roommate, leaning up against the wall with an impatient pout as he announces, “I’m ready to be treated like the king I truly am.”

 

Wonsik hasn’t been going out too often recently, but he’s beginning to again with Jaehwan helping him back to normalcy. But Wonsik’s not thinking about that right now, not when Jaehwan’s shoving more food in his mouth even when he’s trying to tell a story.

“So, Yoobin was being such a little bitch, like, she could not believe I got the position instead of her. I mean, she’s good, but not as good as me, and not as good as some of the other seven people who applied. What did she expect? Bitchiness doesn’t always win over managers, you know?”

“No, definitely not,” he replies from across the table, a gentle smile forming his lips.

“It’s so stupid. She’s so—god,” Jaehwan goes on, rolling his eyes because he seems to be at a loss to do anything else.

“But you got it. You’re now the lead of the group and you’ll do… Whatever it is you do.”

“Sell shit?”

“Well—sure.”

 

It’s been three years since he and Jaehwan began living together and they have become exceptionally close because of it. They hadn’t known one another prior. Wonsik’s old roommate was someone he was in a serious relationship with. Once they broke up, Wonsik needed someone to help pay the bills. He didn’t know who or what to expect since he was looking for just about anyone who could move in as fast as possible. Somehow, someone normal—someone nice and cool—called him on the phone in desperate need of a place to live quickly, and here they are now, years later, eating burgers together on a Friday night.

To this day he still doesn’t know Jaehwan’s full story, doesn’t know why he was in such a need of a place to live at that time, but he feels the reason may not even matter now, anyway. He still always concludes that Jaehwan is one of his best friends. 

And that’s why he’s so proud to see him succeeding. This dinner is only the beginning of their night. One he promised and followed through on. They’re celebrating alone together now because once they move to a bar, Jaehwan’s many friends will be joining, and the atmosphere and energy will be completely different. He’s actually excited for it, though.

“Ready to have some more fun?” Jaehwan rings in his ear as they walk a couple blocks down to a bar he’s only been to a few times, but one Jaehwan’s a regular at now. “And I mean it. I want you to have fun, too. Go a little wild if you have to and relax. The people here are great and you know my friends.”

He releases a rather large exhale, tossing his arm up and around Jaehwan’s shoulder to smother him in close. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

 

 

The thing is, Wonsik really doesn’t know all of Jaehwan’s friends. It’s impossible to learn and remember all of them since he swears there’s a new crowd around him every time he goes out. He’s a popular guy—life of the party—basically. It often confuses Wonsik more as to how they have become friends in the first place. They’re both so different.

But behind Jaehwan’s often rash language, his kindness is key. He’ll go out of his way to do anything for just about anyone and that makes some sense to Wonsik about it. What gets him the most, what he doesn’t take for granted, is how Jaehwan can and will drop everything for him. How he has helped Wonsik through some of his worst moments, especially recently.

 

The bar is loud, but he doesn’t care. People keep piling in, people Jaehwan seems to know and have experiences and stories with, even if there are at least forty of them in their group so far. Wonsik can’t help but feel out of place even when he’s sitting beside his friend. He usually doesn’t have a problem being social, but in a situation like this one, he finds it hard to act naturally.

A girl to his left keeps smiling at him, asking him simple questions where he gives simple responses back. He feels awkward when he knows he shouldn’t be, but Jaehwan doesn’t help when his intoxicated self is significantly louder than he should be during a moment like this. “He’s gay, Seulbi,” Jaehwan suddenly states.

Wonsik immediately slaps his palms to his face as his blood rushes. It’s not like this is a secret, but he still finds Jaehwan’s method of helping him out extremely embarrassing. Small hands curl and pull against his wrists as he hears Seulbi’s light voice laugh and repeat, “I’m sorry, Wonsik. I’m sorry!”

His own laughter follows as he moves, kicking his chair back as he shoots up towards Jaehwan. “Hey!” He shouts, focusing on the huge grin occupying Jaehwan’s face as he jostles him.

And it is fun. He loses count of how many people he talks to because the number doesn’t matter. He’s had a few drinks at this point and he feels them. Hours keep going by, but Jaehwan’s energy never seems to break. Even more of his friends keep showing up as others head out and the interactions leave Wonsik mesmerized.

 

It’s past midnight and he’s finally getting tired despite all the commotion around him. The week was long and it’s not like the exhaustion is going to stop just because he wants it to by the fifth night of the workweek. Snacks were ordered by someone at some time, so he munches on them as he zones out a little, leaning back into his chair.

This feeling doesn’t last too long, though. He idly glances back up to see another group of Jaehwan’s friends making their way through the bar’s entrance. They’re all more people he doesn’t recognize—that is, except for one. One male with short brunette hair. One with big eyes and a smile that could light up an entire city in a matter of moments. One that once lit up Wonsik’s entire being for two full years. The same one that also completely shattered his heart not even three months ago. 

Wonsik stands up and the immediate movements have Jaehwan focusing on him again, have him understanding the entire story that’s taking place within three short seconds. The unhelpful wide eyes from Jaehwan do nothing to settle his pulse. He takes one more gaze at the boy he once knew and begins walking through the crowded tables to get to the actual bar, quickly taking a seat on one of the free stools.

It’s not like he’s in shock right now, not like he didn’t see Jaehwan mouth ‘I’m sorry’ to him as he turned away, but he still feels an overwhelming numbness. This lack of anything except a rush due to him repressing everything, due to him trying so desperately to not focus on how good and healthy his ex looks. He came in with an effortless smile on his face and Wonsik wonders if he’s alone or if he came with someone else. He wonders if he even noticed Wonsik’s here, if he even considered Wonsik would be here to help celebrate his good friend’s enormous accomplishment.

Either way, he feels hidden at the bar within the opposite side that is filled with other people who are just here to wind down and relax, regulars who are probably already used to the racket that Jaehwan has brought in on this night. He feels like he can breathe better, like he can sip at his water as he shuts his eyes to calm himself.

“Is this seat taken?”

His eyes blink back open as he turns to his right at a man roughly his age placing a couple fingers down on the stool beside his own. “Uh, no, go ahead,” he barely manages.

“Hey, what can I get you?” The bartender begins towards the other man, but Wonsik tunes the rest of the conversation out to focus back on himself.

 

 

Another ten minutes go by and his water glass rings an empty tune as it hits against the coaster. He’s completely drained now, looking back towards Jaehwan and catching sight of the back of his ex’s head by accident again. He sees an arm slung around his shoulder and Wonsik releases a shaky sigh.

“Why’d you leave the party? Too much for you?” The man beside him asks lowly, successfully drawing his attention away from his ex.

“Um, something like that,” he responds softly, tilting his head to flash a forced smile.

The other man hums, his eyes narrowing only slightly as he brings his glass up to his lips. There’s something sensual about his movements, something Wonsik can’t pinpoint if they’re intentional or not. But the look disappears as he continues, “How about I buy you a shot? You seem down.”

Wonsik freezes for a moment, never expecting an offer like that to come from a random stranger at this type of bar. His smile appears genuine and pretty and it almost stops Wonsik from realizing that the man is leaning in closer than he was a minute ago, making him wonder if maybe the look from earlier was actually intentional. “Oh, um… Ah, I’m—fine. Thank you, though. I’m kind of sobering up already. I’ll probably be going home soon.”

“Want… Some company?” The man asks while gazing up towards him. He’s close and there’s something gentle about his tone, something welcoming and easy that seems to infiltrate the mess going on within Wonsik’s mind. Something that has him watching the other man cautiously and finding the flutters from his offer settling nicely within his stomach. It’s surprising, but not enough for him to question it right now.

“Hold on,” Wonsik says, pulling back from their intimate huddle to stand and wave his hands in the air in hopes of catching his roommate’s attention. He makes his way back through the tables until he can grasp Jaehwan’s shoulder and pull him close. “Hey, I’m leaving.”

“Wonsik—I’m so sorry. Are you—” Jaehwan begins, but Wonsik doesn’t want to talk about this right now.

“It’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow. Be safe,” he interrupts and Jaehwan frowns into a firm nod.

 

He heads back towards the bar where the man he was talking with earlier is now on his feet beside their stools. He’s taller than Wonsik expected, but still shorter than himself. He looks up at Wonsik as if he’s waiting for an official response.

“Ready?” Wonsik exhales.

“Your place?”

He’s not sure what exactly it is that compels him to take this man’s hand, but he does. There are a few eyes that make contact with his own as he walks towards the door. His ex’s are large and he stands quickly as if to say something, but he’s far away and Wonsik doesn’t wait for him to do so. It’s actually Jaehwan’s overly concerned expression shooting in his direction that hits him harder, but he still pushes at the door, fingers slightly squeezing the other man’s as they exit through.

 

The air feels chilled through the nighttime darkness, but his racing heart manages to keep him warm. There’s a silence between them that somehow doesn’t feel strange, but it’s broken when he hears a light, “Two men holding hands at night… A little scandalous, don’t you think?”

“I’m sorry,” Wonsik mutters quickly while releasing his hand. “Old habit, I suppose.”

But the man only smiles, curling his freed fingers back at his side and curving his eyes as if he finds the situation amusing. “I was joking.”

 

 

It’s not pain. He won’t let it be right now. It’s his blood surging that’s urging him to feel, to keep going. Shirts are removed as soon as they stumble into Wonsik’s bedroom, shutting the door even though Jaehwan obviously isn’t home, and warm hands hold him at the waist. Lips are soft as Wonsik kisses them, glossy and messily, and the sensations pulsate through his body.

He’s so into this right now—so much that he’s zoning out, losing his mind, and not even thinking. The other man is clearly experienced, quickly finding some of Wonsik’s pleasure spots without ever even touching him before. He likes this, likes this so much, likes that the more he looks at the other man, the more attractive he’s finding him in this moment.

He’s toned and tall—unlike anyone else Wonsik has been with—and his gaze alone is alluring. Half-lidded glances leave Wonsik wanting to know more, to see more, to touch him more. Already unbuttoned pants fully come off before he’s pushed down on the mattress. Hot skin drags against his own before the other man settles on his lap, ripping open a condom wrapper, and rolling it down Wonsik’s clear erection.

Wonsik’s breathing heavily, hormones screaming with lust and desire. It has been months since he’s last had sex with someone, since he felt good enough to even consider it, since he had this overwhelmingly strong drive. The bed jiggles when the man gets on his knees above him, preparing himself briefly before aligning the two of them together.

Wonsik releases a subconscious moan as he watches this take place before him, feeling the pressure once it all happens. His muscles twitch, but his eyes don’t miss a single detail from the man above him. This absolutely stunning man.

“Hey—hey,” Wonsik manages through a harsh breath before any other motions take place. “Your name… What’s your name?”

“Taekwoon,” he whispers with a light smile. “Yours?”

“Wonsik.”

 

Heated kisses combined with quick movements keep both of them vocal. Taekwoon’s sweat drips and glistens against his skin, creating a sight that’s not only beautiful, but also intensely hot. It makes him remember what he’s doing, who he’s doing. Taekwoon isn’t his boyfriend, isn’t his ex that he saw earlier, isn’t anyone he knows. But there’s a spark—clear and intimate—causing him to push all of those other thoughts away, to desire nothing but the exploration of more. More of Taekwoon, more of these feelings—ones so strong, so clearly brought back out by his past passions trying to resurge through him. In the back of his mind, he knows these feelings can’t be love, but they’re coming off so similarly that he’s having a hard time differentiating the overwhelming amounts of emotions right now.

Taekwoon gasps out of exhaustion as he takes a moment to pause and recollect himself, but Wonsik doesn’t let him remain on top for this. He reaches out for Taekwoon’s sides, rolling him down against the bed beside him. And they simply kiss like this. Raw and sloppily, hands grasping Wonsik’s shoulders while his own dip beneath to cradle Taekwoon’s head. His fingers comb through Taekwoon’s dampened, black hair. It’s not too long, but the thicken strands of his fringe stick to his forehead whenever they try to fall back into place. Taekwoon’s still watching him carefully, gliding his legs against Wonsik’s until they’re pressed together, moving together again.

 

Wonsik’s the first to laugh once they both calm down a little. Taekwoon groans, lulling his head back against the pillow while his arms spread out. Legs relax within Wonsik’s hold and he works with Taekwoon to place them down comfortably and sit back in between them.

He just breathes through his parted lips, trying to cool down, but the apartment is just so hot that it almost seems like a useless effort. Taekwoon doesn’t seem to be doing any better.

“Do you want some water?” Wonsik asks lightly, letting his fingers brush gently against Taekwoon’s burning skin.

“I’m okay,” he’s quick to exhale, but Wonsik’s up off the bed anyway.

The bedroom window gets pushed open all the way, allowing a light chill to make its way inside. He tosses his condom into the trash beside his bed and looks back over at Taekwoon who is still panting quietly. He doesn’t want to leave him, but he runs out of the room to get two glasses of water. Jaehwan’s not home—he doesn’t care that he’s still naked throughout the apartment.

 

Taekwoon really doesn’t drink the water, but he does roll over to use a tissue to clean himself up a little bit. “You don’t do this often, do you?” he questions once Wonsik makes it back in bed.

If it weren’t for the calming tingles still resonating throughout his body, he might have thought a little deeper on this question. “No, never have.”

This causes Taekwoon’s lips to curve. “Ah, I could tell this isn’t typical for you. You were very gentle once you flipped us.”

But Wonsik frowns slightly, not knowing how to take in a comment like that. “I’m sorry… Was it bad?”

Taekwoon’s very nonchalant with his response, focusing on folding the tissue in his hand before leaning over to toss it with the remainder of their remnants. “No, it was great. You just took me by surprise. I’m not really used to people being that gentle in similar situations.”

He’s not sure why he feels embarrassment, but the immense amount of blood rushing to his face says otherwise. “I don’t think I can sleep with someone and not treat them like they’re special,” Wonsik admits in a whisper.

Taekwoon pauses, laying back down to face Wonsik with a softening expression. “That’s sweet.”

He covers his face with his arm, only leaving enough space to peek an eye out back towards Taekwoon. “I’ll do better next time.”

“Next time,” Taekwoon echoes lightly before completely changing his tone, shifting his position a little into a more comfortable one to ask, “So tell me, what’s a guy like you sitting alone at a bar when your friend is having a party?”

He smiles at the quick switch of the subject. “Do you know Jaehwan? Were you there for him?”

Taekwoon blinks, glancing up at the ceiling to think. “No, not personally. I am at the bar fairly often, so I’ve seen him around.”

Wonsik rearranges himself as he chuckles lightly, thinking about what that party might have looked like from an outside perspective. “Sorry for all the commotion.”

“I don’t mind. I got to meet you.”

“Ah,” Wonsik releases, finding a calming warmth growing within his chest at the subtle comment.

“What happened that bummed you out?” Taekwoon attempts to ask again, seeming genuinely curious by the look on his face.

“Oh, um… Everything was fine until my ex showed up,” he begins following a sigh. “I think he came with someone else, but I didn’t look closely enough to know for sure. I did originally meet him through Jaehwan, but… I wasn’t expecting to see him nor did I want to.”

“Mm,” Taekwoon hums, “That makes sense. Bad breakup?”

“Pretty much. He—he cheated on me.”

 

It’s not like Wonsik intended to share this story, but in the relaxed moment, it feels nice to let it out. Taekwoon’s close and warm, listening, and holding contact with his intense gaze. He tells him how his ex, Joonhyun, apparently was seeing another guy for at least the last six months of their relationship. Wonsik was in love, so in love that he thought he’d never have to date again because he found the one. But it just happened that one day Joonhyun’s phone was going off while he was in the shower and Wonsik went to get it for him. The call was missed, but text conversations still showed up on the screen. Confusing words were used, sexual innuendos joked about, and Wonsik brought it up once Joonhyun was out of the washroom.

Turned out, there really wasn’t anything to be confused about. Wonsik was simply oblivious. The fight lasted for hours, all throughout the night. Jaehwan eventually left to give them privacy, but it didn’t matter anyway. There wasn’t much to argue about after a while since the conclusions were straightforward.

Joonhyun packed his belongings and left that night. He didn’t cry, didn’t seem to show any bit of remorse, and Wonsik was left devastated, heartbroken, and even more doubtful of himself ever since. Only afterwards did he really start to put the pieces together, see times when Joonhyun was unresponsive or completely disinterested towards the end. He never did get a reason, a chance to do better, an apology. Jaehwan’s the one who has been helping him since, but he still doesn’t feel like his old self quite yet. He’s still numbed. Still sad.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Taekwoon murmurs, his empathy obvious within his tone, within his frown.

“Yeah, it was… Almost three months ago. That’s the first time I’ve seen him since,” he begins, dropping his eyes away from the other’s. “God, I… Wish I hadn’t.”

“Do you still love him?”

There it is. The word that makes everything come crashing down, that reminds him of all the good times. The moment is nice as he begins to smile at the flash of memories, but then it’s lost when reality catches up. There’s the pain.

“I… Don’t want to.”

Despite him quickly sinking, Taekwoon remains unaffected, tone still the same as he continues casually. “You deserve someone better. Try going to one of the bars a few blocks down. More gay guys there, I’ve found out.”

The direct passiveness stops him from falling any deeper, bringing his attention back to the man in bed with him currently. “How did you know about me?”

“Your roommate’s kind of loud.”

That surprisingly gets another chuckle out of Wonsik. “He is.” But he’s still curious. “So, what’s your story?”

“Don’t really have one,” Taekwoon responds simply, smiling gently while dipping his cheek deeper into the pillow. The one eye that isn’t hidden against the folds of the case narrows behind Taekwoon’s fallen hairs and Wonsik reaches his hand out to softly brush them back.

Because he’s captivated. “Your eyes are beautiful—like—you’re stunning, you know that?”

The comment causes his lids to shut, but Wonsik doesn’t think it takes away from his beauty. “Thank you.”

He leans in, curving a hand through the black hair in order to grip the back of Taekwoon’s neck. They kiss again, softly, the most relaxed they have throughout the night. He wants to keep going, feeling his blood picking up speed once again, but Taekwoon is the first to push back on his chest to break them apart.

“What time is it?” he asks suddenly.

“What?”

“Time?”

Wonsik hesitantly retreats his hand so he can roll over to see the alarm clock hidden behind some unfolded clothes on his dresser. “It’s 2:45.”

Taekwoon’s expression changes abruptly. “I need to… Get going.”

“Wait, what?” He questions quickly while watching Taekwoon get out of bed and begin slipping back into his clothes. “It’s late. At least stay until morning. I was thinking we could get breakfast or something if you wanted...”

“I’m sorry—I can’t,” Taekwoon says, leaning down to grab his shirt off the floor.

Wonsik follows him, reaching for his underwear and stumbling behind him out of his bedroom door. “Do you need anything?” he questions softly, already realizing there’s not much he can do at this point.

Taekwoon shakes his head. “I had a good time. I’ll see you around.”

“Um, yeah,” are the only sounds Wonsik can seem to release. “See you—”

 

And he is gone just like that. The clock in the kitchen reads 2:49 AM as he passes it and Wonsik immediately heads back to his room, where, not even five minutes ago he was sharing a moment with another person. He picks up his empty water glass, leaving the full one Taekwoon never touched for later, and rinses it out quickly in the sink.

The events that just happened were all so sudden that he’s finally starting to catch up. He’s disappointed things ended that way, but he thinks maybe Taekwoon had a good reason to leave when he did. Maybe he really will see him around. He’d like to. He liked Taekwoon. Thoroughly enjoyed his company.

While he brushes his teeth, he reaches for his phone on the dresser, and presses the button to light up the screen. Two unread messages from Jaehwan.

 _‘KIM WONSIK’_ 12:53 AM

 _‘DO NOT SLEEP WITH THAT GUY’_ 12:54 AM

 

 

All he can do is groan as his bedroom door slams against the wall when it’s forced open. The sun is shining into his room through the window he left open and the overwhelming noises of stomping irritate him to his core, but he’s too out of it to do anything to stop them.

“Wonsik,” he hears Jaehwan’s voice. “Thank god—Wonsik.”

He rolls over, but keeps his eyes closed even when a hand grasps his arm. He hasn’t had nearly enough sleep to function properly yet.

“You didn’t sleep with him, right?” Jaehwan’s voice softens while his grip sure doesn’t.

But Wonsik just wants him to go away. “I did,” he mutters against his sheets.

 

He must have fallen back to sleep because when he wakes up again, Jaehwan isn’t around and his door isn’t completely shut like how he left it overnight, but it’s not wide open. It’s the afternoon already.

The floor to his room isn’t exactly the cleanest, but he wouldn’t call it messy, either. He’s looking for signs of the events from last night to remind him of the memories and feelings, although there’s nothing of Taekwoon’s that was left behind. The only evidence are wrappers and tissues thrown away in the trash.

He showers and pulls some leftovers out of the fridge to settle the grumbling in his stomach. The numbness is back, he can feel it—or lack thereof—as he eats. Joonhyun comes to mind first. He stood up as Wonsik was leaving, finally noticing he was also at the bar, but Wonsik still ran out. Beside the couple from Jaehwan, he didn’t have any new texts, although it’s not that surprising since he assumes Joonhyun must have deleted his number long ago.

He wonders what words Joonhyun might have said to him if he had stuck around. Would they have been pleasant? Would he have gotten his explanation? His apology? A request to try again? Would he even accept that request?

Joonhyun was never one to be rude. Not until the end, at least. Or maybe there was more to it than Wonsik was aware of. There was a lot Wonsik wasn’t aware of, after all.

Then there was Taekwoon. He was… Nice. Nice to hold, to kiss, to talk to. Being with him made Wonsik feel again.

But he only feels dumb now, almost. Silly, even. He learned nothing about Taekwoon because his one question was avoided. Everyone has a story. There was a reason Taekwoon was at that bar last night and a reason he went home with Wonsik. Yet, he’ll never know since he’s gone, leaving no phone number, no message, and no form of further communication. He’ll probably never see Taekwoon again. And that’s most likely why Jaehwan’s upset.

 

 

Jaehwan’s home a few hours later and they immediately find each other in the kitchen. He explains most of the night without giving away too many of the personal details. Jaehwan frowns and crosses his arms, but he listens to it all, only talking once Wonsik gives him the floor to.

“I can’t believe you had a one night stand,” he shakes his head, putting the spatula in his hand down against the counter. “Like, I get it. You’ve been dry for months, okay? But I know you. I know that’s not what you want and I don’t want you to get hurt again, especially not from some slutty guy at the bar.”

Hearing that term causes Wonsik’s brows to scrunch. Taekwoon was a lot, but he didn’t think he was that. “He wasn’t slutty at all.”

Jaehwan turns away from his fish cooking on the burner, “Listen, every time I’ve seen that guy he’s left with a different person. That’s what he’s at the bar for. I’m sorry, Wonsik… You were just his pick of the day.” Something in Wonsik’s stomach drops at that. He can’t manage any words, so his roommate continues as his attention returns to his meal, “I’m the worst friend. I should have noticed and stopped you before it ever happened.”

But Wonsik is still at a loss, his mind trying to focus on anything positive. So, his tone softens as he asks, “Do you see him at the bar often?”

Jaehwan sends him a firm glance, dropping his jaw slightly before roughing out, “Did you even hear what I just said? I’m saying he sleeps with a bunch of people. He’s not going to date you like you want someone to and he’s certainly not going to care about you like that.”

“But there was a connection.”

This time Jaehwan’s flabbergasted. His expression is nearly blank before he immediately raises his voice. “Oh my god, Wonsik. You can’t just fall in love with anyone you sleep with.” His arms stretch out to his sides to add emphasis, but he turns back around towards his food, shutting off the fire and moving the pan aside. “Did you even get his name?”

“Taekwoon,” Wonsik sighs out.

But it’s still not enough to satisfy Jaehwan. “Surname?”

“I… Don’t know that.”

“Okay, look. You said he just randomly left during the night. This isn’t some Cinderella bullshit, it’s a one night stand. Again, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop this, but it will be fine. You’ll move on. Just don’t get all wrapped up with this guy. If he wanted to see you again he would have left his number or something. I’m sorry, Wonsik. I’m really sorry.”

Jaehwan’s right. Wonsik doesn’t need to dive any deeper in order to know Jaehwan is right, but that doesn’t take away from his feelings, from his desires that were fulfilled for even just a few hours last night. He does want a nice relationship, a stable one, a loyal and trustworthy one. One like he’s never had before. He hasn’t dated a lot, but he has experience with long relationships since he likes those the best. It’s just that his two most recent… Have been more painful than anything else.

And that reminds him. “Why was Joonhyun there last night?”

This causes Jaehwan’s expression to drop again. “I don’t know. I certainly didn’t invite him, so he must have found out through someone else and showed up anyway.”

He’s looking down at the ground, watching Jaehwan’s bare feet go across the floor as he moves into the other room to eat. “When I was leaving, he stood up like he wanted to say something to me, but I just left. Did he mention anything to you?”

Jaehwan sits on their couch, sending Wonsik another saddened look and a small shake of his head. “I’m sorry,” he repeats again.

 

 

 

Another two months go by and not much changes. Wonsik’s job keeps him busy during the week, but he’s slowed down his ventures out with Jaehwan during the weekends. It’s not like anything has changed—two months isn’t really a long time. But it has provided Wonsik with more opportunities to sit and think about what he truly desires. He hasn’t heard from or seen either Joonhyun or Taekwoon after that night, but it doesn’t stop him from thinking about them. Joonhyun a little less often then he used to, but memories of Taekwoon still come up when he least expects them to.

Jaehwan has moved on to a different bar to explore since the usual one took his favorite meal off the menu. This hasn’t stopped Wonsik from still visiting at least once a week on his own. It’s not that he’s hoping he’ll run into one of them there again, but he feels like that place has opened up so many questions that he’s wondering if their answers will come eventually if he keeps searching for them.

But they don’t seem to be. It’s another Friday night. Jaehwan went out on his own with some friends and Wonsik is here at this very bar, sitting in the seat Taekwoon sat in when they first spoke to one another. He feels ridiculous at this point. He used to only have one guy on his mind and ever since a couple of months ago he now has two. Two that he realizes there’s a good chance he’ll never meet again and that he’s only wasting his time. The other week Jaehwan came home to him just lying on the couch with the television off. His tone sullen when he asked gently, “How long are you going to mope around for?”

Wonsik knows he didn’t mean those words in a bad way, but they still don’t make him feel good. He’s pathetic and he’s aware of it. He can’t seem to get over a past lover and now he’s also added the more recent memories of a pleasurable one night stand to the arsenal.

He wants to feel loved. To have the same feelings he’s giving someone else reciprocated back. He wants loyalty. He wants to find that person. But he’s fearful, wondering if there even is a point to try anymore. Not just Joonhyun, but his previous partner cheated on him as well. Once was one thing, but having it happen twice in a row hurt even more. It’s not that he completely blames Joonhyun, but also himself. The experiences and lingering pain make him hesitant to date anyone anymore.

“Would you like another one?” The bartender asks while wiping up the spot next to him. His glass is near empty at this moment.

“Um,” he releases, staring at the bronzed liquid. “I’m good here. I’ll take my receipt.”

He signs his name and hands the pen back, looking up at the bartender before standing up. There’s a pause after she thanks him that he gazes into her eyes, trying to remember if she was the one working the night he met Taekwoon.

“Hey, by any chance do you know a guy named Taekwoon that comes here?”

“Taekwoon?” She questions, humming slightly as she takes Wonsik’s glass back behind the counter. “Sorry, I don’t know anyone with that name.”

“Ah, alright. Thank you.”

“Have a good one.”

 

 

“Want to come to a birthday party? It’s for Boyeon,” Jaehwan asks while standing in the doorway of Wonsik’s room. He had just gotten out of the shower and the steam pours in from behind him.

Wonsik glances up from over his laptop. “Who?”

“A friend from university,” he explains while rubbing a towel through his hair. “It’s all day tomorrow at an orchard like thirty minutes outside the city. Lots of people are going to be there since she was one of those super popular girls. I think you’d have a good time and you might even meet someone.”

There’s a moment where he considers it, but ultimately, an answer comes to him strongly. He really doesn’t feel like doing anything, especially an all day event that’s far from home. “I’ll pass, but I hope you have fun though. Be safe.” He forces a smile because he knows it will make Jaehwan feel better about it.

“Aw,” his roommate pouts. “What are you going to do tomorrow?”

Jaehwan’s expression isn’t going to work on him this time. He gives a shrug and proclaims, “This?”

 

Jaehwan’s home for a little bit in the morning, but Wonsik’s too sleepy to even register him being around. They share silent waves and his roommate is gone once he emerges from the shower. The time is almost noon already and he curses at himself for sleeping in so late again, but he’s not bothered too much by it in the end. Less time to kill until he gets to sleep again.

He understands that way of thinking is bad, Jaehwan has forced that sentiment into his head over and over again, yet he can’t let it go. 

It’s only once the sun begins its downward descend that he puts on some clean clothes and heads out. He decides on comfort food today. Something warm that he can enjoy alone, scrolling endlessly through his phone as he eats at an outside patio table. The air feels nice tonight—not too cold with a mix of clouds shielding him from the bright setting sun. Scents from baked goods and freshly cut grass overwhelm his senses in a pleasant way. They keep him out and walking along the sidewalk instead of heading back home.

Before he realizes it, he’s back at his now usual bar, peeking in through a clear window to get a glimpse at who might be inside, but never actually going in. There’s really no reason to anymore, so he keeps on down the street.

A few blocks over he comes across another bar he’s never been to and he wonders if it’s one that Taekwoon mentioned he might have better luck at. Again, he glances in through a window and it appears to have a very similar vibe to the last. The place looks full, but not too crowded, and he decides to give it a shot.

No one looks familiar, then again, he’s not expecting anyone to. The middle seat at the bar is open, so he quickly slides in and waits for the bartender to approach him.

“Cheapest whiskey, please,” he requests with a smile. The male bartender is quite intimidating looking, but his goal isn’t to impress him. At least, not with his alcohol choices.

“That’s pretty funny,” a female next to him begins. She has a stack of empty glasses beside the one in her hand, but she doesn’t seem drunk despite her small size. “You could have just gone with the cheapest brand.”

Wonsik laughs lightly at her, finding himself a bit self-conscious, but still not letting it get to him all that much. “It’s easier this way.”

“I suppose you’re right in that sense,” she smirks with a lift of her shoulders in return.

He doesn’t mean to get into a whole conversation with this woman, but he does. Her smile is nice, appearance overall pretty, but it’s not like it’s doing anything for him. She’s laughing a lot and touching a hand to his arm and he’s wondering when and how he’s supposed to break the bad news to her if she tries anything else.

Thankfully, he doesn’t have to. “I should get going. My husband is here to pick me up. It was nice chatting with you.” She gets up to leave and a heavy waft of perfume hits him stronger than it did when she was stationary.

He shuts his eyes, trying not to imagine what her relationship with her husband must be like, and turns back towards his drink. There’s only a short moment of clarity before he hears a soft, “Hey stranger,” from the once empty spot beside him. “Took my advice, but now you’re talking to girls?”

His eyes slowly graze back over to his side, focusing on a familiar snicker and black tousled hair. It takes a moment and a few blinks before the other man looks back at him, eyes enlarge and curved, and Wonsik only releases a whispery, “Taekwoon…”

“Oh,” he perks slightly, a surprised look forming his expression. “You remember my name?”

Wonsik doesn’t even know how he could begin forgetting. “Of course. Do you remember mine?”

Taekwoon’s lips curl as he turns to look straight ahead again. “How could I forget the guy who treated me like I was special?”

“Oh god,” Wonsik utters horrifically, his face dropping as he leans his forehead down on his arm. “You don't have to say it like that.”

This causes a laughter to erupt out of Taekwoon beside him. “Hey, your words—not mine.” His head lifts and pleasant smiles are exchanged between him and the other man. And it feels so good to see him again, relieving in some sense. “So, how have you been, Wonsik?”

The short conversations and small talk are surprisingly easy. Taekwoon’s bubbly character isn’t exactly a side he’s seen before, but he’s enamored by it. By his grins and how he often tries to hide himself within his collar. He’s cute.

“Have you talked with your ex?” Taekwoon questions after a moment, as if he was having a difficult time remembering all of Wonsik’s issues, but still somehow recalling this one.

He shakes his head, feeling his face fall involuntarily at just the mention. “No, I haven’t seen him since the day I met you.”

“Probably better, right? He’s the one who cheated on you.”

“Um,” Wonsik releases instead of an actual response. “I suppose.”

Again, Taekwoon doesn’t seem bothered by the way the conversation trails off. Instead, he shoots Wonsik a widened gaze as he asks, “Will you let me buy you a shot this time?”

It’s not that he drinks that much these days. He did immediately after the breakup, but he could only handle so much puking and debilitating hangovers that the phase didn’t last long. Jaehwan got sick of it as well. He’s only one drink in at this point and Taekwoon appears hopeful, so he gives in.

Two small shot glasses are placed in front of them. He doesn’t even ask what it is as each take one. Taekwoon raises his up, looking over at Wonsik as he says, “To life,” and they both down theirs.

The burn is so strong that Wonsik chokes up some light coughs. “That was awful,” he admits roughly, letting the glass hit back on the counter almost forcefully.

Taekwoon’s laughing again, his eyes lighting up as their shoulders brush together. “Palate cleanser.”

“Why?”

He can see Taekwoon moving in, staring at his lips before blinking up at him as if for permission. And it’s a slow draw, softly molding their lips together as his arm goes around Taekwoon’s back to hold him in close. There’s that spark he remembers, the distinct feeling within his chest sending off signals of lust that immediately have his heartbeat reacting. He had not prepared himself for another meeting like this.

But he jumps at the loud smashing sound of a copper mug against the counter. Both of them break and stare at the bartender looming before them. “Uh, uh, uh, none of that here,” he says in a stern tone, not letting his gaze with Wonsik fall even when he wants it to.

“Why, because we’re men?” Taekwoon spits with a smirk on his face.

Yet, the bartender has no significant reaction. “I don’t give a shit what you are. I know where actions like that lead and I’m not about to let that happen here. You want to slobber all over each other? Fine, but do it elsewhere.”

There’s a silence between the two of them that Wonsik doesn’t want to be the one to break. “Fine, fine,” Taekwoon eventually gives in, waving his hand up in the air. “I’ll pay next time, Jinho.”

He didn’t realize they knew each other. The bartender doesn’t say anything else to him, but still rolls his eyes in return. He turns his attention back towards Wonsik this time and continues, “Careful with this guy. He’s bad news, I’m telling you.”

“What?” Wonsik asks quickly as he smiles out of confusion. This entire conversation feels over his head.

But before anything else can be said between the two of them, fingers curl around his own with a pulling tug. His eyes tear away from the already disinterested bartender to focus behind him on Taekwoon shining into a large grin as he encourages Wonsik to follow along.

 

The sky is dark even when it’s not all that late yet. Taekwoon blames the clouds as he points upright, still leaning his side against Wonsik’s for support. Leaving the bar together feels different this time. They aren’t so much strangers anymore, but Wonsik still knows very little about the other man the he’s with, the other man he remains holding hands with.

The event almost feels like a date even when he knows it’s not. They’re simply walking in a direction, passing groups of people and other civilians going through the remainder of their day.

“What are you doing tonight?” Taekwoon asks in a casual tone while looking out in front of them.

Wonsik glances down at the concrete after he makes eye contact with an elderly woman who was looking at their hands. He wonders if he should let go, but it doesn’t seem like Taekwoon minds at the moment. “Nothing really. I didn’t even plan to go to the bar, so this has all been on the spot decisions so far. What about you?”

They turn towards one another while waiting at a crosswalk. “I mean, I’d be happy to stay with you.”

 

 

And that’s really all it takes, all he needs to say. They make their way back to Wonsik’s apartment and already clothes are coming off. Wonsik’s mind is overwhelmed by everything, but his excitement doesn’t let any of it stop.

Taekwoon lets himself fall back against his mattress and Wonsik’s quickly crawling on after him to follow. The dynamics are different this time, less cautious as they both have some inkling as to how this is going to go already. Wonsik tries to keep control, tries to let himself adapt to the good signals Taekwoon’s sending him back, tries to not let himself fall back into the same gentle rhythm he was in last time.

He’s still embarrassed when he thinks about it, even when it’s obvious by the way Taekwoon’s legs spread for him that it wasn’t a complete turn off. He’s faster with his movements, hearing the sounds and feeling his body flare up to the edge, but then suddenly slowing to preserve the moment.

Taekwoon whimpers during these cool downs, returning the kisses with urgency and desire. He’s much more open and versatile to whatever Wonsik wants to do this time. He’s not complaining about their breaks, about how Wonsik keeps flipping him over, or how Wonsik is leading on his own.

And it’s hot, it’s new, and Wonsik’s completely overtaken by it. Taekwoon hits his back with a cry when he suddenly slows for the fourth time. He’s chuckling into their kisses, letting the feelings that he’s gathering simmer and set in as the heat between them just keeps increasing to an almost unbearable state.

 

Taekwoon’s chest rises up and down quickly once it’s over. Wonsik is fast to roll off him, but that doesn’t stop their eyes from remaining connected. “God—that—,” Taekwoon starts as he continues to struggle. “—Wonsik, that was not like last time.”

“You said I was too gentle,” he attempts to pout, but it just turns into a snicker.

Taekwoon flips onto his stomach and drops his head into his arms. His voice comes out muffled, “I said you were gentle, but not in a bad way.”

The way his dark hair falls against his forearms has Wonsik reaching his hand over to work it back, tucking what he can behind his flushed ears. “How was it this time? Good?”

“Yeah…,” he hears an airy sigh.

 

“How’d you get that bruise on your leg?” Wonsik asks after a few more minutes of them slowly returning to a normal condition. He had noticed the purple mark immediately once Taekwoon’s pants came off, but he didn’t want to mention it in the moment. He even hates that he’s bringing it up now since there’s a large possibility he doesn’t actually want to hear the answer.

“I have a bruise?” Taekwoon pushes up against the mattress to lift his torso, looking back at his lower half. “Oh, I do. Must have come from work.”

“Work?” Wonsik doesn’t mean to frown, but he does. “What do you do?”

This is where Taekwoon’s expression falters and his voice somewhat softens from his usual self-assured state. “Heavy lifting, mainly. What do you do for a living?”

He glances back down at Taekwoon’s leg, not really ready to move on from the subject, but Taekwoon’s uncomfortable response doesn’t make him feel like pressing deeper will help anything. Instead he just answers the question at hand. His job isn’t exactly something he’s proud of, something he can gloat about. “I work… Human resources at a car company.”

At least it brings a smile back to Taekwoon’s face. “Ah, sounds official. What company? Hyundai?”

“No, we just make the parts, not the cars themselves,” he explains lightly.

“Tell me about it.”

It’s not often people are interested in his life like this. Not even Joonhyun asked much, he realized only after they broke up. Wonsik simply determines it’s his own attitude that turns people away from questioning more. He’s not in love with his job by any means, but it pays the rent.

He’s the youngest in his department. The rest being middle aged women and a few older men up the chain controlling everything. Because of this hierarchy, he feels more like a glorified secretary than anything else. He files paperwork, contacts insurance companies, and transfers phone calls to others within his group when workers don’t feel comfortable confining in him or start yelling at him when they think their paychecks are short. He hopes one day to move up and get promoted, but he wonders if that will only happen once a new person from a younger generation is hired.

Taekwoon finds this amusing even when Wonsik’s sighing out at the end of his sentences. “A job’s a job,” he says, curving his eyes in a way that makes Wonsik feel better.

“So, what do you do?” He tries to dig into this again. Taekwoon happily listens to everything he yaps about, but doesn’t seem to share anything about himself. “Are you working in a warehouse or something?”

“Not a warehouse, but I am moving around boxes and materials. I must have run into something to get that bruise on my calf.”

Wonsik’s not sure what exactly to believe. His hand grazes over the colorful mark on Taekwoon’s bent leg and it seems to change the atmosphere between them. He can feel himself caring. “Be careful.”

“I will be,” Taekwoon responds, softening his expression when Wonsik looks back at him.

 

“Do you want to stay the night?” He asks a bit later. It feels like they have just been laying around for a long time even when it has only been about half an hour since they started talking.

He’s already noticing Taekwoon’s ability to run around a question as he instead asks, “Where’s your roommate? The loud guy…”

“Oh, Jaehwan?” Wonsik begins, “He went to this all day birthday party for a friend. I don’t know when he’ll be back.”

“What time is it? It can’t be too late right now,” Taekwoon sits up, crawling just his upper half over Wonsik to see the hidden clock.

Wonsik’s urge to wrap his arms around him is strong, but he reluctantly holds off as Taekwoon sits back. “I can’t stay the full night, but I still have some time.”

“Are you hungry? Do you want to get some food?”

“I’m good,” Taekwoon quickly turns down.

Wonsik raises his eyebrow. “Something to drink?”

“I’m fine, really.”

Taekwoon lies back down beside him, changing the subject immediately as he does so, back to what they had done prior in the night. “I’m still surprised about earlier.”

“You said it was good. Are you changing your mind?”

“No, it was. I was just… Expecting you to be gentle again.”

Wonsik frowns, unsure on how to respond to that.

“I really liked it,” Taekwoon admits as his eyes veer to the side. His tone is different, more serious, and this seems like another side of Taekwoon that Wonsik hasn’t witnessed before.

Somehow, this makes Wonsik sad and he’s not entirely sure as to why. It could be the almost vulnerable expression Taekwoon is sending him or the thought that despite all the people Jaehwan claims Taekwoon has slept with, none must have treated him all that well if Wonsik’s the one that stands out.

Yet, there’s this strange sense of pride that he can provide this for him. His hand runs gently against Taekwoon’s cheek to bring his attention back towards his own gaze. “I mean, we can definitely do that next time if you’d like.”

“Can next time be now?”

 

He can already tell this is a bad idea. His instincts are telling him to do anything else right now because he’s not sure he can keep up dissociating his feelings. Joonhyun comes to mind again. He hates it, hates that this happens, but he loved him. He loved every part of him and sex was just another way he could attempt to intimately display that. And those emotions remain harbored within him as he mentally prepares himself for what he’s about to do.

Joonhyun and Taekwoon are nothing alike. Physically, Taekwoon is much taller, bigger overall, with hair and skin that have a completely different texture. His lips are smoother and hands holding back onto him are larger. Mentally, Joonhyun didn’t have the confidence Taekwoon has. He was shyer about intimacy like this, less experienced, and still anxiety ridden at times about his own needs and personal desires.

That’s what makes it easier for Wonsik to push Joonhyun out of his mind when he’s focusing all of these feelings on Taekwoon. He has a lot of love to give. Joonhyun didn’t want it. His past partners didn’t want it. But maybe… Maybe Taekwoon will, despite what Jaehwan has already told him.

He takes Taekwoon’s hand as he guides him up to follow. There’s a little wobble in his step once his feet catch him off the bed, but Wonsik’s grip is enough to support him. The look on his face is soft and a little lost. He seems delicate in this state, but Wonsik can’t tell if it’s a façade or not.

It doesn’t matter right now because it’s affecting him. It’s still getting to him. Taekwoon’s pressed against him as they’re standing like this, lips together, with hands gliding smoothly across warm skin.

Part of this is speed—the buildup—and it’s a process. Kissing and touching, hand movements and tongue flicks slow, but deliberate. Small motions that eventually draw out naturally longer and needier moans, a subtle heat that grows into an intense burn. Meaningful and precise, gentle and caring—all passions Wonsik’s overflowing with, desperate to share.

“No marks,” Taekwoon whispers when Wonsik’s been concentrating on his neck and collar for the last few minutes.

He hums in response, not planning on any of that, anyway, and continuing to focus as to not let the implications of those words get to his head.

Taekwoon’s eyes are shut when he pulls back. His cheeks are colorfully painted and beautiful, so Wonsik presses his lips to them before sitting Taekwoon back down on the very edge of the bed. They look at one another as his hands continue to run down Taekwoon’s body, his curves, as Wonsik lowers himself by getting down on his knees.

 

He’s sweating a lot more than he was before, but he doesn’t really pay much attention to it. Taekwoon’s face is held in his hands as he moves, as he angles himself and kisses at the same time. He slows until there are whines, circles his hips until there are whimpers, and there are moments where they gaze at one another and Wonsik makes it apparent to hold them, to only lose them when they kiss or roll over. And they do flip, Taekwoon’s limbs grasp onto him with need, arms wrapped around his neck as he tucks his face in. His breath is incredibly hot, his body wonderful and pleasurable, and Wonsik starts picking up his speed.

Moans spill out from both of them. He's fast, but consistent, making sure every movement is electing a response from the man against him.

Taekwoon’s done first, gasping and gripping, but Wonsik finishes right after. They don’t release one another. Instead they roll to the point Taekwoon is halfway on top of him while his hold onto Wonsik’s neck remains necessary. Wonsik’s ears are ringing, listening to his own erratic pulse and Taekwoon’s heavy panting as he attempts to calm everything down.

His fingers gently drag up and down through the damp hairs at the nape of Taekwoon’s neck as he stares up at the blank ceiling. His thoughts feel all over the place. He even thinks if he were alone, he might break right now just from the jumble of it all, but he holds them in since Taekwoon slowly picks himself up only to fall back over beside him again.

He’s still breathing deeply with his lips parted and hair falling back against his face. He can’t look away because Taekwoon’s so attractive, so beautiful, so… Overwhelming because Wonsik’s struggling to place his emotions. He feels so strongly, so attached, so invested—in love.

It’s not true, though. The feelings aren’t real, they can’t be. He doesn’t know Taekwoon. He doesn’t know anything. It’s sex. Just sex. Only sex. The bartender is right. Jaehwan is right. It’s not—

“That was close,” Taekwoon suddenly exhales out. “That was so fucking close.”

“Close—what?” He blabs within the moment.

“So close,” Taekwoon repeats once again, tone airy and spent. “If I’m not careful, I swear I… I might fall in love with you.”

Wonsik’s absolutely speechless. His spine tingles as his breath hitches into a cough. “Is that… Is that a bad thing?”

“I’m saying that you’re good. Really good,” he follows up with, drawing out his syllables towards the end.

Wonsik is still at a loss. He can’t make sense of all these words, can’t understand what Taekwoon truly means behind them. All he wants to do is pull Taekwoon against him again and cuddle together until he can figure everything out.

“Wonsik,” he calls and that snaps him back into some form of this reality. “Thank you.”

“No… No problem. It was good for me, too,” he simply says in return.

There’s a look on Taekwoon’s face that he wishes there wasn’t. It’s not so much a frown as it is some form of concern. “You alright?”

The delay he gives is quite apparent, but eventually Wonsik sends a small nod, confirming, “Yeah I—I just really need some water.”

 

Jaehwan’s not home, thankfully, although part of him sort of wishes he were so he could yell and scream and slap some sense back into Wonsik. He made a mistake and it’s obvious by the drop in his stomach once he gets back into his room and sees Taekwoon’s long body looking surprisingly small as he’s curled with one of Wonsik’s pillows.

“Hey, I also got you some water. Don’t tell me you don’t need it because we were both sweating like crazy,” he steadies his voice as he leans over the bed, holding the cup in front of Taekwoon’s face until he takes it.

There’s a silence that returns as he sits back on the mattress. Taekwoon still doesn’t drink the water, but Wonsik feels better that he at least knows it’s an option. “Do you want to shower?”

“It’s okay. I can shower after I leave.”

“Some clean clothes, food, anything?”

Taekwoon smiles a little bit. “Really, I’m good. Thank you.”

Wonsik doesn’t get it, he doesn’t understand. He’s thirsty, he’s starving, he’s in need of a shower and a good night sleep, but Taekwoon is apparently fine.

It’s just past 2:00 AM and Taekwoon’s picking his clothes off the floor. Wonsik simply watches as he’s too drained to do anything else. Of course, he wants Taekwoon to stay, to explain everything, but he already knows none of that is going to happen.

“Thanks for tonight,” Taekwoon says at the door. “Honestly, it was a lot of fun. If you keep going to that bar I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

Taekwoon’s words ring within his mind. Collectively they sound like a goodbye forever and that’s exactly what Wonsik doesn’t want to hear, but he still nods a thank you. His eyes are glued to Taekwoon’s lips to the point he’s sure it’s obvious, but Taekwoon doesn’t say anything, doesn’t offer him one last kiss.

“See you,” he says with a pretty smile.

“See you,” Wonsik repeats, hesitantly shutting the door.

 

 

“I’m going to strangle you.”

A heavy aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the apartment around noon the next day. Jaehwan’s baking some sort of bread in the kitchen when Wonsik finally gets out of bed. He’s incredibly sluggish and in need of a shower, but he sits on one of the chairs in the kitchen as Jaehwan keeps shaking his head after he hears the story from last night.

“You know, Wonsik, when Joonhyun left, you begged me for help. Remember that? You were on the floor right over there crying silently because you didn’t know what to do with yourself,” his voice pricks Wonsik’s nerves like thorns as he points to the farthest corner of the kitchen. “And for months I have been taking you out and presenting opportunities for you to meet new people and heal. I thought it was working. Like, I’m not against you having one night stands, that’s not the point here, but clearly this Taekwoon guy isn’t helping anything.”

“I wasn’t thinking properly,” Wonsik admits quietly. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

Jaehwan sighs, moving some dishes over to the sink to begin cleaning them off, “Well, now you know. And you don’t have his number or anything so you don’t ever need to see him again.”

“He said that he was close,” Wonsik mumbles into his hand.

“Close to what?”

“Falling in love with me.”

The sound of metal utensils clanking against the bottom of the sink has him jumping and widening his eyes at Jaehwan. “Wonsik, you have to let it go.”

His tone is incredibly serious, eyes boring into his own, and Wonsik sighs.  

Jaehwan snaps back to normal after another moment, drying his hands with a towel before reaching for his phone. “Look, I got a few names and numbers for you from the party. I’ll send them to you and maybe you can reach out to them? Honestly, all of them seemed nice and totally your type. Although, after knowing what this Taekwoon dude looks like, I’m not sure what your type is anymore.”

 

He understands Jaehwan’s frustrations. The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes how bad of a friend he must have become, how irritating his behavior must look like from an outside view. It’s been a difficult last five months for him.

A warm shower rids him of some guilt. Changing his sheets and throwing out the garbage sheds some more. He hates that he’s become such a mess, but at least he’s aware of it. He’s desperate at this point.

His relationship with Joonhyun was precious to him. When times were good, he felt the best. But the thing is, remembering those moments aren’t what makes him the most miserable. It was the cheating. The lies. The suddenness of it all. The fact that this wasn’t the first time he’d gone through something like this before.

And maybe he’s lost some hope, going through a slump that he’ll eventually—hopefully—find his way back out of. He scrolls through the profiles of these boys that Jaehwan had sent him, but not finding any traits from them that grab his attention. Sure, one is particularly cute and seems to enjoy the same kind of music Wonsik does, but he’s not feeling anything. There’s no excitement, no rush of curiosities. He sifts through the photos, looking and looking, finding images where this boy is surrounded by other men, and he sighs. There’s nothing wrong with that. He just doesn’t have the energy to question and figure it all out. Are they brothers? Friends? Cousins? People he may or may not have romantic interest in?

In the end, it doesn’t matter because Wonsik doesn’t do anything. He shuts his laptop and spreads his arms and legs across the bed. All evidence of Taekwoon being around just twelve hours ago has been disposed of as his bedroom has returned to normal. Yet, he still thinks about him, still wonders, still wishes he’ll run into him again soon.

 

 

“Want to get dinner?” Jaehwan asks him one evening. He had just walked through the door after another mediocre day at work. Mentally, he’s tired, but physically he might be okay. His tattered briefcase and lunch bag are dropped against the wall of the entranceway and Jaehwan tilts his head at him, awaiting a response.

“What’s the occasion?”

Just the question alone elicits a warm smile out of his roommate. One that’s questionable and confusing, but not completely out of character. And it only takes another second before Jaehwan spills everything like he always does. “I want to tell you about this wonderful woman I met.”

 

This isn’t uncommon. Jaehwan’s popularity has him finding new people all the time. Unlike Wonsik, he’s not one for long term relationships, but he doesn’t play around when he’s in one either. It’s almost like every few months he’s with someone new or no one at all. Therefore, Wonsik doesn’t usually bother getting to know them. They come and go quick.

But that doesn’t mean Jaehwan lacks with his moments where he swoons and daydreams. He falls for people easily, but tends to be the one to end the relationship once he loses those feelings.

They arrive at a nice sit-down restaurant a little bit farther from the apartment than they would usually go by foot. Wonsik likes it though, the early autumn air feels good within his lungs. It’s nice getting out and using his legs when he sits at a desk all day at work. Plus, Jaehwan’s happy. He’s bouncing into his steps and glancing smiles up at Wonsik whenever they make eye contact.

“Her name is Miae and I have never been more attracted to a woman before.”

Wonsik laughs a little bit, but Jaehwan remains serious.

“Do you ever have this moment where it’s not… It’s not just physical attraction, but you become overwhelmed just by how cool another person is?” He stresses, continuing with, “I know it sounds lame, but she is so cool. I’m like… Crazed about her.”

Jaehwan goes into details like he always does. Sometimes Wonsik wonders if they’re too honest with each other about things like this, but he always concludes them as good things, proofs that they’re very close with one another.

He enjoys this time out. It’s just a moment with the two of them together instead of him being sandwiched within a new gang of Jaehwan’s friends. It’s easy and relaxing.

Once Jaehwan runs out of things to say, he turns the conversations back on Wonsik. “So, what about you? Any boys? You’ve been quiet for a long time.”

Truth is, there haven’t been and Jaehwan probably already knows that. All the hype and excitement Jaehwan feels for this girl are feelings Wonsik is cold on, empty even. He shakes his head a little as he takes another bite of his stew.

Jaehwan tries not to frown, but it’s there. Wonsik can see the sudden guilt within his roommate’s eyes before he looks away, probably saddened and regretful for dragging Wonsik out for a talk like this to begin with. It’s only been three weeks since he was last with Taekwoon. The initial emotions and attachment have somewhat subsided, but his drive to seek out anyone else hasn’t returned. He wonders if it ever will at this point. The numbness almost feels like the new norm these days.

 

They walk back in silence. Jaehwan keeps looking at him, but it takes a while for him to actually get any words out. Eventually, he asks, “Do you think you’re depressed?”

“I don’t know. Maybe,” he responds nonchalantly, not even letting the significance of those words get to him. Possibly in the past they would, but he doesn’t feel anything right now.

“I’m sorry I made you listen to me rave about someone…”

“Don’t worry about it. I like seeing you happy.”

“I mean, I like seeing you happy, too…”

Wonsik shoots him a slight smile, somewhat forced, but still mostly real. He knows Jaehwan doesn’t mean any harm. He’s also not the problem here. His joy doesn’t have to stop just because Wonsik’s has.

He’ll bounce back. Eventually. He hopes.

 

“Why don’t you plan a vacation?” Jaehwan happily chimes when they make it back to the apartment. “When was the last time you spent even a weekend away?”

“I was with my family for four days last month.”

“Yeah, but they live like an hour away. That’s not really far.”

Jaehwan ends up following Wonsik into his room, sitting on the edge of the bed when Wonsik collapses within the center. He’s now feeling the exhaustion as his belly grumbles with fullness and his brain remembers he still has work tomorrow.

“I was planning a trip with Joonhyun to Japan. Thankfully we didn’t get far enough along to book flights or anything,” he murmurs into his pillow as he shoves his face into it.

Jaehwan’s voice softens, “He’s not in your life anymore. You can do anything you want on your own.”

“But I don’t want to travel alone.”                      

There’s a quietness that brings out only the hums and soft breaths within the room. Jaehwan’s sigh isn’t loud, but it’s heard clearly. The bed jiggles slightly until Wonsik releases a gasp when Jaehwan plops his body down across his stomach. He’s heavy, but it does cause Wonsik to laugh, to whine a little. He opens his eyes and sees Jaehwan laying comfortably over him while messing with his phone to his side.

 

 

He’s out again the next Friday night. He merely got home from work, changed, and went right back out. Staying home alone gets old after a while, he’s learned. Many smaller bakeries and cafés are closed by this time, but he manages to find one that will still serve him coffee. Despite the lasting warm temperatures, it feels good. He takes a walk around the river, passing cars, bikers, people and their dogs. Something about it clears his mind even when there wasn’t much going on in there in the first place. He’s not looking for anything in particular, not heading anywhere planned in the end, but still just keeps going, keeps his legs moving.

Some woman yelled at him at work and the adrenaline from the situation lingers. He’s frustrated about it still, knowing that the moment is done and over, but still replaying it within his head. It’s nothing significant, nothing he’ll ever share with anyone else because there’s no point to. It’s just another one of those things that gets to him, that irritates his core and makes him feel when he doesn’t want to, when he wishes he were stronger. Stupid things.

He’ll never admit it, but being upset is the reason he pulls open the door to one of the bars on his way home. This one’s not new to him—he’s been here before with Jaehwan. The atmosphere is nice and not too pushy and he takes a seat by the window instead of at the bar. His own reflection isn’t something he focuses on too much since the bags under his eyes are large and his lips keep pressing together out of habit. He looks rough.

Thankfully his drink arrives quickly. Scotch that he can take his time to sip and savor. He’s able to relax a little as he pulls up some articles on his phone he can read through. He wouldn’t call this the most fun he’s had in a while, but it’s definitely better than what he’s been doing for the past weeks.

Once his second glass arrives, he smiles up at his waitress since he’s feeling better. She returns the look, but walks away quickly as others near him call for her attention. He looks around, though, surveying the area to see if anything interesting is happening. There’s a large group of older men playing some sort of card game a few tables down. They’re getting rowdy, but no one seems to care. The rest are empty tables or couples out for a late-night discussion with drinks.

Stools have opened up at the bar, but he decides to remain where he is. His eyes trail down the line of hunched over backs by that area, but none really stand out. None except the side profile of one at the far end.  

He can’t tell for sure, so he arches his neck, looking around a few standing people to get a better view. There’s a man at the end. A man with dark hair and fingers gently bent against the back of the person beside him. Wonsik’s eyes narrow slightly, his heartbeat subconsciously excites, and he watches.

Sipping and staring, wondering, and waiting for the moment where one of them moves so he can see their faces. The two are leaning into one another, probably having some sort of a deep discussion or intimate conversation. The fingers behind the second man draw back, yet slip down. But then he leans forward, allowing Wonsik to catch a glimpse of the man’s face sitting beside him, and he stands up.

 

Courage isn’t what he’s fueled by. Maybe it’s collected irritation, maybe it’s simply him having enough, losing all shame, because what exactly does he have anymore? Either way, with his drink in hand, he goes up to the two men at the end of the bar.

There’s no hesitance, no seconds wasted as he immediately calls, “Taekwoon.”

Both turn towards him. One immediately frowning while the other’s parted lips curve through a surprised gasp.

The clearly older man looks up at Wonsik with a scrunch to his brows before dragging his gaze all the way down and then back to Taekwoon in the corner. “Who’s this asshole?” he questions in an exasperated tone, pointing a finger at Wonsik.

Wonsik nearly wavers, taking a small step back as if out of momentary fear. But his eyes stay glued to Taekwoon’s sharp and clever ones. He sits up, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet as he explains, “This is the guy I told you I was waiting for.”

“Waiting for—what?” The other man spits, watching Taekwoon quickly move around his seat to stand beside Wonsik.

“It was nice chatting with you. I’ll see you around.” He’s smiling into his words, turning closely towards Wonsik to whisper, “Put down the glass. I paid more than enough cash to cover your drink. Leave with me.”

He doesn’t question him as he places his cup down against the one Taekwoon had been drinking. The older man looks baffled, bordering irate. Wonsik watches the man stand up as he feels Taekwoon’s fingers curl around his arm.

“What the fuck?” The man yells at them as they turn around, repeating even louder, “What the fuck?”

Wonsik almost panics, but Taekwoon giggles against him, pushing a hand on his back to lead them to the door.

 

“What even just happened?” Wonsik speaks softly, looking back for the third time to check if they are being followed.

Taekwoon only smiles up at him, his hand sinking lower down Wonsik’s arm until their fingers meet and lace together. “That guy was super boring, anyway. Don’t worry, I doubt he’ll come after us. He’s all bark and no bite. But if he does, we’re both bigger than him. We can take him down if it comes to that.”

Wonsik gazes at him after one last clear look behind them. “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

Taekwoon’s lips linger in an upward curve, but he doesn’t say anything more. Not until Wonsik twists his wrist, lifting their hands slightly to get a better view. Never have they walked with their fingers intertwined like this before. There’s an odd dip within his chest accompanied by a soothing warmth as he realizes he’s not sure how to feel from the image.

“Three times in a row constitutes a tradition, right?” Taekwoon chimes.

 

It takes a bit of time of them walking around for his adrenaline rush from the bar to calm. Taekwoon’s presence beside him helps him feel grounded, feel secure, and alright. This type of event is familiar by now. The aimless walking around and silence between them keeps him at ease. He wonders if Taekwoon feels the same effects that he does.

“Where are we going?” He finally asks.

“I’m simply following you.”

Wonsik sighs almost heavily. Streetlights and the caffeine from earlier trick him into thinking the night is still young when it really isn’t. The obvious place he would go now is home, but he’s got Taekwoon with him tonight. Maybe they can do something else. Something nice together.

“Have you had dinner?” It’s a stretch since it’s already so late, but he gives it a shot.

Taekwoon hums slightly. “Yeah.”

“What about a snack? Dessert?”

They step off to the side to stop, to look at one another. “Are you trying to take me out?” Taekwoon laughs a little bit.

But Wonsik doesn’t see what’s so funny. “I mean… Yeah.”

“You really are sweet, Wonsik,” Taekwoon smiles at him softly. “You don’t need to buy me anything, though.”

“You’ve already paid for my drinks tonight and bought me a shot last time. At least let me do this for you.”

Taekwoon’s expression drops significantly. The confidence he had earlier seems to have dissipated and Wonsik instinctively gives his hand a small squeeze of encouragement, eventually eliciting a quiet, “Alright.”

He doesn’t sound convincing with his answer, but a yes is a yes and Wonsik’s stomach now feels like it’s fluttering.

 

They continue a few blocks down to a 24/7 donut shop. Taekwoon pulls his hand away once they make it inside, but Wonsik’s arm still wraps around his back to hold him at his side. They take a moment to survey the options and Wonsik’s extremely happy once Taekwoon looks up at him and chooses exactly what he wants.

He can’t hide his excitement. “I’ve never actually seen you eat before,” he comments before they go up to the counter. “Your waist is really little despite your broad shoulders—”

Taekwoon’s speechless for a moment, his eyes widen before his face drops. “I eat a lot of food. I just don’t really gain weight no matter how much I eat.”

“Ah, that’s good, then.”

They order and Wonsik can sense some sort of discomfort in the air when he hands the cashier his card. Taekwoon steps away during the remainder of this process, but Wonsik doesn’t stop him. He’s excited enough Taekwoon let this happen.

“Really, don’t worry about this. They were inexpensive,” he explains in attempt to relax Taekwoon even just a little bit.

He nods up at Wonsik after they sit down at one of the small tables in the back. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” he smiles lightly, holding it until Taekwoon reflects the look back.

 

They don’t stay in the shop for long. Both of them devour their donuts within a couple minutes and Wonsik surprises himself with just how happy he is to know Taekwoon actually finished his. Their time felt rushed, but he understood Taekwoon’s desire to get out of there, to return to an environment that feels normal for them.

“Anything you’d like to do?” Wonsik offers, still feeling overjoyed from the short moment they just shared in the shop.

And it’s so interesting to Wonsik whenever he visualizes this change in Taekwoon’s personality. The expression Taekwoon sends him is utterly gentle and soft, far different from the cocky and confident side that he strides most of the time. It makes him wonder if one is more of a persona than the other, but this one in particular tugs at him more. “Can we just go back to your place?”

 

Of course, he’s not going to say no to that. He contemplates it only because Jaehwan’s voice echoes within his mind, but he pushes that aside because everything about this encounter feels different to him. Even as they walk back to his place, something seems off, but he figures it out quickly once Taekwoon corrects it. They had been walking in the direction of his apartment for ten minutes before Taekwoon’s fingers bend around his again. The act is so small, so simple, and yet it must serve as a calming act for both of them for Taekwoon to keep up with it.

They release once Wonsik fumbles with his keys. He gets the door open quickly, but stops in his tracks when he sees Jaehwan lounging on the couch.

“Hey,” he greets quietly, almost awkwardly. Usually Jaehwan doesn’t move and just waves his hand or says something back, but his uneasy tone must have given him away.

Jaehwan sits up and Wonsik is able to watch as his eyes travel from his to Taekwoon’s and immediately back to his own again. Widened and surprised, he slaps his hands over his face as he lets himself slump back out of view. “Ugh, Wonsik,” he groans tiredly.

But that doesn’t stop him, he looks back towards Taekwoon, sending him a silent gesture to take off his shoes so they can make it inside. Jaehwan doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move, and both of them rush past him and into Wonsik’s room.

The door shuts with a click and Taekwoon’s sending him an interesting look. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know if his roommate is listening in, but it becomes clear after another moment. After they hear the front door to the apartment close and lock.

“You guys aren’t… In a relationship, are you?” Taekwoon questions, the grin on his face only growing as if this is hilarious.

“No, no,” Wonsik corrects following a sigh. “He’s not into men. He’s just a really good friend.”

“If you say so,” Taekwoon steps in closer, holding Wonsik’s sides as he presses their foreheads together. “And you think I have a little waist? Yours seems smaller and you’re the taller one here.”

The words, closeness, and his smug smirk are all it takes for his hands to come up and take Taekwoon’s face. Wonsik watches his eyelashes quickly flutter downward, and with a small tilt and a lean, their lips are together.

 

“Like last time,” is what Taekwoon requests. Wonsik’s already on top of him, already touching, kissing, and focusing his mind. He’s listening to Taekwoon closely, taking in his every movement, and feeling the connection between them lose static into something smooth. His emotions are spiking again. Clearly and directly, urging him to act on them again, to explore them deeper.

His hands cover Taekwoon’s skin, hot and soft, touching and pressing. Wonsik keeps moving him around, making him moan and reach back out. All because he wants Taekwoon overcome by heat and arousal before moving forward. Time goes and goes and he can tell Taekwoon’s losing patience, grabbing at him to come in closer, to get on with it.

But Wonsik’s too concentrated to give in yet. If Taekwoon wants gentle, at least to Wonsik, that goes hand in hand with passionate. His fingers fold around Taekwoon’s wrists when his hands grasp at Wonsik’s shoulders and he’s easily able to lead them back, holding them down to his sides against the sheets. They gaze at one another and Taekwoon’s lips part to speak, but Wonsik begins to lean in, to kiss him like this, and his direct reflexes in response are enough. His half-lidded eyes and desperate clutches say more to him than any verbal complaints could.

So, Wonsik continues on with what he knows best, what he has his own confidence in, and Taekwoon molds himself effortlessly to accommodate. Time feels even slow like this, but Wonsik can’t think about it right now. Can’t break away from the holds that have him so attached, so… Enamored by the one he is with.   

Soon after, Wonsik rolls them onto their sides, holds Taekwoon closely as they press together, causing him to tremble and gasp within their quickened movements, and eventually calm again, tightly wrapped within Wonsik’s arms.

 

He notes how this is the longest they’ve laid together like this after sex. Wonsik’s breathing quickly into his neck while fingers are still gripping onto his forearm that’s slung over and around Taekwoon’s chest. Typically, they would have broken apart by now, but Taekwoon hasn’t attempted to move quite yet.

So, he sits up slightly, daringly, pausing for a second when he notices Taekwoon’s eyes are still shut, but they open again once he pulls his arm back. Even with their focused look, neither say anything, and Wonsik takes the opportunity to continue, to not let these feelings go, especially if Taekwoon’s not ready to end yet either.

Wonsik carefully leads one of Taekwoon’s legs into a bend towards the side, laying him onto his back again so he can move over him. His body flushes heatedly down against Taekwoon’s as his arms slide underneath, hands gently caressing through his hair to lift his jaw, and Taekwoon’s immediate hold on his shoulders glides down his back as his bent leg hooks itself over Wonsik’s.

Intimacy—something Wonsik prides himself in understanding—something he has spent a ludicrous amount of time working on in hopes to perfect. Kissing Taekwoon again like this, after they have both already finished and relaxed, means more to him than anything they have done together prior. More than the last time they had sex, more than the heightened feelings he was overrun with earlier when they were at the donut shop, and more than all the emotions going through him just minutes ago.

Because this—this is real. This is something that can’t be faked. And God, he doesn’t want the feelings to stop, to end, because they feel so good. They’re both hot and sweaty, skin sticking together, with hair damp and messy as fingers comb and curl through the strands. The noises Taekwoon’s releasing are extremely quiet and raw, but Wonsik can hear them, feel their vibrations against his lips.

And he wants to laugh, to chuckle and make Taekwoon do the same as they have all the previous times, because the moments following sex can be strange and awkward, funny even—especially with someone he doesn’t really know all that well—but he can’t bring himself to. He’s too serious, and even when he breaks slightly, Taekwoon’s intense gaze pulls him back in.

 

But all good things do come to an end. Taekwoon whimpers his name out, pushing a hand to his sternum, and Wonsik easily collapses off to the side.

His head turns when Taekwoon groans loudly, clasping his hands over his face as he curls his body while turning away, and murmuring, “Remind me again why your ex cheated on you?”

The very last thing he wants to hear after sex like that. “Wh—What?”

Taekwoon doesn’t answer. He simply completes his roll even farther away from Wonsik and lies flat on his stomach.

But Wonsik follows, quickly getting up to crawl over. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, Wonsik, I—yeah,” Taekwoon continues to mumble, but Wonsik still runs a hand through his hair to guide it out of his face. “It’s just, you—you definitely know how to make someone feel like… They’re something.”

The words take their time to settle within his mind, but even so, even with his pulse suddenly increasing from the softening tone, his fingers don’t stop calmingly brushing through Taekwoon’s hair. “That’s the point.”

“You deserve someone amazing,” Taekwoon releases, breathy and light.

Somehow, hearing that—this whole discussion, actually—has him feeling disheartened. And he’s sad as the next words leave his mouth. “You do as well.”

“Thanks,” Taekwoon replies blankly, causing Wonsik to complete his frown.

 

“Bathroom?”

“Directly across from my room.”

Taekwoon spends a significant amount of time in the washroom. Wonsik isn’t counting, really, but it’s long enough for him to notice, to realize he hasn’t heard any water running. He fills the time cleaning his bed and picking up all their clothes from the floor. When Taekwoon comes out, Wonsik offers him anything, but as per usual, he turns it all down.

The time is just past 1:00 AM and that seems to relax Taekwoon to a point. He steps back into his briefs before laying down beside Wonsik again.

“I assume you’re not going to stay the night, right?” Wonsik asks, holding the small amount of hope close.

But ultimately, no. Taekwoon shakes his head slightly, releasing his same response as in the past, “I can’t.”

He wants so badly to ask why, yet he holds back for now. He has bigger questions boiling in mind right now. Curiosities that are strongly fueled by his current desires. “Can I ask you something?”

Taekwoon’s tired eyes gaze straight into his own and he’s sighing slowly before responding, “Sure, but I may not answer.”

“How come?”

“I don’t tend to share a lot with my one night stands.”

Wonsik blinks once, then again, only for Taekwoon to turn away first. He feels frozen in time because hearing that statement immediately causes every bit of his raising heart to drop back down, to become submerged and still. Because, with those words, it’s clear that even after a night like this one, even after the time they have shared, nothing between them has actually changed.

He shouldn’t be shocked, deemed speechless like this. Deep down, he knew this would happen, Jaehwan is still right, yet hearing the reality out loud from Taekwoon himself causes his entire expression to break. “Well…,” he begins quietly, trying so desperately to hold back his flooding emotions. Following a drawn exhale, he forces himself to continue, “Technically this has been three.”

“I guess you’re right,” Taekwoon agrees with a nod, seemingly not sharing the same shattering feelings Wonsik is experiencing at this moment.

Even so, Wonsik endures, holding his little strength remaining high. “And I certainly don’t consider you a stranger anymore, especially not after tonight.”

Taekwoon’s features soften and he adverts his eyes again down into the sheets. “Right…”

“So, is it okay if I ask you some questions?” He follows up again, straining slightly as he does not want to let this opportunity pass, “You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. I’m just… Curious.”

“Okay,” Taekwoon gives in, appearing exhausted, but still willing in some form.

 

His mind blanks, shoving out the memories and implications of the words Taekwoon just spoke. It’s hard, it’s so hard because he almost wants to completely disappear, but he thinks that with more time and talking, he may get some answers, some understanding that will make all of this better. So, he goes back to the beginning, reformulating the first question he ever should have asked. He already feels silly, but this isn’t something he should have waited so long to question. “What’s your full name? I’m Kim Wonsik.”

“Pass,” he says simply, slight confusion forming his expression.

Wonsik has to pause, has to not let himself lose all drive from his very first question being immediately shut down. “Okay… Then—then how old are you?”

“How old are you?” Is repeated back towards him.

This almost feels like a game, but he’s willing to play along. He doesn’t have anything to lose anymore. “I’m twenty-four.”

And he gets some sort of answer. Not an exact, but it’s better than nothing. Better than what he initially assumed. “I’m older than you.”

“Really?” Taekwoon doesn’t look much older—Wonsik won’t believe there’s more than a few years between them.

But Taekwoon nearly nods and that’s all the information he’s getting out of that one. “Yeah.”

Wonsik swallows, moving on. “What do you do for a living?”

Again. “Pass.”

“Um, okay,” he’s startled once more, but keeps going. Basic, easy stuff. Anything, really. “Do you have any siblings?”

“I have an older sister.”

“Yeah?” For some reason, the fact he got a response out of this one causes him to smile. “What does she do?”

“Pass.”

And it’s gone. Wonsik sighs a little, feeling this whole situation is coming across more as an interrogation rather than anything else, and he doesn’t mean for it to be like that. “Okay, I’ll… I’ll stop with those types of questions.” Thankfully, Taekwoon seems quite relaxed during this, as if he knows Wonsik’s not going to press him on anything he doesn’t want to say. But Wonsik still has a different one brewing, one he’s extremely nervous about, but must know. At least, he hopes Taekwoon will share. “Just… One more. It’s been on my mind since we were at the bar earlier tonight. That older guy you were with… If I hadn’t shown up, would you—would you have gone home with him instead?”

Taekwoon’s lips part, but he holds for a second. Blinking away once he finally begins speaking. “I don’t know—probably. He wanted me to, but he had a wife and was iffy about it. I don’t condone cheating, but he was really interested in me…”

“Um,” he can only release, still trying to take in and digest what was just said. All he can conclude is that he didn’t enjoy hearing a single word of it. “Thank you for… Being honest.”

“Yeah.”

Wonsik’s attention falls down Taekwoon’s body, focusing on his leg, and notices the bruise that was there last time has healed up nicely. He doesn’t seem to have any other marks and that makes Wonsik really wonder if the cause was actually from an incident at work. He wants to believe it so badly. But he also can’t stop himself from thinking about the possibility of Taekwoon going home with that man from the bar. Maybe he really was a good guy, but he got angry so quickly, contemplated cheating on his wife, and screamed at Taekwoon when he was leaving.

Yet, Taekwoon was laughing, seemingly used to that type of behavior, used to not being treated well. Maybe he’s looking at this all wrong and he’s wondering what Taekwoon could possibly be thinking, but he also knows he can’t really ask. At least not now, not when Taekwoon’s eyes have closed as he rests quietly on the other side of the bed.

He whispers, “Do you have any questions for me? Now that I’ve bombarded you with a lot…”

“Why did your ex cheat on you?” Taekwoon’s voice comes out groggy as he stares up over Wonsik’s head. “You never answered that one and I still don’t understand. With sex like that and your personality being the way it is, what could he have been missing?”

Maybe it’s good that Taekwoon chose now to ask him about this. He’s exhausted and drained, so speaking about his old relationship doesn’t ignite anything inside him right now. He feels okay, even when his response really gives no solid answer. “I don’t know. He never told me why.”

“Ah… That’s—,” Taekwoon comments slowly as he seems taken aback, his tone quiet. “—a real shame.”

“Yeah, but I do know why my previous ex cheated on me. We were still really young and he was curious about other people. We were together for a few years, so looking back on it, I can understand a little bit better.”

Taekwoon turns his head towards him this time, “You’ve been cheated on twice?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Cheating is… Still cheating,” he states with a frown.

“True, but he felt awful about it. He told me right after he did it and just sobbed for hours. I had it in me to forgive him, but I was the one who ended that relationship. He still wanted to experiment and find himself while I felt like I already knew what I wanted. I’m not saying it wasn’t difficult—god, it was tough. But I think it was the right thing to do.”

Taekwoon only hums, giving him some sort of acknowledgment that he is listening.

“And good things came out of it. I was still living here so once he moved out, Jaehwan moved in and we’ve been really good friends ever since. He helped a lot in picking me back up on my feet after both breakups.”

There’s a lift to Taekwoon’s lips complimenting the small curve of his eyes. “He sounds like a good friend.”

“He is.”

They stare at one another for what can’t be more than a few seconds. Taekwoon appears as if he could fall asleep at any moment and Wonsik almost wishes he would. But instead he speaks, saying the exact opposite. “I should probably get going,” he starts and Wonsik can’t help but let his expression fall once again.

“Okay.”

“We should… Do something different next time,” Taekwoon suggests lightly alongside a small grin, and somehow, it surprises Wonsik. He’s the one saying next time.

“What do you have in mind?”

“Have you ever bottomed?”

“Oh,” he exhales, not expecting Taekwoon to be referring to something like that. “I… I have once, but my partner at the time still preferred the position himself so we never tried again afterwards. I was still a teenager when it happened, so I don’t remember too much of it.”

Either way, this still seems to make Taekwoon happy. He sits up with a slight snicker to his expression as he fixes his hair with his fingers. “If you want, we can. I won’t be able to do to you what you do to me, but I can make sure you feel good. It will be fun. I feel like you would really enjoy it.”

“Yeah, we can do that,” he instinctively agrees, even when not entirely understanding those words, even when he knows he shouldn’t have.

But that brings a full smile to Taekwoon’s face that flashes when he slips his shirt back over his head. “Thanks for tonight. I’m glad we ran into each other.”

Wonsik’s left mesmerized, left in this numbed daze.

 

They pause at Wonsik’s front door for Taekwoon to get his shoes back on. His posture is slouched and a little uneasy as he holds a hand to the wall to keep his balance. Taekwoon’s exhaustion is so obvious that it causes Wonsik to worry.

“I’ll see you around? I mean, we seem to run into one another often, anyway,” Taekwoon says when he stands back up, looking Wonsik in the eyes.

“Yeah, we… We do, don’t we?”

Taekwoon nods, taking a few steps until he’s standing just outside of the apartment.

“Do you need a ride home?” Wonsik offers despite the fact he doesn’t own a car, but he’s willing to accompany him back if he has to.

“No, I’ll find my way back. Have a good night, Wonsik.”

“Get home safely,” comes out naturally, quietly.

Taekwoon glances back at him, flashing a faint smirk before exiting through the corridor.

 

 

“I don’t know what to even tell you, dude,” Jaehwan says from the kitchen table. There are two girls sitting on each side of him with phones in their hands. He wonders if one of them is Miae, but neither introduce themselves for him to find out. “If you’re happy, then I suppose I’m happy, but damn—I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Wonsik frowns, feeling extremely uncomfortable discussing this when there are other people he doesn’t know around. Causing his tone to come out rough and irritated as he responds, “Can we not talk about this right now?”

They share a stern look before Jaehwan turns his face away. The girls are annoyingly quiet and awkward, glancing up at him curiously in hopes he won’t notice, but he does—anything might get to him right now. He barely slept last night and he’s extremely tired and thirsty. After grabbing a cold water bottle from the refrigerator he retreats back into his room.

There’s a large mix of emotions going through him right now. He feels upset, betrayed, dumber than ever. He launches himself onto his bed, shoving all three of his pillows off the side and pulling at the sheets until the elastic ends give and slide from their hold on the mattress. The soles of his feet catch him when he hops off, forcefully tossing the pile into his small hamper at the corner of the room. The cases are shed off the pillows before he throws them haphazardly at the bed, only managing to land two of them back on in the end.

He doesn’t care. He’s overwhelmed because he just woke up and everything’s already coming back.

All of this is his fault, anyway. There’s no way he can blame Taekwoon, Jaehwan, or the older man from the bar last night, because there’s no point to. Taekwoon said it. Said it loud and clear. All these nights ever were to him were one night stands. Sharing donuts in a small shop changed nothing, holding hands like they did changed nothing, and the reoccurring strong feelings between them during intimacy have changed nothing. Taekwoon wouldn’t even tell him his name.

He should have known, but during the moment, it all felt so good and real.

The sound of the front door shutting out random chatter has Wonsik emerging from his room to an empty apartment. Probably the last thing he needs right now.

 

 

Bang. And then another bang. “Wonsik,” is being called from outside his door. “Wonsik, are you up? I got a pizza.”

He releases a noise and that apparently works because the knocking stops soon after, but the voice doesn’t. There’s a long sigh. “Wonsik, get up. Your laundry alarm has been going off for two hours now and you’re drooling all over your pillow when it doesn’t have a case on it. Go hang up your laundry and let’s eat this pizza, okay?”

He had put a load of laundry up, showered, and then passed back out on his bare bed. Jaehwan doesn’t exactly appear happy, but he’s pushing Wonsik, and that’s helpful right now. They sit on the couch together and Wonsik doesn’t even realize until the end that he ate all but one slice himself—the one on Jaehwan’s plate. Other than a few words of small talk and working together, they are quiet until Jaehwan takes the box away and sits back down, staring at Wonsik as if he’s giving him the floor.

“What are you waiting for me to say? That I’m an idiot?” Wonsik begins by spitting out. “Because I’m already aware of that.”

“I was going to ask you if you were alright, actually,” he clarifies in a calm tone, an already drained one. “You’re not really one for midday naps or forgetting things.”

“Last night was a lot…”

“Want to tell me what happened?”

And he does, like always. Explaining everything from his time at the bar to the moment Taekwoon left. Some of it is difficult to admit, embarrassing even, but he can tell Jaehwan isn’t in the mood right now to judge him. He’s surprisingly serious, nodding and humming, making it clear to Wonsik that he’s listening.

“Do you want my honest opinion?” He offers once Wonsik trails off.

“Do I already know it?”

“Probably.”

“Then yes.”

Jaehwan huffs audibly, straightening his shoulders briefly only to lean back in towards Wonsik. His tone is stern and serious as he begins. “Don’t see him again. And if you randomly do run into him, don’t talk to him. If that’s unavoidable, don’t take him home with you, don’t fuck with him. It’s as simple as that. He’s out with an agenda. Whether it was the shithead at the bar or any other fucker out there, who Taekwoon goes home with doesn’t matter. He’s not your problem. He shouldn’t mean anything to you because you don’t mean anything to him.”

He doesn’t like the direct harshness in what he’s hearing, doesn’t want to accept it because all he’s feeling is confusing. “But what gets me is that he smiles when he sees me, he was surprised last night and jumped over to me so quickly that I couldn’t really follow the situation properly. Next thing I knew, we were walking around outside like we were a couple. It just… Messed with my head.”

“But he said you were just a one night stand, right? Then Wonsik, that’s it! That’s it! He probably chose you over that other guy because he sounds awful,” Jaehwan continues, throwing his hands in the air for emphasis.

But Wonsik’s looking down, focusing on his blurry vision as he stares off at nothing in particular. “I think Taekwoon just likes… Sleeping with me.”

“Yes, Wonsik, you fulfill his agenda.”

“No, I mean… I think he really likes it. He’s told me.”

There’s a long pause, one that Wonsik doesn’t initially notice, but Jaehwan tries to break. He snickers, taking back Wonsik’s attention and misunderstanding his words completely as he jokes, “Look, as much as I like diving deep into your sex life… I’ve heard enough over the years that I think I’m good.”

It’s not funny. Wonsik’s not sure how much it would take to make him laugh right now, but it does manage to throw him off. “I’ve never told you.”

“Joonhyun did all the time,” he complains, rolling his eyes while dropping his head back against the couch.

Wonsik stares, not really sure what to think about this information. This isn’t what he wants to discuss right now. “But he… Didn’t even care all that much for sex.”

Jaehwan cracks an eye back open, frowning a little bit as he admits, “Well—he was very vocal to me about it.”

Wonsik simply gapes. His mind doesn’t have the capacity right now to focus on another person. He can barely handle himself, his thoughts about Taekwoon, anything really. “This isn’t about Joonhyun.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Jaehwan’s quick to acknowledge, changing his tone entirely back to his low, firm one.

Wonsik sighs, thankful Jaehwan is able to snap right back. He remembers where they were at, what he really wants to say, what’s eating at him the most right now. “There was some sort of connection between us last night. He was acting different… I don’t really know how to explain it, but I felt it. And it felt so real.”

Jaehwan sends him another sympathetic frown, softening his voice as to object, but not to completely break Wonsik down. “You just told me he said you were a one night stand.”

“He asked me why Joonhyun cheated on me.”

“What? Why?” Jaehwan quickly follows up with, appearing dumbfounded. “How does he even know that?”

“I told him,” he confesses honestly.

“Don’t confide in him!” Wonsik shuts his eyes because Jaehwan’s getting worked up, getting loud again. “Getting over this is really simple. Just don’t see him again. Obviously, he’s got his own list of problems, but they aren’t yours and you’ve already got your own to deal with. Please, Wonsik, please just go out and find someone else. Someone nice and kind and someone who wants to, you know, date you!”

There’s nothing he can argue with there. “You’re right.”

Jaehwan slows down, relaxing his voice again as he goes on. “Nothing good is going to come out of this… Whatever you have with Taekwoon. Who knows how many people he does this with, whose feelings he messes with… You don’t know who you’re dealing with since you don’t know him. Like, what if he’s got diseases or a sugar daddy who will come after you or something? Oh, what if something actually went down at the bar yesterday and you got hurt? What if he’s simply using you for his own sick gain? You aren’t thinking about that kind of stuff.”

Wonsik shakes his head, not being able to justify those reasons properly, to break through his solid layer of denial. “He never accepts anything from me. Not even water. The whole donut shop situation almost made me feel like I was pushing him into it. God, it was probably so awkward for him…”

There’s another pause as if Jaehwan’s waiting for him to continue, but he doesn’t. They simply stare. “You’ve got to stop defending him.”

Wonsik sighs, running his hands through his hair as if it will help him think straight. “You’re right.”

Jaehwan stands up, looming above him with a grin on his face. “Let’s go to a gay bar. Screw the places around here—they’re all quite shitty, anyway. That way it will be easier for you to meet people. Hell, maybe you’ll find someone immediately and never think about this Taekwoon guy ever again.”

“Yeah, I can do that,” he agrees almost instantly, unable to stop the small smile forming his lips.

“How about next weekend? I’ll bring a couple of my girlfriends with so people don’t think we’re together and you can go and be free. Have a fresh start!”


	2. Chapter 2

“Want to head back to my place?”

The words tingle within his mind only for the feelings to fizzle out quickly. This is new, he thinks. Sex on the first date isn’t something he’s done before, but does it even matter anymore?

Their initial interaction was only four days prior when Jaehwan had escorted him out to a predominately gay bar. Hanyeol is his name. Eyes are big and brown, rounded and youthful, and his smile glows whenever it comes out. Originally, he told Wonsik that he’s self-conscious of smiling due to a few slightly crooked teeth, but Wonsik swore he never even notice them.

He’s good looking—the most attractive of the bunch he spoke with. Smaller than Taekwoon, but still bigger than Joonhyun. Neither of them should be in his thoughts right now, yet Wonsik allows them to remain. His date with Hanyeol had been nothing more than a dinner. They talked, exchanging stories and bashful looks, laughing and moaning into their meals because they both were exceptionally hungry going into it.

Wonsik can’t say he felt anything special, but he didn’t have a bad time, either. Sex was the last thing on his mind and yet here he is. The cab ride wasn’t enough to shake him aware as to what he was getting himself into. New sights, scents, and feelings take over his senses as he steps into Hanyeol’s tiny studio apartment.

“I’m sorry, I thought I had wine. Is beer okay?” Hanyeol calls from his right, from the small kitchen area just a few steps away.

“Yeah, beer’s just fine,” he replies, pacing slowly around the unfamiliar place.

There’s an overall home aroma that he can only describe as recently cooked ramyeon mixed with the faint musk of expensive cologne. Non-matching green curtains blind him from the outside view, but he only has another moment of mindless staring until a cold bottle is gently handed out for him. He sends an appreciative smile and Hanyeol leads him towards the only place to sit in the entire apartment. The bed.

 

They kiss a lot. Hanyeol’s not great, but it gets better once Wonsik takes over as lead. Lingering beer leaves a slightly sour taste and the lack of airflow into the place is almost smothering. Wonsik finds himself batting his eyes open more often than he would like to just to make sure Hanyeol is still enjoying what’s going on.

He’s timid. Hands almost unsure of where on Wonsik’s body they should be. The forwardness of Hanyeol’s offer to come back here when they were still at the restaurant glowed with confidence, but all of that seems to have gone away now that they’re in the moment, now that they are naked and hot. But he insists he’s okay, saying he always gets like this during intercourse, that Wonsik should just continue.

So, they do, slower and calmer, and Wonsik tries his best to salvage what he can, to try and at least have Hanyeol feeling good, and to ease them towards the end. It’s tiring, though. This isn’t as fun as he wanted it to be. In fact, it’s almost frustrating. Yet, there’s a moment when he only wants to scoff, to scream at Jaehwan for insinuating that he’ll fall in love with anyone he sleeps with. Because right now, he’s not feeling anything close to that with this person.

Wonsik stops after Hanyeol finally orgasms. There’s no thought or desire to laugh as he breathes heavily through quick pants, shutting his eyes while rolling over away from the other boy, and using only his own hand to finish himself off.

Hanyeol’s arms soon fold around his front as he molds himself to Wonsik’s back, but he’s not finding any of the closeness soothing. He drops his head back against one of the pillows and grazes his hand down atop Hanyeol’s smooth one, allowing his heartbeat to comfortably slow like this, thoughts to declutter and become clear. Quickly concluding this wasn’t a great idea after all.

 

“Hey, I’m really sorry… I can’t stay the night,” he admits lowly, almost feeling bad about it, but in the moment, all he wants to do is leave.

The disappointment in Hanyeol’s soft expression is obvious enough to burn a hole in someone’s heart, but Wonsik doesn’t feel much. His fingers draw his chin up for a final kiss, a deep one, an apologetic one, and that seems to comfort Hanyeol enough. His hot breath fans Wonsik’s face as they pull away and exchange only a few more words before he leaves the apartment to head back to his own.

“I’ll message you,” Hanyeol says quietly, leaning his small, tired body against the doorframe.

“Yeah, have a good night.”

“’Night.”

 

 

“So… Late night last night, huh?” Jaehwan’s smug tone releases and Wonsik’s seriously not in the mood for it this early in the morning. He’d be more upset if Jaehwan wasn’t cooking him breakfast right now, so he lets it slide. “How’d it go?”

Wonsik sighs, stirring a spoon in his mug even when the milk he added a while ago has long combined with his coffee. “It was okay. He also likes movies.”

“Ah, that’s great. Why don’t you guys see a movie together for your next date?”

Wonsik shrugs. “I don’t really want to see him again.”

“What, why?” He raises his voice slightly, flashing a saddened look his way.

And Wonsik explains. It’s simple—he didn’t feel anything. He wonders if it’s due to the numbness he’s become used to for months now. Hanyeol seemed like a nice guy, but that’s about it. They made out for a while and a kiss is a kiss, but that doesn’t automatically make it meaningful. His behavior reminded Wonsik of his past boyfriends in some ways. Even though he still feels for Joonhyun, part of him thinks that being with someone like him is alarming, nerve-racking almost. What if they turn out the same? Wonsik’s already been fooled twice.

He continues through the details of the date, only choosing to leave out the part where they went back to Hanyeol’s place. For some reason, he doesn’t want to share that experience with Jaehwan right now.

“Well, sorry it didn’t work out, man,” Jaehwan says once Wonsik finishes up the story. They’re both sitting on the couch now, eating their simple, yet satisfying breakfast. “What about the other guys you met over the weekend? You got like four numbers. That’s insane.”

 

 

“You are so handsome.”

“Um, thanks,” Wonsik laughs out of surprise.

“Like, I saw you from across the bar and thought there was no way you could be single.”

If he were to respond to that comment, it would most likely be self-deprecating, so he holds off. It’s been a week and a half since his date with Hanyeol and he’s already moved onto the next. He forgot how tall this man was when they met at the bar. Wonsik’s eyes go up in order to catch his. He’s bigger and stronger, arms nearly twice the size of Wonsik’s. He’s jealous, almost. The man is very good looking, more than a few years older, but the bad part is that Wonsik can’t remember his name and it’s already too late to go back and ask now.

This date is much easier. The other man planned it, picked Wonsik up, and is allowing him time to think and breathe. They’re eating lunch together. Talking, but it’s mainly the other man doing most of it. He’s making Wonsik laugh, though, and that feels nice within his core, making this date way better, way different than his previous already.

They don’t have much in common. The taller man goes on and on about sports and television shows Wonsik doesn’t involve himself in. He only stops when they finish their meal and he asks, “How does dessert sound?”

Wonsik likes sweet things. He also likes being taken care of at times, relieving responsibilities onto someone else. This man is confident unlike Hanyeol and Joonhyun, but lacking the playfulness Taekwoon brought forward. He’s a little too serious, it seems.

“I’d love to see you again,” he admits in the car as they make their way back to Wonsik’s apartment. “Can I call you later?”

Wonsik nods, smiling a little.

 

 

“How was Mr. Big and Brawny?”

“Shut up.”

Jaehwan laughs uncontrollably, seemingly finding Wonsik dating a man like this one hilarious. He gets it, it’s a huge change. Wonsik finds the original note with the man’s number on it marked with the name _Yoo Dowon_.

They talk on the phone for three nights in a row. It’s nice at first. Wonsik’s able to let out his frustrations from work, tell someone how a newer hire got a promotion before he did and how it destroyed his week for him. Dowon simply chuckles, speaking calmingly in order to console him, but it doesn’t really do much since Wonsik’s finding it hard to take him seriously.

He’s getting impatient. This is something that hasn’t happened before, either. Usually he likes slowness, likes taking the time to get to know someone, but he doesn’t feel interested in that right now. Instead he’s regretful he didn’t kiss Dowon on the first date, didn’t even touch him. And that concept is so strange, so unlike him.

 

They meet again the following weekend. Another meal out, another couple of hours spent talking. Wonsik taps his fingers against his thighs, wishing Dowon would finish eating faster so they can leave. He’s getting jittery and he thinks he understands why.

All he wants to know is if Dowon will make him feel, if kissing him will burn through something inside of him that will release his emotions. And once the check is paid, he’s hurried to stand up, to urge Dowon to follow, and they exit quickly.

“Can we… Can I go back with you?” Wonsik asks, looking up at Dowon almost desperately.

He’s returned with an astonished expression, one that’s almost shocked and definitely taken for a surprise. “Yeah, we—we can.”

 

Dowon’s apartment is fuller and nicer than Hanyeol’s, but he doesn’t care, doesn’t even pay much attention to it. The air conditioning is running, leaving an uncomfortable chill throughout his body. Thankfully Dowon’s arm loops around him and all their slightly awkward small talk ends when their lips meet together.

There’s an immense warmth that takes over, heat that prickles and spreads. Dowon’s a good kisser, but he’s quite demanding, borderline rough. It gets almost too much for Wonsik to handle.

He’s not really used to being with someone like this, someone who prefers dominance and doesn’t really give Wonsik a chance to share in it. Maybe the feelings of letting someone else have control were nice initially, but Wonsik’s beginning to feel suffocated by the overall push. Dowon’s on top of him, large hands grasping his waist as they glide up under his shirt.

He endures it all for now, hoping and waiting to see if his feelings about this will change as they continue. Dowon’s hair isn’t long enough for his fingers to curl into, so his hands hold loosely onto his neck instead. He can feel Dowon heating up, but ultimately, it’s Wonsik who’s cooling down, becoming jaded.

“Can we pause?”

 

He feels bad. Dowon’s heartbeat is quick and loud. They’re pressed together, long legs entangled, and Wonsik shuts his eyes as he leans his cheek into the elder’s arm. Neither really say anything and Wonsik’s calmed by it. He assumes Dowon finds the silence awkward, but he’s fine. He wonders if he should explain why he stopped them, offer ways to compromise, yet he doesn’t feel like the effort will be worth it at this point. This guy’s really not his type.

Lips kiss gently up his neck as he stares out towards the rest of Dowon’s room. He can’t decide exactly what about it that bothers him, but he doesn’t like it. For an unplanned guest, the room is far too clean. The closet doors are shut without a bulge, floors tidy and bare, and not a piece of paper on his desk looks messy or old.

His hand brushes Dowon’s arm that’s slung over him, that’s still resting just under his shirt. He’s not bothered by the touch, in fact being held like this is somewhat nice, he just feels like this pause is turning into more of a full on stop.

“Everything alright?” Dowon questions after another minute. He’s probably becoming the impatient one now.

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry if I came on too strong.”

He doesn’t mean to sigh, but he does. His eyelids blink open and shut due to exhaustion and brooding boredom. He’s aimlessly looking around again until he focuses on a shimmering light reflecting off something on the nightstand.

It’s out of place, standing out in this all too clean room, and Wonsik stares. His vision takes a moment to focus, to fully take in what’s shining. It’s gold, rounded edges all around, and Wonsik’s close enough to reach out for it.

A ring. A band. Dowon shifts behind him, perching his chin on Wonsik’s arm to join in on the curiosity.

“What is this?”

“It’s my—,” there’s a physical hesitance that Wonsik can feel. “It’s my wedding ring.”

“You’re married,” Wonsik quietly states.

The drop in confidence in Dowon’s tone and actions remind him of past memories he doesn’t want to relive. “I mean—technically. Don’t worry about it. We’re separated right now.”

Dowon takes the ring out of his hands and it simply disappears. He should feel saddened, lied to, even, but there’s nothing. No pain. Just the nothingness.

Wonsik picks Dowon’s arm off him to release himself from the hold.

“I’m going to go. I really… Don’t want any part of this.”

 

 

Dowon calls for the next four days straight, but seems to give up before trying a fifth. Wonsik’s relieved by it. Jaehwan asks about the second date, giggles over the thoughts yet again, but the smile is cleared off his face with Wonsik’s stern glare and quick comment of, “He’s fucking married.”

 

 

Getting out of bed doesn’t feel like it’s been more difficult. Wonsik wakes up feeling like there’s a heavy layer holding him down even when just a single sheet covers his lower half. He stops at the library after work before coming home, checking out books full of mythological creatures and biographies of famous people who must have had more difficult lives and times than he has.

Jaehwan keeps frowning at him and he wonders if he’s coming off as annoyingly pathetic, but he also doesn’t really care. Reading takes his mind away for hours, lets him live through the stories of others or enter into completely different, yet fascinating worlds for even just a little bit. The time spent alone in his room grows, but he doesn’t see it as unhealthy. How can reading be bad for someone?

Jaehwan doesn’t agree, though.

“Come out with us today. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen you leave this apartment for anything other than work. This isn’t the way to live.”

Jaehwan and three of his male friends poke their heads in through his open door.

“Jae, just leave him. We’re going to be late,” one of them yells after ten more minutes. Jaehwan had come in alone to sit with him.

The effort was quite useless, anyway. Wonsik long made up his mind. “Don’t let your friends wait. I’m fine, really. I like reading. I even read it’s good for healing.”

 

 

It’s already been close to a month and a half since he last saw Taekwoon. The moment he puts down his book about a ‘rags to riches’ chef, Taekwoon somehow comes back to mind. It’s probably because Wonsik’s been repressing thoughts about him more often these days. Curiosities and wonderments. He hopes he’s alright—healthy and safe.

He keeps thinking back on the past weeks, on the dates he’s been going on, and linking them back to how Taekwoon seems to live his life. Wonsik’s lonely. He doesn’t understand how Taekwoon can simply meet a person, sleep with them, and then leave without getting feelings involved. Even though Wonsik didn’t find any connections with the two men he went out with, it doesn’t mean that he wasn’t affected by the failures.

He slept with Hanyeol—kissed him like he meant it. There was an effort and the loss took a toll on him. In the moment, the act felt straightforward, but thinking back on it now, Wonsik wishes he had waited, or maybe had never done it at all.

Even lying in bed with Dowon was intimate. Their kisses were warm and deep. They were real with whatever emotions they were attempting to share. It just didn’t work out in the end.

He’s mentally tired thinking about the memories, pushing them aside once again, but still remembering how vastly different he felt with Taekwoon even on their first night. Rushing into things has never been a process he’s enjoyed, and he proved it to himself once again with the last two men he dated. So, why was Taekwoon different?

He thinks maybe he needs to test this again. Still having two numbers left from the night Jaehwan took him out, he punches one into his phone.

 _‘Hey, this is Kim Wonsik. We met downtown last month. Are you free for drinks this weekend?’_ 9:32 PM

 _‘hey’_ 10:07 PM

 _‘yeah i remember your friend was hot. up for a threesome?’_ 2:54 AM

 _‘Never mind. Forget it.’_ 7:01 AM

 

Jaehwan’s packing a duffel bag that he plans to take with him for the weekend. He’s going back home for his mother’s birthday. “Take care of yourself,” he says to Wonsik with a smile that almost appears forced. “Buy a nice meal or something. I’ll be back Sunday.”

“I have a date Sunday. The fourth dude,” Wonsik responds, smirking a little bit because he knows he’s avoiding the main point.

“Which one is this?”

Wonsik can’t remember again, and his unusual lack of care is funny to him, so he laughs, causing Jaehwan to do the same. “I forgot.”

There’s a hit on his shoulder. Jaehwan’s voice gets high as he exasperates, “You never know, this could be the one! And if not, we’ll keep trying. Don’t give up. I know dating sucks. Trust me… I know.”

They part on a good note, although Wonsik’s smile diminishes the moment the door shuts. He wonders if Jaehwan would be acting the same if Wonsik had told him the full stories with the previous dates or the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore.

 

Saturday rolls around and Wonsik finishes the last of the books he took out from the library. He never knew he had it in him to read five books in one week, but he somehow managed it. A shower cleanses him free from the weekly grime and the scent of fresh clothes provide motivation to have a day out, a day away from this now quiet apartment.

A cooled tea feels good going down. It’s not morning anymore, but the day is still early for Wonsik. He walks around outside in the direction of the library and even though he’s not exactly taking the fastest route, he’ll get there eventually. The weather is getting colder by the day and he’s not a fan of it. He already misses the sunshine combined with refreshing breezes that remind him of the beach, of summer; his favorite time of the year. The nice thoughts perk him up, makes the uncomfortable weight of the book filled backpack hanging off his shoulder less obvious, and he becomes excited. Maybe he really will have something nice to tell Jaehwan come Sunday night.

The heavy books in his backpack are replaced with even heavier ones. This time, he chooses more biographies and autobiographies over the fictional stories. Before he knows it, hours have flown by and he’s spent most of the time sitting between a couple of older men reading newspapers on the building’s second floor. Hunger is what compels him to leave. The orange sky is bright despite the oncoming darkness and Wonsik looks around as he decides on what to eat.

He almost wants to splurge, to eat whatever he feels like not just because he wants to, but also because Jaehwan told him to. And that leads him to a restaurant he and Jaehwan have been to multiple times in the past. The place turns into a bar at night, but the food there is still incredible.

He’s sitting by the window, giving him a look outside and at the back patio of the restaurant. No one is out there yet, but once the sun fully sets, people will start to crowd despite the cooling temperatures. It’s quiet in his area, though. He orders a meat dish with soup and sides that are enough for two people, but he is alone. While waiting, he pulls out one of the books from earlier and reads as the delicious aromas of the kitchens seep in from behind him.

 

Time passes and Wonsik watches as the usual teenage hostess removes her apron at the end of her shift and a taller, much larger man takes her place for the restaurant’s nighttime transformation. The streets outside are still aglow, but the sky has darkened significantly. With the added noise, he replaces the book with his phone since concentrating has become tough. He doesn’t mind, though. Once the table has cleared, he orders his usual scotch and intends to sip on it until he’s ready to leave.

His second glass comes and goes quicker than expected and when the waitress asks if he wants another, he simply stares in disbelief, but orders another with a soft smile. The alcohol is working through his system and he can feel it. He hasn’t had any in weeks even though he’s almost wanted to. The goal tonight isn’t to make himself sick. That would go against Jaehwan’s request and his own personal desires. He just wants to feel good, to eat well, drink well, and sleep well tonight.

A smile lingers as he waits, aimlessly tilting his wrist with the empty glass in hand. People have begun to crowd the outside patio and he simply observes. Mainly younger students, but others closer to his age are also around. Groups relaxing and talking, waiting for food and drinks to come out so they can begin their night.

He focuses on a set of girls who are laughing so hard that their hands keep smacking the tables. It’s amusing to him as he wonders what could possibly be so funny, what could it be that has caused one of them to accidentally spill her drink this early on. None of his concern, nor will he go out there and ask, but witnessing from his perspective, in his slightly tipsy state, he’s curious.

His gaze travels closer towards the outer doors where a few men are standing around. One’s smoking a cigarette while two others close to him hold beers. Another man walks up to the one smoking, standing right in front of him before the distance momentarily closes between them in a way that’s far too intimate for any normal everyday interaction.

Wonsik blinks almost in disbelief, in questioning if he saw the situation correctly. He’s so concentrated that he doesn’t even realize the waitress placing his new glass onto the coaster right in front of him. But he’s still watching, visualizing as the man with the cigarette in hand wraps his arm around the second one, pulling him to his side until they are pressed together, looking at one another, and Wonsik’s heart pulsates. The face of the second man becomes clear.

Adrenaline suddenly releases through his blood, but he can’t look away. The man with the cigarette looks completely sleazy to him. A plain white t-shirt with skinny black jeans and a smirk to his face that pisses Wonsik off uncontrollably. His eyes fall to his new drink, one he doesn’t know if he wants to simply down or leave untouched, but he just knows he should leave.

He can’t one shot it, but he takes a big gulp that burns and stings all the way down, leaving the remainder on the table as he stands up. There’s a minute where his world slows, where he realizes the nice and relaxing night out he wanted isn’t going to happen anymore. He’s too worked up, too fueled by emotions to stop himself from calling over his waitress to bring the check, to ask for one last favor. “For the man in the dark blue sweater out on the patio… The one by the door—”

 

He watches momentarily as the waitress grabs a tray from the bar in order to deliver drinks to the people outside. The picture is clear through the window, but it’s his own heartbeat that helps in drowning out all the noise around him. With his weighted backpack securely thrown over his shoulder, he excuses himself from the table, heading towards the front entrance to make his escape. His eyes stay low as he walks through the doors, only glancing once to see the waitress pointing back inside where Wonsik was just sat, and seeing Taekwoon step off to the side, arching his neck around to take a look.

But Wonsik’s already gone. 

 

Even with the weather cool during the day, there’s still a striking chill at night that keeps him aware. This night is just beginning for everyone else, bustling and lively, but he’s heading home, wondering if going out was a mistake in itself.

He’s unlucky, it seems. Being in the right place at the right time or maybe even the wrong place at the wrong time—if that suits this situation better. He can’t decide right now. All he knows is that Taekwoon’s out today, and will most likely go home with someone. Someone who is not him. Someone possibly like the man who was smoking. Who appeared to be such trash based on looks alone.

He’s so upset that he can feel it all. The pressure, the overwhelming sadness, and the additional weight slowing him down, causing his steps to become heavy. Because what if he hadn’t witnessed Taekwoon working his way around the other man? Would he have blocked out all he had promised himself, all Jaehwan had told him, and talked to him anyway? Probably.

But it’s only because Taekwoon makes him feel, makes him feel anything—something. And that’s more than he does on any normal night. Taekwoon’s mysterious in the most interesting ways. He’s cute and playful, snarky and fun, but he has others sides that Wonsik wants to learn about, to uncover. Because despite what Taekwoon claims, he has a story. Hundreds. Thousands. Jaehwan does, the bartenders and waitresses he converses with do, and even the celebrities he’s been reading about in his books do as well. Everyone does.

 

“Thought you could pull one over on me, huh?” he hears suddenly off from his side, voice stern but clearly exerted. “You’re not as slick as you think you are.”

For some reason, Wonsik doesn’t find himself surprised by the words. He does, however, halt his steps, turning only his head while panning upwards to take in the white shoes and light washed jeans paired with a thick darker navy top. All to finally focus on the face where the comment came from. “How’d—you know?”

Following a quickened exhale comes a faint smirk, the ever alluring eyes blinking towards his own, and Wonsik is overcome with a relieving lightness to his chest.

Taekwoon’s the first to look away, dropping his head down and letting his loose hairs follow. It’s styled a little differently than Wonsik has previously seen it, parted off to one side instead of laying natural, and it looks nice—soft and healthy. He just wants to curl his fingers through it.

“The person who bought me a drink mysteriously disappears and I see you walking away,” he pauses to hum a little. “You got far and I even questioned if it was you are not for a second, but I was fairly certain. You don’t really blend in. I can’t tell if it’s due to your height or overall stature, but… You stand out in a crowd.”

He doesn’t know if that was meant as a compliment, but Wonsik can’t take it in any other way. Not when Taekwoon’s looking at him again, not when he feels so much from the little that was just said, and he swallows silently, holding in everything as best as he can because he thinks he could fall apart at any moment now. “I—um, yeah,” he gets out, quietly, and not at all like anything he truly wants to say.

But Taekwoon’s smile only grows, his shoulders slump with a soundless laugh, and his hands grasp around Wonsik’s arm. He steps in closer, letting his warmth collide with Wonsik’s own, and then they’re standing there, together. “Why did you leave?”

“I wanted to go home,” Wonsik only has to lower his chin slightly. Taekwoon is already right there.

“It’s early,” his gaze drifts away again, letting his fingers fall down Wonsik’s arm until they brush gently against his own. “Got any plans for the rest of the night?”

There it is. The offer that makes his pulse race, his hands a little clammy. Every piece of him screams because he wants nothing more than to say no, to run with this opportunity, to take Taekwoon by the hand and go back with him, to be with him—or at least—to feel with him, whether it lasts or not. But he can’t. He can’t because he knows he shouldn’t. Because it’s… Bad.

And Wonsik wants good. He wants real feelings and loyalty. He wants love. Real love. Pure love. And he knows everything Jaehwan’s been telling him is right. That he can’t continue this. He can’t. He can’t. “I’m not… Going to sleep with you,” he says slowly, tiredly because his emotions themselves are draining.

There’s a moment of stillness, silence, and Taekwoon’s eyes are still blinking away off into the distance. “Are you scared?”

“Scared of what?”

“Taking it in the ass,” is stated plainly.

Processing that comment takes its time because Wonsik had successfully pushed their previous discussion about future plans out of his mind. His head shakes through a scoff, causing Taekwoon’s attention to return to him, and for his legs to take a step back, creating space between the two of them again. Leaving Taekwoon to look small against the darkened streetlight.

“No—not that. I just… Can’t.” He frowns, but Taekwoon’s enlarged eyes only stare.

He seems to begin understanding now that this isn’t a joke, that Wonsik is attempting to be very serious, but that doesn’t seem to change his expression. He remains stunned, confused even, and questions, “You bought me the shot… Why?”

 _‘Palate cleanser,’_ is what comes to mind, is the main reason after he saw Taekwoon’s face close in on the smoking man’s in the back patio. He realizes now that his spite has caused misunderstandings, but that might not even be the real case. It wasn’t his intention for Taekwoon to see him, to find him, to follow him, to clearly run after him. Maybe he should be asking the same question as to why. What’s the true reason the two of them are standing together like this right now?

“I just did it… I didn’t think you’d know it was me.” There’s a narrowing of Taekwoon’s gaze that comes from his vagueness, but he still doesn’t look away. “I’m sorry.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Taekwoon asks softly, moving one of his feet back as if he already knows the answer, but Wonsik doesn’t respond. He doesn’t know what to say because the last thing he wants is for Taekwoon to leave, to go back to the bar and go home with someone else. His mouth drops open, but nothing comes out. “Or…,” Taekwoon continues, raising an eyebrow, “Do you still want some company?”

Wonsik presses his lips shut, feeling himself tremble a little bit as he works words up through his throat. “Whatever you want.”

 

His heart won’t slow even when he keeps his vision focused in front of him. Taekwoon’s beside him, keeping up with his quickened steps, but not saying anything. Their shoulders bump lightly every few seconds, but he doesn’t acknowledge them. He just keeps on going, keeps on his path home.

Taekwoon’s still there, still next to him minutes later when he stands in front of his apartment door. The key turns the lock and Wonsik catches Taekwoon’s expressionless look in a glance as he allows him to enter first. 

Lights are flipped on and windows cracked open as the inside air isn’t the freshest. Wonsik offers Taekwoon a drink, a snack, anything really, but he already knows the answer before words are spoken out between Taekwoon’s lips.

“Do you like a certain type of music? I’m going to put some on,” he asks while setting his phone into a speaker dock in his bedroom. Taekwoon’s standing almost awkwardly between the couch and the coffee table in the living room, but doesn’t sit down.

He’s busy looking around and eventually answers. “Anything’s fine.”

Wonsik doesn’t know what to do. The atmosphere should feel uncomfortable, but the fact that it doesn’t confuses him even more. He sits on the edge of his bed, letting the soft music playing console him as he takes in slow breaths. His eyes blink a few times as Taekwoon follows, standing at the doorway, and immediately looking down at the heavy backpack that has been haphazardly dropped against the wall. “Are you a student?”

In some way, this feels easier. “No, not anymore. I was at the library earlier today.”

“Do you read a lot?”

“I’ve been picking the hobby back up recently.”

“Ah,” Taekwoon releases, lowering himself into a squat.

He glances back, resulting in Wonsik confirming, “You can look if you want.”

Wonsik watches as Taekwoon’s fingers delicately pull at the bag’s drawstrings until it opens up for him. There’s some wonderment in Taekwoon’s curiosity, in the softness Wonsik can see from his profile. Somehow, it causes Wonsik to momentarily correct his slump, only to lean back out, allowing himself to take in all he can from this sight.

Taekwoon’s looking at the books one by one, eventually sitting himself on the floor. “Who is this?” He asks, holding out a specific book.

Wonsik catches himself smiling a little bit, letting it fall before responding, “I don’t know. I haven’t read that one yet. I think he’s a big European businessman. A CEO of a banking company or something.”

“Oh, okay,” Taekwoon says, taking one last look at the cover before adding it to the pile.

“Do you like to read?”

Taekwoon sets the rest of the books back neatly into the backpack, pulling at the strings as if to make it look as if he had never touched the bag to begin with. “Not really. I’d rather watch a movie.”

Wonsik hums, eyes following Taekwoon as he stands up again, leaning himself to the wall. There’s a fluttering that returns when their gazes catch.

“You sure have an interesting taste,” Taekwoon adds lightly.

“I’ve been pretty intrigued by people’s life stories these days.”

“I can tell,” he comments, looking back behind him into the hallway before continuing, “Where’s your roommate?”

“He’s out for the weekend.”

“So, it’s just you?”

“Yeah.”

 

It’s not long before Taekwoon takes a seat on the bed beside him. His mind doesn’t recognize the possible intentions, but everything seems jumbled anyway. Yet, he feels calmed. Taekwoon being here seems innocent, seems alright. They aren’t doing anything. They’re talking and he likes it. If nothing else, maybe they can be friends, he thinks.

But that thought deflates quickly once they turn towards each other and Wonsik’s drawn to Taekwoon subconsciously letting his tongue swipe over the corner of his bottom lip. There’s a sudden jolt, an immediate reaction of him forcibly holding back his every instinct to lean in. Instead he just stares at the temptation, only looking up once he’s positive Taekwoon notices. And he knows because Taekwoon’s lips curve into a small smile. A look that is incredible. One that Wonsik cannot deny his attraction to. One that causes his insides to feel soft.

“Everything okay?” Taekwoon asks, lowering his gaze down to Wonsik’s hand that is pressed into the folded over quilt between them.

Jaehwan’s voice yelling ‘ _don’t confide in him_ ’ rings through his thoughts, but he wonders how the act can be so bad when it brings him such relief. There’s so much on his mind, so much he wants to say, but hasn’t had a chance to let out yet. Things from the past couple of weeks he wants to talk about, moments that he wants to discuss, but events he doesn’t feel like will be the best to share with the only other person who listens to him—things he doesn’t want to tell Jaehwan.

Yet, Taekwoon’s looking at him again, compassion obvious, and Wonsik’s already not afraid to let him witness his vulnerable side. It might actually be the only side of him Taekwoon knows at this point.

“Not really.”

 

So, they lay down atop the covers, facing one another as the speakers on the other side of the room still play quietly. Words come easily, stories just flow, and Taekwoon listens to them all. Wonsik tells him about his outing in the city, getting the four numbers, and the following dates that ensued. He starts with Hanyeol, the pros and the cons, the lack of feelings, and the overall disappointment. The way he called the next day and Wonsik ended it right then and there, fighting through the overall guilt and regrets himself.

Dowon is next and Wonsik appreciates that Taekwoon doesn’t laugh, that he doesn’t find any of it funny. Because to Wonsik, it wasn’t. The experiences were worse than with Hanyeol simply because his expectations were a little higher, yet were crushed even harder. He didn’t care how nice and kind Dowon was when in reality he was committed to someone else. Separated or not, his ring was still there, sitting out as if it had been recently worn, and disappeared as if it were a secret that wasn’t supposed to get out. He doesn’t care for the full story, has zero interest on a conclusion for this one, because he’s upset he got himself involved in the first place. He doesn’t want to deal with people like that anymore.

He’s still hurt, still feels the pain at moments like these. As he talks he thinks of Joonhyun, of his worst memories with him, of the end to their relationship. It’s been many months since, but he can’t get past it. He didn’t want to ever date again, he never wanted to have to go through this again, not after being cheated on twice already, yet here he is. Pathetically sharing all of this with someone who probably doesn’t care, who can’t offer him the cure to a broken heart, who can’t be what he wants, what he’s yearning for.

But he stops himself mid-sentence because he’s trembling. His teeth close down on the soft flesh of his inner cheek, and he releases a shaky, “—I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Taekwoon’s tone is light, his gaze still focused on him when Wonsik manages to glance back. “But I’m not really good with people who are crying.”

“I’m not crying,” he exhales quickly.

“You want to.”

It’s not that he wants to—it’s more like he’s desperately stopping himself from allowing tears to fall. Taekwoon’s apparent frown blurs from his glossy vision, but he can’t blink away from it. He’s afraid that if he does, he won’t be able to hold back anymore. Yet, it’s only another second before Taekwoon rolls from his side to his elbows, bending one out towards Wonsik to gently caress his cheek, to let his thumb swipe just below his lashes, causing them to batter close.

Wetness falls down his face, but most is caught quickly. His body winces and sniffles and his hand comes up, curling around Taekwoon’s wrist as he holds it there, as he lets himself come undone.

 

“Wonsik,” Taekwoon’s soft voice calls after another minute. “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

He’s not really thinking when he nods his head, when he cracks his eyes open only to shut them a moment later as Taekwoon moves in, moves against him. His hand curves around to Wonsik’s neck while the other presses to his chest, and Taekwoon’s lips connect with his own.

They aren’t deep, but they’re cautious, a little sloppy, even, yet Wonsik isn’t bothered. His arms reach out and hold onto the man in bed with him, the one who is attempting to calm him down, or maybe working to make him let it all out.

He’s distracted, though, but in the best of ways. The kisses become more intense. Taekwoon’s so good at this that he manages to wash Wonsik’s thoughts away, to only have him focus on him, on the heat. Tongues glide together and Wonsik’s fingers finally make it to Taekwoon’s hair, twisting through and holding. The spark he always gets when he kisses Taekwoon is there, obvious as ever, and he allows himself to settle into it, to take in every feeling.

 

Taekwoon soon slows them down, treading his thumb smoothly against Wonsik’s drying skin, and eventually pulls back a little. They look at one another. Wonsik’s calmed considerably, but it’s Taekwoon who appears more flushed with color than before.

“That help?” He breathes out.

And Wonsik nods again slowly, licking his lips a little as he leans his head back against the pillow. “Yeah.”

Taekwoon’s expression falls slightly before him, flashing just a glimpse of disappointment as his hand retreats from Wonsik’s skin. His touch has become delicate, fingers dragging slowly, and it’s almost like a reflex when Wonsik takes his hand back. Their gazes connect again, causing Wonsik to be hit with another resurgence of feelings, to find the sudden surprise in Taekwoon’s eyes absolutely mesmerizing.

And in this moment, in this state of nothing but lightness and warmth filling his mind, desire flourishes, and he whispers, “It’s okay. We don’t have to stop.”

“But you said earlier—”

“Forget that.”

 

He’s not oblivious. He knows all those complicated thoughts and voices screaming to him are alive and there, but so is Taekwoon. Physically and real—his skin brushes against Wonsik’s in ways that feel louder than anything else. Taekwoon’s not asking for gentle this time, in fact, he’s not asking for much at all. It’s almost as if he’s willing to do anything for Wonsik right now.

The sensations are lively and strong, unleashing a new form of trust he didn’t know wasn’t already there. But he feels safe. He feels right—good. Taekwoon’s leading him through the processes. Telling him everything he’s going to do before he does it and quietly repeating words that Wonsik wishes he could hear every day. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He’s lost track of time, thinking it’s going so slow, when it’s really not. His room is still dark, illuminated by a single lamp on his nightstand and its reflecting glow shimmering across Taekwoon’s body above him. The last time he had sex with someone like this didn’t leave him bathing in this weightless magic that’s prickling against his skin, working up his nerves, and blossoming into something unknown, into something he doesn’t quite know how to categorize.

Taekwoon’s parted lips hover above his own, sticking slightly, but he holds for Wonsik’s sake, for the mess of their fingers sprawled between them to clear out. His eyes shut as his neck turns away despite Taekwoon holding him, allowing an accidental whimper to spill out.

But Taekwoon’s low chuckling brings him back, has him joining because they’re already in this together. Arms fold tightly around Taekwoon’s neck and it’s Wonsik who leads on the deep kisses. The ones that cause his head to spin, Taekwoon to moan beautifully, and hips to move slowly.

 

He likes this, likes feeling how Taekwoon’s heated breath stutters when he works with him. His hands fall down Taekwoon’s full, firm body, grabbing and squeezing because it’s easy in this position, and he’s gifted with an attempted short-lasting gaze that loses all intensity once Taekwoon bursts into a smile. Maybe he was right when he initially suggested they’d do something that would be more fun.

Because it’s only another minute before Wonsik rolls them over, pushing Taekwoon down by the shoulders and stepping a knee over so he can sit above him. He’s falling in love with the speechless look that Taekwoon keeps shooting over to him, and right now he’s feeding off of it. Leaning down, his hands curve to hold Taekwoon’s head, kissing him a few more times before rearranging his grip and finding that he likes this position so much better.

 

He’s sweating uncontrollably, but he’s staying focused, moving quickly, and watching Taekwoon be the one to quiver within the pleasure beneath him. He feels so good. Never has he rolled his hips like this before, but he’s quickly learning how to hold a rapid pace, how to time his movements perfectly with Taekwoon’s.

His lips keep curling, keep releasing airy laughs as he understands just how much fun this actually is, especially when Taekwoon’s smirking right back at him.

 

“That was exhilarating,” Wonsik pants out, still above Taekwoon, still pushing his limp arms down into the mattress.

“I told you,” he snickers quietly, lulling his head off to the side in exhaustion.  

But Wonsik has a hard time looking away. Taekwoon is clearly beat. His once neatly styled hair is a mess, but he’s still incredible to Wonsik. So much so that he doesn’t want to let go of him, to move his hands away that currently hold Taekwoon down where he is. Here with Wonsik—laughing and smiling and breathless.

But as he calms, reality is catching up quickly. This process has already happened multiple times before. He regretfully releases Taekwoon’s arms, lowering himself just enough to let their faces get close, for their heated breaths to blend, but only tilting in enough to leave a soft, half returned kiss to his lips before crawling off.

The weak breeze flowing in from the window hits his cooling skin, awakening in the slightest of ways, and he turns towards it. A large sigh escapes as he stares out. Taekwoon is being quiet behind him, but he knows he’s there. He’s unforgettable at this point. Wonsik can feel it, their chemistry—the unwavering attachment—the desire to stay with him like this. He can’t deny it.

Yet, he’s aware of the truth. The facts that tell him everything otherwise, and they gnaw at him. Slowly at first, enough where he can push the sting away, accept the numbness he’s grown used to, but now it just hurts. Even standing before this cold open window isn’t aiding him in relieving this halfway to physical filth he’s feeling throughout.

He sees Taekwoon watching him with a small glance, curiously raising a brow before asking, “You alright?”

“Yeah, just… Hot.” Sort of, but this gives him an idea, something to work off of, something a little desperate in hopes it will make him feel better, will entice Taekwoon to stay with him even just a little bit longer. “I think I want to jump in the shower… Come with me?”

They stare at one another, Taekwoon’s expression is barely readable, but he eventually lets out an answer. “I’m okay,” he exhales, adverting his eyes down to his own body. It’s almost funny, though. Taekwoon could actually use the rinse more than Wonsik right now.

But this causes hopes to drop alongside his lips. Taekwoon always… Rejects everything, even if it doesn’t make any sense to Wonsik. “Are you sure? It can be just a quick wash…” His voice becomes small by the end of the thought.

There’s a nod and an attempt at a reassuring smile, but ultimately, still a rejection.

Wonsik reaches over to the nightstand where his tissue box is pushed to the wall and then down for the trash can, moving them closer to the bed for easy access. He sits himself on the edge of the mattress, feeling Taekwoon’s legs brush up against him to make room for his intrusion, but before he can make another move, fingers grasp urgently around his wrist, and he stops.

“It’s okay, Wonsik. I can understand what you’re feeling since you haven’t done that in a long time.” Taekwoon’s voice is surprisingly soft, but it’s still enough to halt his every movement.

No, he doesn’t understand what Wonsik is feeling, not internally—he can’t possibly. “Do you… Do you need anything?” He offers yet again, desperation clear.

Taekwoon’s eyes cast downward again as his body sits up against the headboard. There’s a smile forming on his lips, a small one, a sweet one, and Wonsik’s almost in awe by it. “No, now go shower.”

 

Hesitancy follows with every step. This isn’t something he wanted to do by himself since leaving Taekwoon alone in his room is the most nerve-wracking thought. Water falls over his body, but with each second, each wasted moment, he can’t help but imagine Taekwoon sneaking out, not even saying goodbye, and leaving him just like this. He’s so focused on his senses, on listening against the flow of water spouting out of the faucet and ricocheting off the walls and floor that he almost doesn’t even wash himself.

He curses at this stupid idea. One in theory decent, but Taekwoon is an entirely different story, unlike anyone he’s ever dealt with. He doesn’t know—doesn’t understand. The anxiety has him out within just a couple of minutes, not even allowing himself to dry before he’s walking back into his bedroom, dripping all over the cooled floor.

But Taekwoon’s still there. Still in the same spot, just rolled over, looking at his phone like he has been waiting patiently. He can see from the trash can that Taekwoon did clean himself up. He even pulled the bed sheet up, covering him a little as if he’s settled, cozied, and the relief within Wonsik’s chest is instantaneous and incredible.

He runs the towel through his hair, stepping around the mattress to catch Taekwoon’s attention, to see him immediately put his phone down and look up at him with content, with the confidence he typically carries seeping back. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah,” he replies, sending the man in his bed a warm smile.

 

Quietness returns following their longer cooldown and Wonsik is able to pick up on the melody of the music playing again. He has climbed back into the bed enough to leave space in between them, but Taekwoon’s still right there, laying comfortably beside him. The sight continues to make him happy, at ease, forgetting the panic he had in the shower just minutes ago. Because the lingering adrenaline and endorphins are still there, still affecting his brain, and he wonders if the alcohol he drank earlier is also still affecting his decision making as well.

His eyes drag up Taekwoon’s frame. He thinks he should be too embarrassed to let anything continue, but he realizes he’s already too far deep to let himself feel that way now. He leans up a little to grasp Taekwoon’s focus again, asking in almost a whisper, “Do you like cuddling?”

“Um,” Taekwoon starts suddenly, looking back at Wonsik with a somewhat surprised expression. “Sometimes… If I’m cold.”

“Are you cold now?” He questions, noticing again how Taekwoon slid his way under the sheets within the few minutes Wonsik was gone.

There’s a pause, but neither break their gaze. “—a little.”

“Okay.”

 

He understands why Taekwoon might be confused by his actions. Nearly three hours ago Wonsik was pushing him away, but now they’re laying like this. He has guided Taekwoon against his side, head resting at his collar, and legs bent together. His skin is still very warm to the touch and he tilts his head up towards Wonsik, questioning, “Are you expecting me to fall asleep like this?”

“Could you?” He’s more intrigued by the concept.

There’s a sneer out of Taekwoon that makes him seem more relaxed about this whole situation. Wonsik begins idly playing with Taekwoon’s fingers that have curled atop his chest, smiling back when his actions aren’t stopped. “Maybe. I might get too hot, though.”

“You just said you were cold.”

“I said a little bit,” he corrects, but it just causes Wonsik to laugh. “What are we doing? I thought you didn’t want any of this?”

Wonsik shrugs his shoulders through a hum, causing Taekwoon to fidget slightly. “I don’t know anymore. I feel out of my mind, but a little bit more grounded with you here. I mean, I didn’t even expect to see you or for me to cry tonight, so… It is what it is, I guess.”

“I told you we’d run into one another again,” he says in a softer tone, looking back down towards where their hands rest. “I’m always out.”

Taekwoon begins playing along, pointing his index finger out to push against Wonsik’s. “Would you have gone home with that other guy who was smoking if you hadn’t seen me?”

Silence reigns for a good moment. “Maybe—if he wanted me to.”

It’s not like he didn’t already know the answer, but his heart is still affected, still extra sensitive right now. “Why him?”

“He hit on me first and he was smoking,” Taekwoon explains lightly, his voice seemingly getting quieter.

“Smoking isn’t good for you.”

“I know,” he agrees, letting his finger slide past Wonsik’s. “But my ex used to smoke. I like it.”

Wonsik doesn’t fully understand, but his curiosity spikes. Never has Taekwoon mentioned an ex before. “What do you mean by that?”

“Smoking alone is boring, so sometimes we would share a cigarette together.”

Wonsik’s hand runs along the indentations of his spine, stopping to clutch loosely at Taekwoon’s hip. He doesn’t like this conversation, but he wants to know more—his insides are screaming at him to. He tilts his head to lean into Taekwoon’s hair and somehow this makes him feel closer. “And this guy at the bar reminded you of that?”

“Yeah.”

This time, it’s Wonsik’s voice that quiets. His heartbeat picks up. “Tell me about your ex.”

Taekwoon scoffs loudly, lifting his head to look up, but it only causes his hair to be pushed into Wonsik’s face. Both of them shift. “There’s no reason to. It’s a completely different story than with your ex.”

“What happened?” He asks, spreading his fingers to slide in between Taekwoon’s, hoping the extra touch will be enough to add some reassurance.

But it does nothing. Taekwoon scoffs once again. “Pass.”

“How long ago was this?” A quick, desperate follow up.

Immediately. “Pass.”

Wonsik sighs loudly, causing Taekwoon to chuckle softly at his frustrations. But he continues with one more. The same question Taekwoon had asked him many months ago. “Do you still love him?”

This hushes Taekwoon instantly. They blink at one another for a moment, for what feels like a long moment because Taekwoon’s expression faintly twitches and drops. “Pass,” he says, but Wonsik feels like he already got his answer.

Taekwoon also seems to realize that. He bats Wonsik’s hand away from his own to sit up slightly with a new, animated look taking over as he looms above him. “Answering your questions is not why I’m here.”

But Wonsik only looks up at his feisty expression, wanting to play along, but still feeling his emerging grin falter a little bit. “Then… Why are you here?”

It’s a good question. One he forced out of his mind long ago because there was just too much going on to think about it at an earlier time. His response causes Taekwoon’s initial smugness to drop, his confidence to drain slightly, and he looks Wonsik in the eye as he explains, “I thought… I thought you could use the company. You bought me the shot and all…”

This sudden shyness Taekwoon’s exuding is surprising despite the previous conversation. It gives Wonsik the edge he needs to fully smirk again, to encourage this fun bantering instead. “What’s your definition of the word ‘company’?”

It doesn’t work. Taekwoon snickers again, following and quickly returning to his usual self. “That’s another question.”

“You already know I have a lot of questions for you.”

“I told you I may not answer them.”

“But how confident were you that I would give in and have sex with you?”

Taekwoon laughs so hard that he stumbles over, but Wonsik’s arm is quick enough to catch him. “It’s not that—”

His leg twists around Taekwoon, causing him to come back down, for them to roll together, and for Wonsik to easily nuzzle his way back into his neck. “Mhm,” he moans, satisfied and in control. “Sure.”

Taekwoon is easily taken down, easily held tightly. Resonating laughter shakes between them and Taekwoon gasps, releasing a heated sigh. “I thought you needed some cheering up.”

“I did and this helped.”

“If it all went my way, I would have asked for something different,” he continues in a defensive tone, almost as if he’s trying to put all of this on Wonsik.

But Wonsik is calming, finding Taekwoon’s way of arguing more endearing than anything. He can’t help it. “What, you didn’t like it?”

“I did, but also I like when you… When you—”

“We can still do that,” Wonsik announces lowly, already figuring out what he is referring to while pressing his lips to the skin just below Taekwoon’s ear. It’s funny to him. He’s relaxing, but he can feel Taekwoon’s heart racing.

Quietness returns as Taekwoon doesn’t respond to that offer. Not immediately, at least. “Next time,” he eventually whispers.

And Wonsik repeats, “Next time.”

 

Laying like this reminds him of the many times he and Joonhyun would pass out on the couch together. With limbs sprawled over one another, they would just sleep to the various sounds of the television until Jaehwan arrived home and accidentally woke them up because he never quite did learn how to shut the entrance door quietly when the windows inside were open during the springtime. It’s been a long time since those days.

Wonsik shuts his eyes, dipping his face down to rest against Taekwoon’s neck. Their position isn’t the most ideal, himself being thrown over Taekwoon, but he’s warm and comfortable, the quiet music only aiding in making him drowsy. It really does feel like old times.

Except it’s not. This isn’t Joonhyun.

“I can’t fall asleep,” Taekwoon’s voice comes out gentle, comes out almost regretful.

“You can,” he murmurs back.

But Taekwoon only repeats the same thing. “I can’t.”

“There’s nothing to worry about. I’ll still be right here in the morning, I promise.” He doesn’t want Taekwoon to be concerned over anything. He doesn’t want him to leave. He doesn’t want to lose him just yet. Not when they’re like this.

“I can’t,” Taekwoon says again in a softer whisper.

Wonsik’s grip on Taekwoon’s arm tightens. He wants to pull him in closer, but instead he only manages to draw himself up over Taekwoon’s backside a little bit more. “Why not?”

“My job,” he states quickly.

Wonsik means to whine, but his tone comes out much firmer than expected. His face doesn’t move from its spot on Taekwoon’s neck, but he still questions directly, “What job could you be possibly doing at this hour?”

Taekwoon doesn’t reply, so Wonsik instinctively wiggles him slightly in hopes it might ease the effect of his accidental outburst, expecting a ‘pass’ to be spoken soon, but it never does come. Instead, Taekwoon manages to become even quieter. So quiet that if Wonsik’s ear wasn’t so close to his throat, he may have never heard it at all. “It’s for my family.”

Wonsik subconsciously mimics his tone, lowering his voice significantly to avoid sounding intrusive. He already feels bad. He’s not going to push anymore. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Taekwoon releases with an exhale. He has apologized for having to leave before, but never have his words felt like this about it.

“No, I—,” he begins before a sigh. “I didn’t mean for that to be harsh. I just… Really would like it if you stayed.”

Even just letting those words verbalize makes him feel awful. He shouldn’t have any expectations or hope left after so many times they have done this. If Taekwoon didn’t stay the first three times, what makes him think he’ll stay the fourth? Either way, Taekwoon doesn’t comment on that.

He pushes himself up against the mattress, causing Wonsik to softly slide off him and to the side. He turns around so they’re facing one another, but he’s still right there, warm skin brushing against Wonsik’s. His eyes are half-lidded at the start, but open fully as they gaze at one another. Taekwoon’s heated breath is so tempting from this angle, from their closeness, but his lips purse after a moment. It’s his hand that comes up and this time Wonsik has no reason to try and hold back. His eyes close the moment Taekwoon’s fingers delicately brush over his hair, combing through the clumped strands so they fall towards the back and behind his ears. “It will dry weird if you sleep with it all messy like this,” he explains lightly.

Wonsik’s eyelids crack back open, taking in the smallest smile that Taekwoon’s wearing, and embracing the shivers that shoot down his spine from the touch.

His lips curve as Taekwoon continues, parting only to release a small, “Thank you.”

Taekwoon hums prettily in response, sliding his hand to Wonsik’s neck before holding it there.

“Are you going to leave now?” He asks in a light tone, dropping his head against his arms, but Taekwoon’s thumb gliding through his shorter hairs doesn’t falter with the movements.

Another moment and Taekwoon does what he’s done before, pulling his hand away and crawling over Wonsik’s middle to catch a glance at the hidden clock on the other side of the bed. He watches Taekwoon’s every movement, but the desire to grab onto him isn’t as pressing this time around. He simply waits.

“It’s not all that late yet,” Taekwoon announces, drawing himself back only to lie down even closer than before. “I thought it was later.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, but he smiles fully this time, feeling a weight lifting in his chest now that Taekwoon is back at his level, his face only a few inches away. It seems on purpose, too. Taekwoon leans in a little more, his slight grin fading, but it’s Wonsik who moves in, kissing him like this first.

 

 

“Wonsik…,” he hears softly, a nudging of his shoulder snapping him awake. “I’m about to head out.”

Taekwoon’s standing before him, clothed and all put back together. Wonsik doesn’t remember falling asleep, doesn’t remember feeling Taekwoon climb out of bed, and he blinks up at the other almost deliriously. Gasping in a large breath, he sits himself up to reach for his phone, only to remember it’s not actually on his dresser. It’s still in the dock across the room, but music is no longer playing. With a little more of a lean, he can see his alarm clock. 3:26 AM. The latest Taekwoon has yet to stay.

“Did you fall asleep too?” Is the first he asks, voice a bit dry.

Taekwoon shakes his head. “I just thought I would wake you up before I left…”

He slips on some boxers before walking Taekwoon down the hall. Everything is so quiet and no one is talking, but he’s too tired to think about any of it right now. He catches Taekwoon’s eyes at the door—pretty and shimmering against the dim lighting from his bedroom making its way throughout the rest of the apartment—and he can’t stop himself this time. “Hey,” he calls, gently folding his fingers around Taekwoon’s wrist, urging him to move in closer. “Come here.”

And effortlessly, Taekwoon does. Wrapping his arms around Wonsik’s waist, and letting their bodies press together. Wonsik’s hands hold around his back and Taekwoon’s heated breathing is felt clearly up his neck. Warmth washes over him like a blanket that’s ready to put him back to sleep. His eyes squeeze shut as he takes in all of Taekwoon as he possibly can. There’s his feelings, his scent, his touch—everything.

“Thank you,” he exhales calmly despite his racing pulse. “Thank you for spending the night with me.”

He means it. Every word of it. Maybe he’ll regret his actions later, but in this moment, he can’t. It feels too good, too necessary. He’s so attached to this man whether he feels he should be or not. His lips press together as he tightens his hold around Taekwoon, wondering when they’ll see each other again. Will it be another couple of weeks? Another three months? Never?

“You’re going to be fine,” Taekwoon speaks almost in a chuckle. “You have a date tomorrow, remember?”

His eyes widen at that statement, at how much those are not the calming words he is looking for. Sure, he had told Taekwoon earlier about his past and future dates, but this… Isn’t what he wants to hear right now.

“Um… Yeah,” he returns, near frowning, but Taekwoon’s not able to see it.

“Don’t give up. I know you’ll find someone great.”

They pull back a little and Taekwoon’s somewhat smiling, probably thinking he’s helping, but he’s really not. Because at least right here, at this very moment, the only person Wonsik wants to pursue and be with is already right in front of him.

He forces a smirk because everything feels messed up. Taekwoon saying this really only adds in validating what Wonsik already knows, has long known. No matter how much his feelings have evolved… Taekwoon does not feel the same.

They step apart and Taekwoon sends him an apologetic expression before leaning down to put his shoes back on. Then he says what Wonsik’s heard him say a lot. “I’ll see you around, okay?”

“Okay,” he can only add with a nod.

“Have a good night, Wonsik.”

“Good night.”

 

 

 _‘Hey, I’m going to have to cancel for today. Something came up. I’m really sorry.’_ 10:43 AM

 _‘That’s fine. Do you want to reschedule? I’m free tomorrow night as well.’_ 10:46 AM

 _‘I’m sorry. I’m dealing with something kind of big and I don’t think I’ll be able to for a while.’_ 10:50 AM

 _‘Okay.’_ 10:51 AM

 

Breakfast consists of coffee and a pack of ramyeon he microwaves instead of boiling. A bad combination in the end—the sodium and caffeine only aid in his headache, but he merely deals with it. He’s not as upset as he feels he should be. His bedsheets remain intact and he’s not really in the mood to do anything about them. They weren’t that messy to begin with. Taekwoon’s presence lingers within the room—his scent imbedded into the pillowcases and the used condom and tissues stay in his bedside trashcan for now. He’s too tired to do much of anything.

His body leans against the shower wall as the steam surrounds him, filling his lungs with each relaxing breath. Nothing unexpected was learned last night. There’s still no regret, though, and that’s surprising enough. He wonders if maybe he’s becoming desensitized, but that thought in itself is almost a joke.

His pain comes and goes. It was there last night and then it wasn’t. He’s sure that it’s always there, just sometimes hidden, pushed aside like he often does with his bad thoughts. But that wouldn’t exactly explain the numbness, what he’s feeling right now. He keeps trying to focus, to make himself think and question, but the energy to just isn’t there. Instead, he tugs at the drawstrings of his backpack, dumping out the books Taekwoon neatly stacked all over the floor, and takes the one he never had the chance to finish at the restaurant and an additional one back into the living room. Maybe drowning himself in other people’s lives is easier, he assumes. Because that’s what he does for the next few hours.

 

Keys jingle just outside of the door as Wonsik’s long legs bend to fit himself onto the couch. He’s relieved when only one person steps inside, one whose form he could recognize from anywhere.

“Wonsik—hey—can you help me with these bags?” Jaehwan requests with a clear struggle and he sits up to witness his roommate trying to carry at least five bags at once. “There are more in the car.”

So, he does, taking whatever is handed to him and placing them on the counter in the kitchen or on the floor of Jaehwan’s bedroom. They end up taking two more trips down to the garage where Jaehwan’s car is parked. “Thanks for the help. My mom gave me so much food that we shouldn’t have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.”

They smile at one another and Wonsik temporarily forgets the weekend as they scoop individually bagged leftovers into bowls to reheat for their dinners. Jaehwan tells him all about his weekend home as they eat together: his adventures with friends, getting the chance to go out with his older brother of whom he rarely gets to see, and chasing around the dogs until he had no more strength to do anything else. It sounds nice and relaxing and reminds Wonsik that he doesn’t talk to his own family enough anymore.  

“How was your date?” Jaehwan asks after he finishes with his stories. He’s curious, eyes enlarged and his brows give a bounce in Wonsik’s direction.

Yet, there’s no hesitation—no unnecessary thought. “It was alright. Nothing special, so… I don’t think I’ll see him again.”

Jaehwan pouts following a groan, tilting his head down. “Damn, okay. What happened?”

Wonsik blinks away, taking just a moment to think of something generic, something to carry this lie. A lie he’s not even sure why he’s making, but one that’s coming out effortlessly. “We got lunch and it was awkward. I kind of just wanted to leave the entire time.”

“That’s the last of the numbers you got, right? We’ll have to plan another trip out,” he insists, but Wonsik’s really not in the mood to. He’s already tired of dating even though he hasn’t put that much effort into it this time around. But the little bit already feels draining enough.

“Maybe another time,” Wonsik speaks in a smaller voice, avoiding Jaehwan’s suddenly saddened gaze. “I mean… I’ve already been cheated on twice in a row now. Don’t you think that’s a sign?”

“No—what—Wonsik, no, don’t say that,” Jaehwan’s tone starts getting louder. “I wasn’t around until after you broke up with Minhyuk, but I watched you bounce back. You were with him for even longer than you were with Joonhyun, right?”

“Yeah, but we were younger,” he explains tiredly, running a hand through his messy hair out of habit. “It wasn’t as serious.”

“Not as serious, my ass,” Jaehwan spits through a scoff. “You were a mess when I first met you, but you healed. It wasn’t even that long until I set you up with Joonhyun and you acted like a happy-sappy-lovestruck boy again, at least I assume that’s how you were. Sure, it didn’t work out with Joonhyun either, but that’s not the point. You’ll find someone else. You just have to keep looking.”

He sighs. The same words keep being said to him, but they’re never what he wants to hear. “Do you think I’m the problem?”

Jaehwan’s face falls into his arms against the dining table, but he immediately picks it back up, nearly glaring. “How many times do I have to beat this into your head? You’re an amazing guy. I don’t know much about Minhyuk, but Joonhyun had his own list of issues. Trust me, he talked to me a lot. Probably more than he should have, but we were friends, you know?”

He’s okay—talking about Joonhyun is much easier these days than it used to be. Time has healed that much. He looks back down at his empty bowl. “What did he tell you? I know he had a lot of confidence related problems. Like, in himself and his goals and all that.”

“You know, looking back, I’m kind of an idiot. I think Joonhyun dropped me some hints he was going to cheat on you.”

“What do you mean?” Wonsik perks, never hearing about this before.

Jaehwan clearly fidgets within his chair, rearranging his feet underneath the table. He glances at Wonsik before looking away again as his expression already appears troubled. “He would talk about your relationship—like your sex life—and… Honestly, it wasn’t something I liked hearing about.”

“I mean, it wasn’t great,” Wonsik admits easily, not as surprised by this information as he thought he might be. “I really tried, though.”

“Yeah, he told me about that. He always felt bad for you. I’m sure that didn’t help with his anxiety.”

“I don’t know what he said to you, but I told him so many times that it was fine. I… I loved him enough that I didn’t mind.”

“I guess that wasn’t enough for him. He would tell me things like he wanted to try sleeping with more people. Not just boys, but girls as well,” Jaehwan continues on.

This catches Wonsik off guard. “Really?”

“He once told me that he wanted to have a threesome with you and someone else,” he states, physically gritting his teeth, but Wonsik doesn’t blame him.

In fact, he’s not really thinking about Jaehwan right now. He’s too preoccupied. “He never brought that up with me… I may have considered it if he thought it would help. I mean, we had tried so many other things already.”

Jaehwan pulls a simply perplexed face as he looks back at Wonsik. “Like a month later he told me he was already out looking for people. It was… Maybe half a year before you two broke up?”

This time, that bit of information causes something in his stomach to dip. His tone drops as he tilts his head slightly towards Jaehwan, “Why didn’t you ever tell me this?”

They stare at one another. Jaehwan’s eyes are immediately big and Wonsik’s jaw remains somewhat slack. “I guess I assumed you already knew? Again, your sex life is not my favorite topic of discussion.”

Wonsik simply blinks, furrowing his brows because he’s not sure how to process this or how to feel, but he is feeling. He’s feeling a lot right now. “You’ve known this for how long now? Even after the breakup you have never mentioned this?”

Jaehwan’s someone he doesn’t like to argue with. Since living together for this long, they have only fought a handful of times. Jaehwan can get ugly fast when upset. But so can Wonsik. “What was I supposed to say to you?” He flares, slightly raising his voice in a way that screeches through Wonsik’s senses. “Yeah, you go for that threesome that your boyfriend confided in me about even when I had no idea if it was a secret I was supposed to know or not?”

His roommate’s words barely register. He’s too riled already for lacking responses. “For months, I’ve had no idea what happened with Joonhyun because he never told me. You and I have had… So many conversations about this in the past. When it directly happened and even just a few weeks ago, but you’ve never thought to mention this? Even when I was looking anywhere and everywhere for answers?”

Jaehwan stands up quickly, loudly, pushing his hands into the table so he can lean over it. “Wonsik, what the fuck? Are you actually blaming me for this?”

His knuckles bend into a grip on his knees. Jaehwan’s loud and sometimes obnoxious, but he doesn’t scare him. Not now. Especially not now. His adrenaline is pumping through him again because he’s getting worked up, all his emotions are colliding together—he’s feeling—anger. “How could you not tell me any of this?” He can only repeat, stunned.

“Really?” He yells, voice hasty and thick. “Maybe it was because I didn’t want to get involved? Both of you were my friends and I didn’t want to?” There’s a pause where he steps to the side with an exaggerated scoff, “Are you fucking serious?”

And this is where Wonsik can’t hold back anymore, can’t contain himself. He’s felt these beating feelings so many times before that he just can’t take it any longer. Because he’s so over—so unbelievably sick of betrayal, that he loses it. He stands up, glaring back into Jaehwan’s burning eyes. “Even after all that has happened to me, you still valued Joonhyun’s secrets enough to keep them to yourself for this long? Even after I’ve been struggling by myself like this?”

Jaehwan opens his mouth to rebuttal, but Wonsik’s not done yet.

“—You don’t talk to Joonhyun anymore, you don’t associate with him anymore, you didn’t even go up to him when he randomly showed up uninvited at your promotion celebration all those months ago, and yet you kept his secrets from me for this long?” His voice is getting rough, getting raw. “Does your friendship with him still mean that much to you? More than ours? More than the person you see and talk to and live with every single day? The person who was the most hurt from this breakup?”

His breathing is rapid like his pulse as his hand rests against his own chest. Eyelids blink, but they don’t make him feel any better, don’t rid him of the redness that is taking over his vision. He’s anticipating Jaehwan’s response, wondering how it’s going to hurt him this time, because when they’re like this, that’s all their words ever do.

“You’re insane,” Jaehwan breathes out, harsh as expected. “I’ve been by your side since day one. Joonhyun is a fucking asshole for what he did to you and I’ll never defend him for that. He’s told me so much shit over the years that I can’t even begin to make sense and categorize all of it, okay? What do you want from me?”

‘Loyalty’ is what he wants to say, to scream because Jaehwan is the person he’s been the closest to for so long, but he doesn’t. They stare at one another, both quiet beside their breathing, and Wonsik looks around. His eyes scan the floor, the spot in the kitchen he sat in and broke down in after the breakup, the seat on the couch where he spent so much time laying, thinking about everything and hurting, and catching the covers of the books he had been reading earlier to try and suppress it all.  His hands shake as his fingers curl around the back of his chair and his gaze remains on his blue veins elevated clearly. Jaehwan’s last words ring as nothing but excuses, nothing that makes him feel any better. He doesn’t like this, doesn’t want to hear anymore or let this continue—almost wishing the numbness would return because somehow that was easier.

“I don’t want to fight with you,” he speaks almost calmly, the softest either of their voices have been in minutes.

Without sparing another glance, he picks up his bowl, reaching over the table to take Jaehwan’s as well, and turns back into the kitchen.

Jaehwan’s still fuming, but he walks away. Muttering, “Ungrateful fuck—” as he leaves down the hall and into his room.

The apartment echoes from the door nearly slamming, but Wonsik finds comfort in it. The warm water washing over his hands as he cleans their dishes aids in soothing his jitters, but he’s still on edge, still in shock from the whole thing. He grabs his books from the coffee table and does exactly what Jaehwan did just moments prior—returns to his room.

 

He didn’t realize it earlier, but stepping back in and shutting the door traps him within his own space. This is usually fine, preferred even, but today he never cleaned anything. And that’s why he’s left stopped in his tracks. Because Taekwoon’s scent still remains, infused with his own.

His books are dropped on his bed after a moment of looking around, his heartbeat is still echoing throughout the silence, and he leans down to start picking up his clothes from the previous night. He might have considered doing laundry tonight, but after the scuffle with Jaehwan, he doesn’t want to go back out into the apartment again. Instead, he tosses the dirty clothes into the hamper, pausing when he slips his wallet out of a pocket in his jeans.

There’s no real reason why he feels compelled to look, but he flips the wallet open, pulling out all his cards before tucking them back in, counting his cash, and confirming that everything is all there, all in place, untouched. He stands, heading directly towards his dresser where a few pieces of jewelry sit out in the open. There aren’t a lot of nice things he owns, but he’s got a watch from his grandfather and a few necklaces he’s collected over the years that are worth a pretty penny. All are exactly where they should be and accounted for.

Taekwoon had the perfect opportunity to steal from him last night if he wanted to, if that’s what he was after. While Wonsik was asleep he could have raided the place and left without any sign, but he didn’t. He didn’t do anything like that. Wonsik’s not surprised, but still a little relieved, thinking that Taekwoon can’t be as bad as people make him out to be.

He removes his phone from the dock it’s been sitting in all day and lays in bed, wishing he had a way to contact Taekwoon. Wishing he could talk to him—could see him right now.

 

 

The week starts off slowly. He’s already tired before he even makes it to work, but he tends to enjoy being there more. At least, it’s better than at home. He doesn’t speak to Jaehwan and Jaehwan doesn’t speak to him. There’s too much tension, too many emotions that were never calmed, arguments that were never resolved.

Part of Wonsik cares, but the remainder doesn’t. He’s still trying to figure out how to feel from what happened. And that’s what has him going out every night, avoiding Jaehwan, staying away from his mother’s cooking that takes up most of their refrigerator, and fending for himself. He doesn’t mind, really. Doesn’t even expect an apology or anything because he knows that’s not the way Jaehwan is.

Their past fights have never lasted this long. They would stem from drunken spats, Jaehwan sometimes being too loud at night, to Wonsik and Joonhyun leaving the living room a mess for one reason or another. Nothing ever too big. He just doesn’t know how to fix this one. Jaehwan’s stubborn and he’s hurt. Yet, he almost feels nothing at this point.

The information does make him think back to Joonhyun and what might have really happened. They had a good relationship, he always thought—good enough where sex wasn’t all that important. Wonsik never thought they lacked overall intimacy since they found other ways, but Joonhyun had a difficult time with it. He just never seemed to enjoy himself when he and Wonsik were going at it.

Wonsik tried. That was never a lie. He researched so many techniques and practices and tried them out with Joonhyun, yet none ever really went well. Sure, it was disappointing, but never a deal breaker for him. Sex is nice and all, but it’s far from everything Wonsik wants in a relationship. They were so open about their feelings that he finds it hard to believe Joonhyun would keep this from him. If they had just talked about it—maybe this would have never happened.

But he wonders if that’s part of the reason he has such a great time with Taekwoon—because they actually both enjoy it. It’s refreshing. Taekwoon’s very enthusiastic about the effort Wonsik puts into satisfying him. And that feels good throughout, feels good knowing he can share in that type of pleasure with someone, that all his efforts weren’t for nothing in the end.

Joonhyun’s number is still in his phone. Well, his number at the time. He may have changed it by now, but Wonsik has always been hesitant to delete it. And on a Thursday night when he’s sitting alone at a cheap restaurant for dinner, he thinks about doing something with it. Then again, he doesn’t have much to say. He finds it almost frustrating that he still cares, but he loved the man. He probably still cares about all his ex’s. Well, maybe just his last two: Minhyuk and Joonhyun. None of the ones before lasted for long and he was too young to know what he was doing, really.

He doesn’t think too much about Minhyuk anymore—the last time probably being when he explained his situation to Taekwoon. Well, before Jaehwan brought him back up again. Minhyuk was his first roommate. They met during school and became close very quickly. So quickly that when they started university, they decided to get an apartment together—Wonsik’s current apartment.

There aren’t a lot of bad memories he has with Minhyuk. They were very carefree and relaxed together. Wonsik remembers having a lot of fun and getting into many silly college antics together. It was only at the end of their relationship when Minhyuk confessed what he had done in a broken-down mess that cracked everything they had. They both cried that night, but agreed on a separation. He remembers the loneliness he felt, the first real taste of betrayal.

 

Jaehwan’s hidden in his room when Wonsik makes it home after dark. He showers and heads to bed because he still has work in the morning and he’s more focused on that. Yet, he still blows through half of one of his books before he eventually passes out, mid-page. 

 

 

“Wonsik, why weren’t these numbers entered into the system? We’re not going to make the monthly cutoff if you don’t get them done today.”

He’s scolded, but he stares blankly at the senior woman within his department. “I’ll get it done.”

End of the month typically results in everyone working unpaid overtime. It’s just part of the business, he supposes. So, he stays with the rest of his group, hitting keys, punching numbers, flipping through paperwork, all so he can get the job done, so he can come back in on Monday and not be blamed for one thing or another. He’s so used to the process by now.

The sun has nearly disappeared by the time he makes it outside. His head hurts and his stomach grumbles, but he doesn’t feel like dealing with going home. The bus takes him close and he figures it will be alright to just go out in his work attire instead of changing. The temperature’s cold, but he’ll just deal with it. Why does it even matter anymore, anyway?

He unbuttons the top of his dress shirt and folds the sleeves up enough to keep them from falling back down. A cheap meal at a cheap restaurant becomes his dinner. His mind tries to imagine how this weekend is going to go with the two of them home together. Will they work things out? Or is this going to last? He hopes it won’t, but he’s still uncertain with Jaehwan.

He wants those thoughts to go away, wishing he had a book with him right now, but he doesn’t. Thankfully, there’s another way to help clear his mind.

 

His arms reach out to push open the heavy doors to one of the bars on his way home. One he’s been to before, the one Taekwoon told him to visit, the one where he kissed him in public. It’s extremely busy for a Friday night. Many people occupying just about every table and chair in view. Wonsik has to work his way up to the bar, ordering a simple beer to start off his night.

He stands off to the side, looking around for an open spot, and finally finding one in the far corner. It’s so loud that he can’t really think, but he supposes that’s a good thing. With his freshly tapped glass in hand, he carefully maneuvers through the crowd with his eyes locked on the empty chair. His feet stop as he leans his body to allow another man to slide past him. Once the path has cleared, he takes a single step forward, but is suddenly stopped again by a hand on his arm.

Quickly, his neck snaps around towards a familiar looking man, one he can’t quite remember, but has definitely seen before. His eyes trail down to the name tag dangling off his chest—Jinho.

“Hey—did he call you?” The man leans in to ask him.

Wonsik’s eyes remain enlarged, heavily confused as he’s not sure he’s understanding what is going on here. “Who?”

Jinho sighs heavily, releasing Wonsik’s forearm before raising his rough voice above the crowd. “Taekwoon. Did he call you?”

“No,” he replies with a slight shake of his head. He couldn’t even if he wanted to. Yet, as quick as he hears the name, curiosity streams throughout. “Is he here?”

A woman pushes into his side and Wonsik fumbles forward, gritting his teeth as he holds his beer firmly so it doesn’t spill. His eyes catch Jinho’s again. “Just follow me.”

Wonsik does, not even asking another question since he’s not given the opportunity to. Jinho is quick to turn around and create a path just by exuding his presence. They walk through two separate areas until they reach the opposite side of the bar. People are still occupying every seat, but there seems to be more open space that aids with easier breathing over here.

Jinho glances back at Wonsik as he points a finger out towards the left while he turns right. And with just a blink, Wonsik sees him. Sees Taekwoon’s form all the way over, sitting at the bar, and his stomach immediately feels light. He’s hunched over, hair in his face, and there’s only a glass of water with a yellow straw sitting in front of him.

“Taekwoon,” Wonsik calls, lightly placing a hand on his shoulder.

They look at one another momentarily, a smile forming on Wonsik’s face, but it’s Jinho who speaks first now that he’s behind the counter. “Taekwoon, look at me and listen to me. I need you to answer my question.”

No response out of Taekwoon, but his surprisingly expressionless eyes pull away from Wonsik’s without another second passing. “I already called Sora to see if she can come get you. Do you want her to pick you up or do you want—uh,” he pauses, gesturing out towards Wonsik.

“Wonsik,” he states as his lips drop into a frown.

“—Wonsik here to take you home instead?”

The more Wonsik looks back and forth between the two of them, the more confused he’s becoming. It’s only once Taekwoon opens his mouth that he understands. “I want another drink,” he demands, slurring slightly by the end of it, and it’s clear.

Wonsik squeezes his way in between Taekwoon and the wall so he can put his beer down and lean over the counter. Jinho already has a hand covering his face, obviously aggravated.

“What’s going on?” Wonsik asks, finally needing some answers after blindly being pulled into this.

He’s very stern with his tone. “Look, I don’t know how much Taekwoon has told you, but this is a bad day for him. He’s been here for a while now and I have just recently cut him off. My shift doesn’t end for another five and a half hours, so I can’t do much for him right now. My girlfriend can come get him, but she’s quite far and it will take some time.” Jinho’s attention turns back towards Taekwoon and he suddenly grabs his wrist as his hand was reaching out to take Wonsik’s beer. Taekwoon releases a frustrated noise and Wonsik has the immediate urge to pull Jinho’s hand away. That’s no way any normal bartender should handle a customer if they aren’t close, but Wonsik suppresses that feeling since he knows these two have some sort of history. At least, Jinho knows more about Taekwoon than he does. “Nice try. Wonsik, move your drink, will you?”

He picks his beer up and Jinho guides Taekwoon’s hand back towards his water glass. There’s another sigh before he continues, tone much softer this time. Wonsik’s not sure how he feels about it. “You need to go home. If you keep drinking, you’ll make yourself sick. It’s not worth it. Have you not learned anything?”

His words seem to possibly be getting to Taekwoon this time and Wonsik can do nothing but watch. He feels somewhat out of place, but once Taekwoon looks at him again, he’s greeted with a lazy tilt to his head and a small smile. “Hey.”

He leans against the wall again, glancing over at Jinho who simply groans. “Talk to him—I’ll be back.”

Wonsik nods, focusing back on Taekwoon who’s still smiling at him. He returns the look, gently because while Taekwoon’s in this moment, he appears extremely unguarded. His eyes are large and dilated, face relaxed and full of color, and he seems quite calm for someone who has been cut off. The alcohol must be doing exactly what he intended for it to do, whatever he must be blocking out on this day. “Look at us running into one another again so soon. It’s only been a week.”

“Mm,” Taekwoon moans almost incoherently. “Yeah.”

“How are you feeling?” he has to ask, has to gauge just how far gone Taekwoon is. It’s dark out, but not all that late. He wonders just how long Taekwoon has been sitting here if he’s already like this.

“I’m great,” he sneers, curiously looking back towards the beer in Wonsik’s hand. “Really—great.”

“Yeah?” Wonsik can’t help but chuckle a little. This is another new side of Taekwoon he’s learning about. A silly drunk. It’s almost cute.

“Are you going to drink that?”

“Maybe,” he says, folding his arms on the counter and lowering himself down to Taekwoon’s level. “You have a full glass of water in front of you. That will probably be better for you to drink right now.”

“I don’t want it.”

“How about something to eat?”

“Not hungry.”

“Do you want me to take you home?” He finally questions softly. This seems to be yet another night where he runs into Taekwoon and his evening plans change drastically. But he’s not bothered. Even like this, Taekwoon’s beside him and he feels some sort of relief. “You’ll have to give me your address and I’ll take you there.” The smile on Taekwoon’s face fades, but his gaze doesn’t waver. They both blink and Wonsik releases a curious, “Hm?”

“With you?”

“Yes, if that’s what you want.”

It’s unexpected, but Taekwoon’s expression quickly breaks into a grin—teeth white and shining—and his eyes curve because of it.

 

Jinho returns a few minutes later, brows scrunched in irritation, but Wonsik makes sure to gather his attention back with a wave of his hand. “Hey, I’ll bring him home. He’s very—”

“Yeah,” Jinho replies quickly, “He drank a lot because he’s very stubborn, but he’ll be alright. He was incredibly talkative an hour ago, but it looks like he’s going into his quiet spell. I’m sorry about this, but I also really appreciate it. Taekwoon does this from time to time. He knows his limit, but sometimes he just doesn’t care.”

Jinho takes Wonsik’s completely untouched beer back behind the counter, telling him his next drink will be on him. He stands there watching while Taekwoon’s looking down at his own fingers on the counter blankly. “What happened that made this a bad day for him?”

“I’ll let him tell you that one,” he responds solemnly and Wonsik frowns.

A nod is exchanged between the two of them and Wonsik’s palm drops to Taekwoon’s back. He’s very warm. “Ready to go?”

 

Taekwoon stumbles a little bit, but he makes it out of the bar. The moment he stood up, the clarity revolving around just how inebriated he is only intensified. Wonsik had to guide him all the way out. At least out here by the entrance, the strikingly cool and humid air is enough to somewhat energize Wonsik more. The sky isn’t exactly raining, but he feels the moisture, the spitting sensations against his skin. He’s never seen Taekwoon like this and he’s a little worried of what might happen, but overall, he’s just happy to see him, happy that he has someone to be with on a Friday night.

He smiles back at Taekwoon since his steps are slower. He’s laughing, though—maybe at himself, maybe at nothing at all—but Wonsik’s glad he’s at least functioning right now. Taekwoon crouches against the concrete sidewalk, dipping his head into his knees, and Wonsik’s quick to drop beside him. “Hey—hey,” he begins, chuckling since Taekwoon won’t stop. “You need to tell me your address so I can bring you home.”

“That guy—,” Taekwoon gasps, looking up at Wonsik for just one second before he lets his body fall back, sitting down right where he is. “That guy in the window, he… He dropped his plate and it went everywhere!”

Wonsik has a moment where he watches this scene take place, where he can’t stop himself from choking up some laughs right along with him through this ridiculousness, and he wonders how they’re going to get through this one. Dealing with drunk people isn’t something he lacks experience with. Minhyuk used to drink so much and even Jaehwan did a lot in the beginning of them living together, but his bad habits have died down substantially since.  

He’s more curious than anything. Taekwoon carries so many secrecies and answers so few questions. Questions that Wonsik keeps brewing within his mind, letting them fester and multiply, but there’s no way he can force responses out to settle them. Right now, he wants to know why Taekwoon decided to get drunk today—on this so called ‘bad day’. Who is Jinho and how well does he know Taekwoon? What is Taekwoon’s address?

The giggles bubbling out from Taekwoon beside him calm down into smaller sounds and airy breaths. Wonsik stands back up, pacing in a half circle until he’s before Taekwoon again. A raindrop lands on his arm and his hand reaches out as he offers once more, “Let me take you home.”

Taekwoon grasps his hand and it’s an effort to get him back on two feet. But once he does, Taekwoon is pressed to his side, leaning in such a way that he’s depending on Wonsik’s aid to keep him afloat. He’d put his arm around Taekwoon’s waist if he could, but the current hold on his hand doesn’t release to offer him the chance.

People are looking at them now, raising eyebrows and whispering to themselves at the sight. Wonsik’s never been a big fan of all the attention he draws when he’s like this with someone else, but it has never stopped him before. Joonhyun would pull his hand away at times, hit Wonsik’s side so his arm would fall from his back, but it wasn’t too often. He stopped caring long ago.

But that doesn’t mean he likes it, especially when he’s not on the move. “Come on,” he murmurs to Taekwoon and they start walking down the street.

He just wants to make it another block where the roads are quieter and less crowded, but Taekwoon pulls on him, making his steps fumble. He’s fast to catch himself, turning his foot and balancing on his other. Taekwoon twists in front of him, smiling almost senselessly, and he asks the very last thing Wonsik would expect him to request during a moment like this. “Want to dance?”

He blinks for a couple seconds. Once at Taekwoon and a second at the sky. The clouds are dark and gray, but low enough that they appear fluffy and fast moving, releasing glimpses of moonlight sparingly. The hairs on his head pick up the feeling of more drops falling down and he only states, tone soft, “It’s raining.”

“Maybe… Just a drizzle,” Taekwoon manages, bringing his face in a little closer.

His breath is strong, the scent of liquor pours out with each exhale, but Wonsik takes it in. He glances around again, finding it difficult to reject anything Taekwoon wants right now, but still needing to fulfill the overwhelming desire to get them somewhere else. “Okay, but not here.”

Taekwoon releases a small whimper once they move again. Their hands are still holding one another’s tightly as they walk another couple of blocks, a little farther than Wonsik originally intended on taking them. They turn down a set of residential roads. Thinner, quieter, with almost no one in sight. It’s late. The lighting down these streets isn’t as bright, but Taekwoon’s smile is enough to steal his focus from anything else. He leads Taekwoon behind a smaller building and it’s not long before they’re standing together again. Taekwoon’s hand comes up, fingers gently brushing through the hairs that fall just above Wonsik’s ear, but his eyes are looking elsewhere, at his neck, maybe. Yet he jumps, jolts after another raindrop falls against his cheek. Wonsik can’t help but chuckle at his reaction, at how his face scrunches and lashes quickly flutter down. But their eyes meet again within an instant and they’re both giggling, Taekwoon finally pulling their hands apart so he can wrap his arms around Wonsik’s neck.

“I want to dance,” he releases once Wonsik takes hold of his waist.

“Do you dance often?”

“When I’m happy.”

If he was having a bad day and is already feeling like this, there’s no reason to doubt him. “So, you’re happy right now?”

Taekwoon hums a little in response.

Without moving much, Wonsik reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone. He’s looking off to the side, quickly scrolling through his music playlist for something—anything. “Any requests?”

“Don’t care,” Taekwoon draws out with effort, leaning his head down on his collar.

Eventually Wonsik gives up, choosing a song, and then skipping through four more before settling on another one. A ballad—one not too fast or too slow, one with lyrics that are slightly more romantic than he would have hoped for, but he doesn’t think too hard about it. Part of him thinks that’s the last thing Taekwoon is going to be paying attention to.

The song starts playing and he takes a step back to place his phone down on a nearby pillar. Taekwoon’s hands relocate to his shoulders, and it’s easier for him to maneuver his way back into a comfortable position like this.

Dancing is not one of his strong points. His hips just don’t move the way he wants them to. Some of Jaehwan’s friends have made fun of him in the past due to it, but he still gives it a shot whenever he has the opportunity since it’s fun.

They start with small steps, small sways as Wonsik doesn’t intend to do more. He doesn’t want to make Taekwoon sick. But Taekwoon seems to think otherwise. He pulls them apart, feet stumbling, but he manages himself, reaching out for Wonsik’s hand once more.

There’s no hesitance. Taekwoon’s giggling again as he lifts their arms high, as he spins himself back in. Wonsik catches him, holds him there for a bit until Taekwoon twists himself free, and he’s pulled into another direction. The rain is picking up a little more, drop after drop hitting their skin, but they’re not worried.

Two more random songs play and they continue with their jerky movements and sloppy footwork. Taekwoon’s not good at dancing, either. Well, if he is, not while drunk. Wonsik’s aware that they probably look insane to anyone who might witness this, yet he’s not concerned. He’s so immersed within the moment, within the weightless feelings and the unstoppable laughs that are keeping him giddy, that it doesn’t matter.

By the time the sixth song begins playing, Taekwoon’s energy burst fizzles down. Instead of leading, he’s now holding onto Wonsik tightly, tight enough where he’s letting most of his weight lean against him. Their silly hip movements and makeshift attempts at some form of ball dancing fade until they’re back to where they started—small steps and small sways.

Wonsik watches from afar as raindrop after raindrop bounces off the screen of his phone. He guides them back towards it, enough where he can reach his arm out and save it before it drowns. With a quick rub against the material of his pants, he slips the device back within a pocket.

“How are you doing?” His low voice releases after another minute. Taekwoon’s barely picking up his feet anymore and his clothes are beginning to darken from being soaked.

Taekwoon pushes on his shoulders to lift himself up. He’s staring, though, eyes focused on Wonsik’s chest where he just was. His hands run down his shirt, fingers spreading, and Wonsik’s quick to realize how his nice dress shirt is revealing more than he would have imagined due to the water. He wishes he were wearing something more comfortable, that his shoes hopefully won’t get ruined, but Taekwoon doesn’t pull his gaze away.

“Taekwoon,” he calls gently, waiting for the slow reflex, for Taekwoon to look at him again. And it happens faster than he thinks. His face reflects a soft one, tired, with a few strands of hair fallen down in front due to the weight of the rain. He was going to ask more, but he’s completely distracted. His hands come up, cupping around Taekwoon’s jaw, and with a small tilt, he shuts his eyes, carefully pressing their lips together.

Sloppy—that’s how he would describe it. Taekwoon’s teeth graze against his bottom lip with a pull. They don’t stop though, another turn and Wonsik’s backed up to the brick wall of the building.

Taekwoon’s panting heavily through an opened mouth smile when he pulls back a little bit. They weren’t even going for that long, but Taekwoon’s pulse is already fast against Wonsik’s touch. “That was bold,” he comments, eyes piercing into Wonsik’s.

He looks around their surroundings. No one is out in this small alleyway that they chose to dance in. Being close against the building shields them away somewhat from the rain and the outside view, but Wonsik’s not really sure what Taekwoon’s referring to with that. Maybe just their actions in general, he concludes. Taekwoon’s fingers come up and guide his face back so they’re gazing at one another again. Another good look only reminds him that Taekwoon is not all there. His expression is large, but overall very disconcerting. He’s still obviously drunk. Very drunk.

Wonsik places his hands over Taekwoon’s that remain holding his face, curling his fingers around them until he’s got a secure hold. “You need to go home. We need to get out of this rain.”

Taekwoon doesn’t respond immediately, but Wonsik lowers their hands back to their sides before he breaks their hold to reach into his pocket, shutting off the music that has continued to play. He opens up one of the map applications and holds it out towards Taekwoon, of whom is now clearly unhappy.

“I want to make sure you get home safe. Please tell me your address so I can take you there.”

In fact, Taekwoon almost looks devastated just staring at the phone screen. Wonsik’s wondering if his mind is coming back. “I want to stay with you,” he says, quietly, but clearly. Probably the clearest sentence Wonsik has heard him speak all night. But his voice becomes jumbled again when he repeats, “—with you…”

He slowly releases a deep exhale, dropping his phone back into his pocket.

“Alright.”

 

Taekwoon’s rather quiet during their slow walk home. Wonsik wants to get through the rain faster because he’s absolutely freezing, but Taekwoon can only go so quickly like this. Halfway through he stops and Wonsik again waits for him. His focus seems all over the place, but Wonsik heads back towards him, reaching out a hand only for Taekwoon to quickly latch back onto it.

He’s worried. Not so much about Taekwoon, but more so about Jaehwan. It’s not even close to midnight, so he’s somewhat hopeful. Hopeful Jaehwan’s out for the night. The last thing he wants to do is let his roommate see this after all they’ve talked about regarding Taekwoon, after the argument they just had. He doesn’t like the idea of keeping Taekwoon as a secret, but it’s the best he’s got right now.

The bolt within his front door unlocks and he carefully peeks his head in before making any other large movements. All lights are out within the apartment. It’s quiet—very quiet—and Wonsik calls a soft, “Hello?” only for Taekwoon behind him to be the only one to answer.

His heart is beating rapidly, but he feels he has no other option but to continue inside. He slips out of his wet shoes easily, leaning down to rest them in a way that will hopefully dry them without damaging them more. Taekwoon just stands there for a moment, only bending over when Wonsik guides him inside to sit against the floor.

The door shuts behind them and Wonsik leaves Taekwoon by the entrance to look down the hallway. Jaehwan’s bedroom door is wide open with the lights off and Wonsik is able to sigh in relief.

Both of them are chilled and wet, clothes soaked, but not to the point of dripping all over the floor. He picks up Taekwoon’s shoes to stand them up beside his own and they head towards his bedroom. Taekwoon’s laughing again as he sits on the edge of the bed, laying his back down on the mattress.

“What’s so funny now?” Wonsik asks, digging through his closet to grab a handful of wire hangers.

“It’s cold,” Taekwoon responds lightly.

But Wonsik turns back towards him, reaching out for his arm in order to lift his torso back up. “It’s because you’re wet. Here—” He places the hangers down beside Taekwoon and opens one of his drawers to pull out a plain black t-shirt. It’s a little loose on himself, so he thinks it might fit Taekwoon’s shoulders alright. “You can change into this. I’ll hang up what you’re wearing. Oh, and I have shorts as well. Or pants if you’re really cold.”

Taekwoon doesn’t move or say anything more. He just stays and holds the shirt in his hands. Wonsik still feels like he’s in a rush, though, quickly unbuttoning his own as he turns away. He’s very aware of the set of eyes watching his every movement. His shirt gets hung up above his closet and he slips on a gray t-shirt that’s similar to the one he gave Taekwoon.

Taekwoon must have become bored since he lays back against the bed with a thud again. But it works out since Wonsik is able to quickly change his pants into shorts and become a bit dryer like this.

Things finally feel like they’re calming down and Wonsik’s mind is beginning to catch up with everything that has happened tonight. He watches Taekwoon on the mattress out of the corner of his eye as he brushes his teeth in the bathroom. This isn’t a scenario he’s imagined before, but then again those rarely ever become reality. He’s unsure of what’s going to happen now—happen next, even. Yet, he prepares like he always would with anyone else in a situation like this. He moves his garbage can close to his bed and fills up a cup of water from the kitchen.

Taekwoon’s eyes are shut when he returns. He definitely hasn’t sobered up yet nor will he for a while, it seems. It hasn’t even been two hours since they left the bar. The entire apartment reeks of alcohol and he hopes Jaehwan won’t question it too much whenever he returns. Maybe Wonsik can pass it off as himself as the cause, he wonders.

He gently brushes Taekwoon’s arm as he sits beside him on the bed, watching as his eyelids blink open one by one in a very slow, very telling fashion, and says, “Hey, I brought you some water. Please—,” he pauses to emphasize, “—please drink even just a little bit.”

It’s surprising in a way that shouldn’t be. Taekwoon still slumps even when he’s upright again, but his hands drop the t-shirt and take the cup from Wonsik. His sips are small, but Wonsik smiles at the sight and the winning feeling he has within his chest from this one.

He manages to get through half of it before he gestures the cup back towards Wonsik. And Wonsik doesn’t press on it more as he places the remainder on the nightstand for later.

“I’m tired,” Taekwoon murmurs quietly.

“Let’s hang up your clothes and then you can go to sleep.”

Helping Taekwoon out of his clothes reminds him of when he would do this with Minhyuk. Except Minhyuk would scream and fight with him about it. Thankfully, Taekwoon appears too sleepy to do much of anything. It’s easy and he hangs up Taekwoon’s clothes beside his own, placing his phone, wallet, keys, and everything else that was in his pockets on the nightstand for now.  

The shirt fits somewhat—a little long, but it’s okay because Taekwoon refuses any pants even though he repeats again that he’s cold. It all ends with Wonsik shutting the door to his room and heading to bed much earlier than he expected to tonight. Getting Taekwoon to maneuver himself underneath the sheets is a surprisingly quick process and he joins in, letting his arm sling over him as he presses them together.

He can’t see Taekwoon’s face any longer from this position, but Wonsik nuzzles into his damp hair from behind and lets one of his legs rest in between Taekwoon’s. His hope is that the closeness will warm him up and Taekwoon only hums with a slight laugh, turning his face back towards Wonsik’s.

“What?” Wonsik asks, amused once his nose inevitably pokes into Taekwoon’s cheek.

“You should touch me more.”

Of course the thought is nice, but not under these circumstances. “Not now,” he breathes through a light smile. Even he is starting to feel relaxed like this. The idea of finally being able to fall asleep with Taekwoon here is so enticing, causing him to add, “Maybe in the morning if you’re feeling up for it.”

“Why not?” The words are short, but Taekwoon still manages to fumble them a little. He pulls on Wonsik’s hand.

This has Wonsik chuckling, squeezing his fingers into a fist as to not let him win. “Because you drank so much. Will you even remember it?”

“I—won’t forget,” he insists quietly.

He’s being playful, moving his grip to fold his hands up around Wonsik’s forearm. “Yeah? Do you remember your name?”

There’s a pause that has Wonsik snickering, but Taekwoon still confidently speaks. “Jung Taekwoon.”

“Jung?” Wonsik repeats, almost astonished that he was able to get that out of Taekwoon so easily, so unexpectedly.

“Mhm,” he only moans.

Somehow, this gives him a jolt of energy, initiative to keep this game going. “Is that your real name?”

“My mother named me,” Taekwoon releases with a little bit of spunk.

He doesn’t want to dive too deep. It wouldn’t be fair, but he still wants to play a little. “Do you talk with your mother?”

And Taekwoon laughs, rolling his body around so he can lean his face into Wonsik’s neck. “Yes, everyday!”

He rearranges himself, welcoming Taekwoon in and loving every moment of it. They’re even closer than before, Taekwoon’s fingers curl into the material of his shirt, and he’s beginning to feel a growing warmth, a tender change within his emotions. And he continues, “What’s my name?”

This time, there’s no pause out of Taekwoon. “Chanwoo.”

That doesn’t mean Wonsik doesn’t freeze. His entire body tenses at the sound of a name he has never heard before—a name that is immensely far from his own. But Taekwoon is still lax against his side. He’s immediately confused, immediately at a loss, and his voice comes out small as he follows with, “Who’s… Who’s Chanwoo?”

“My boyfriend,” he responds smoothly.

Wonsik feels like his heart is about to stop, but it actually starts beating even faster. Everything awful begins flashing through his mind: every word Jaehwan has spoken about Taekwoon, everything he was afraid of, and everything that has hurt him in the past. “Fuck,” he whispers harshly to himself, letting his head fall back against his pillows. It’s all there, all flooding through him. He can feel it coming, feel the despair before it even hits him—the pain of all his newer efforts catching up with his old. “Really?” Wonsik releases almost roughly. “And is he okay with you sleeping with other men?”

Taekwoon’s too out of it already, too sleepy to even pick up on Wonsik’s breaking tone. “Yeah, he doesn’t…,” he mumbles out openly.

But Wonsik pushes, needing to hear whatever it is Taekwoon’s going to respond with. He isn’t interested in playing a back and forth game with him anymore. “Doesn’t what?”

There’s another moment of silence, another moment where Wonsik loses his patience and gives Taekwoon a little nudge in case he’s drifting off to sleep. “He doesn’t matter…,” he finishes very softly, very emotionlessly.

Wonsik swallows, not sure what to do with that information at this moment. “I’m not Chanwoo,” he finally corrects, needing to make sure Taekwoon is aware before he passes out.

Thankfully, Taekwoon’s quicker this time. “You’re Wonsik.”

He releases a long exhale, lulling his head off to the side, away from Taekwoon’s. “Yeah,” he starts tiredly, grateful Taekwoon now knows that much. “Kim Wonsik.”

Taekwoon shifts in a little closer, letting his warmth clash against Wonsik’s even more as he gets comfortable. Eventually murmuring a final, “The guy who makes… Me feel special.”

That all leaves Wonsik without any more words, without any more drive to continue this conversation right now. And with a quickened heart, he sighs out deeply, letting his arm slide underneath his pillow, and stares off at their clothes hanging to dry off by his closet.

 

 

There’s an on and off buzzing sound that finally breaks through Wonsik’s sleep. He can’t remember when he finally passed out, but knows he was up for a while. His head turns over to see Taekwoon’s back facing him. He’s still here, still sleeping away, and that’s a sight Wonsik hasn’t seen before.

He scoots himself over towards his dresser where his own phone sits, illuminating the screen to find no new messages, and places it back down, noting the time of 7:04 AM. He lies there, truly exhausted, and contemplates closing his eyes again in hopes he’ll go back to sleep. He’s too tired to start thinking again just yet. But the buzzing returns, the vibrations, and he sits up, looking over at his phone once again to see that its screen is darkened. Then he realizes Taekwoon’s phone is on the other side of the bed, on the nightstand, and with a quick glance, it’s obvious where the noise is coming from.

Within another second he’s up on his feet, carefully stepping around until he can make it over to the nightstand. He means to look at the phone, but his eyes catch sight of Taekwoon’s face first and his little concentration is broken. It’s funny, he thinks as he stares, Taekwoon’s strong demeanor shows no signs when he’s asleep like this, face soft and innocent as it’s halfway hidden behind his own curled arms. It’s interesting, then again, Taekwoon has always been interesting.

He finally looks over towards the phone on the nightstand. The screen has gone black, but he knows it’s the source of all the sounds that contributed to waking him up. He’s curious as to who is trying to contact him at this hour. If he had his work in the morning, why would he have gotten himself so drunk? As much as Wonsik wants to know, wants so badly to find answers to his questions, he doesn’t actually touch the phone, vaguely remembering how that was the beginning of the end for his and Joonhyun’s relationship all that time ago. Then again, that wasn’t on purpose. He just happened to see the texts. The situation feels all too similar. He’s about to walk away, but it buzzes again.

He can’t help himself from reacting, glancing towards the sound, from seeing the brightened screen, seeing that there are many notifications, but only catching a few words of the most recent message: _‘…Mom and I can’t unload the truck ourselves…”_

He feels guilty, wrong for seeing that, for already questioning its meaning. So, he turns away, leaving Taekwoon to sleep peacefully as he quietly exits the room. 

 

“Wonsik,” he hears when he leaves the bathroom after a few minutes. Washing his face had woken him up a bit more, but his reflexes are still slow. He peers over towards the kitchen to see Jaehwan standing behind the counter.

“’Morning,” he greets in a somewhat raw voice.

Jaehwan motions him to come over, so he does, slowly, tiredly, and he leans on the cool countertop once he gets there. This is the first time they have spoken to one another in a week. “Please eat some of the leftovers. I’ve moved them to the freezer so they won’t go bad, but my mom supplied me with enough for both of us and it’s an overwhelming amount for me alone. At least just do that. Especially if you’re going to be hungover,” he insists as he gestures a hand out towards Wonsik. 

This isn’t what he thought his first conversation with Jaehwan would be about, in fact, it feels more like a coverup, but at least they’re being civil. Jaehwan seems to feel at least something to say this to him, even if Wonsik isn’t actually the one that’s hungover right now.

“Yeah, I—,” he starts, clearing his throat a little. “I will. Thanks.”

He wishes more words where said, but Jaehwan just continues cooking whatever meal he’s making. There’s no apology, no conversation, nothing else. It’s disappointing and Wonsik’s not really in the mood for it.

 

The awkward atmosphere has him sliding away, heading back towards his room, only to be stopped when the door to his bedroom opens before him, and Taekwoon’s eyes are the widest he’s ever seen them.

“Move—I need to leave,” Taekwoon announces sternly as he slips past Wonsik to rush down the hall. He’s fully dressed already, steps quick but chaotic, and Wonsik doesn’t even have a moment to verbalize anything in response. He only turns back around, following after him as fast as he can.

“Taekwoon,” he grits his teeth, reaching an arm out towards his shoulder in the living room.

But it’s fast, it’s in a clear panic, and Taekwoon’s voice echoes with its harsh volume. “Don’t!”

His hand is forcefully shoved aside, and once he stables, his eyes immediately catch Jaehwan’s, of whom is undoubtedly witnessing this entire event. They stare for a moment, but Wonsik quickly turns his attention back towards Taekwoon who is now by the entrance, hurrying back into his shoes.

He nearly sprints once the front door is opened and Taekwoon walks out without another word, without even looking back. There’s adrenaline releasing throughout his body and he’s not sure why exactly he wants to chase after Taekwoon, but there’s a pull within him to do so, a need. He swipes his keys and lets the door slam behind him as he runs out.

Taekwoon’s already out of sight, but Wonsik knows his building better, knows that the stairs are faster than the elevator. His breaths are quick once he makes it to the empty lobby. The rain from last night has subsided, but the humidity feels thicker than before. He pushes through the front doors, looking towards his right, then to his left, and finally seeing Taekwoon’s form just a little ahead down the sidewalk.

Taekwoon’s condition can’t be good, can’t be easy right now, and Wonsik was able to tell that just from how his legs were taking him through the apartment. He’s definitely hungover and that’s how Wonsik is able to keep up with him.

“Taekwoon,” he yells, loudly, knowing passing cars and buses will drown out his voice. “Taekwoon, hold on!”

“Don’t follow after me!” He doesn’t stop, though, only turning around with frail steps as he shouts.

Wonsik slows into a halt, and somehow, that causes Taekwoon to do the same. They’re staring at one another, panting, and Wonsik’s head feels like it’s spinning. Taekwoon’s obviously heated—not in an angry way—but more in a horrified sense. And that’s what confuses Wonsik the most, what concerns him more than anything.

“Hold on,” he repeats in a calmer tone, taking small steps forward only to notice Taekwoon doing the same backwards. “Just hold on.”

Eventually he catches up, but Taekwoon still keeps some distance. He’s got a hand holding his temple and Wonsik doesn’t even have to question as to why.  

“Let me… God—okay,” he manages through his uneven breaths.

“I already called a cab,” Taekwoon gets out in a softer voice, but still just as direct. “I don’t—”

But Wonsik cuts him off, finally feeling like he can finish his first thought. “Let me help you.”

Because there’s sadness. Sadness from everything that happened last night, from Taekwoon trying to run away before any other questions can be asked, from him pushing himself within the physical state he is in. They finally spent a night together and this is how it ends. Ends with Taekwoon running off, acting in a way Wonsik has never seen him before.

Taekwoon simply shakes his head, taking another step back, and he sees headlights from a silver van slowly pulling up behind him. “No.”

“Why not?” Wonsik can’t stop himself from questioning, from feeling so much, from nearly whimpering.

They gaze at one another once more, both frowning, both seemingly helpless, and Taekwoon merely releases, “I don’t trust you.”

 

 

The front door opens as easily as it shut not even ten minutes ago. Jaehwan’s still in the kitchen, but his attention is brought back to Wonsik the moment he steps out of his shoes. They look at one another, Jaehwan sharing a baffled smile as his arms go up in the air, and Wonsik already has enough.

“Are you going to say something?” He starts with an aggravated groan, immediately getting defensive.

Jaehwan scoffs out through some sort of a snicker, focusing back on the pan sitting on the stove. Just the obnoxious expression on his face is enough to boil Wonsik’s already quickened blood. “I don’t even know anymore, man,” he chuckles in a way that’s far from amusing. “I don’t like that guy at all.”

Wonsik simply glares, feeling a shaking from within his skin as he tries so hard to calm all his chaotic emotions. “You don’t know him.”

And this causes Jaehwan to laugh, to raise his voice and gesture his hands back out. “Neither do you!”

He wants to scream, to explode and smash everything into nothing but husks and dust of its old self, to go up to Jaehwan and punch him square in the jaw. Instead, he hurries down the hallway, growling into low profanities as he returns to his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i mentioned this a little on tumblr, but i want to make sure everyone sees it here as well. i am... absolutely floored by the amount of comments and feedback i have gotten on this story from just the first part alone. like... coming from posting all my stories on tumblr where the only feedback i would get might be some likes and reblogs with some nice tags MAYBE and a few amazing people who would send me messages... this is so much. it's so nice and overwhelming. i would check and have a couple new comments and GASP at the length and the thought people put into them. i really and truly mean i really appreciate it. i love writing and sharing my stories is the best part because i love talking to people about it. also, the people who have reached out to me on twitter???? it's so... ahhhh. thank you so so so much. (my twitter is ravblob if you're interested).
> 
> anyway that aside, this was such a difficult part to write, but it has been done since maybe october hahaha. i'm really glad to release it! i hope you guys enjoy it. sorry it's so long. sorry this entire story is so long.


	3. Chapter 3

Thai born, but Japanese raised. Returning to Thailand when he was only eight years old because his young mother had fallen ill from lingering post-war radiation. She passed away a month later, leaving only he and his father alone. Time moved quickly, though, seasons went as fast as they came, bones grew, and he was an adult, moving away from his father into the heart of Bangkok. He wanted a new life, a good life. He had no money to his name, no possessions, nothing to remind him of his late mother. He fell in love with a woman working in the streets, selling family grown crops during the day before packing it all up for the nighttime. Although never officially married, he insisted they were. _'She's the most wonderful woman I have ever known,'_ he would say in later interviews. Young like his mother, her death came suddenly. A vehicle struck her on her way home one August night and she laid unresponsive.

Fast forward three more years, he became an actor. Noted for his slim figure and striking eyes, he played roles in countless movies all across Thailand and fellow parts of Asia. He hit it big, some would say, but he was alone, unable to move past the loss of his lover. _'I'll never marry again,'_ he exclaimed. Forty years later, though, he went through three marriages in five years with women ranging in ages. It was for his status and wealth they claimed, but friends and close colleagues argued he was simply longing for companionship. He died in his mansion north of the city at the age of seventy-six.

 

 

Wonsik closes the book he’s spent the last four hours reading through. Horribly sad, he thinks, even causing him to shed a couple tears during this man’s worst moments. He hears people talking outside his door and eventually a knock followed by a small woman with tied up black hair slowly stepping in.

“Um, hello,” she says quietly, smiling shyly as she pushes the door behind her, leaving it only open a crack. “Are you coming out with us tonight? It’s been months since we’ve last seen you.”

She’s not wrong. Wonsik has seen her before, can think of a few memories, but he doesn’t remember much else. She’s one of Jaehwan’s friends. Well, most people are. Her lips drop when Wonsik catches her gaze. “Are you crying?”

He sits up quickly, running his knuckles up against his eye before holding out the book he had just finished. “Yeah—sorry—I was just reading this book. It was pretty sad and got to me a little.”

“Ah,” she releases, allowing her natural smile to form once again. “So, are you going to come?”

Wonsik simply shakes his head, breaking their eye contact. Usually it’s Jaehwan who comes in and tries to pry him out of his room, but he must have given up. They still spend some time together, but the amount of words spoken between them has become less and less. “Not tonight… I’m quite tired so I think I’m going to go to bed early.”

She looks around his room a little as if she’s taking her time to process the rejection. “Oh, alright. You’ll have to next time, though.”

He smiles at her forwardness, at the attempt she’s trying to make. “We’ll see. Have a fun time.”

“Thanks. I hope you do, too.”

She leaves as quietly as she came in, allowing the door to close again with a click this time. More conversations go on outside his room and Wonsik quickly hears a clear, “Told you he wouldn’t.”

 

 

It has already been six full months since he had last saw Joonhyun in that bar, a full six months since he had met Taekwoon for the first time. Wonsik swears time feels like it has gone by as quickly as a blink, but he knows that’s not true. The cool weather isn’t going to last for much longer as the winter months are nearly here.

He rolls over on his bed, reaching down to place his completed book on the floor for later, and he simply lays there, listening to the sounds of feet shuffling and the front door closing. Going out was probably the better idea, but he doesn’t regret his decision. The energy just isn’t there.

The past few weeks have been strange. It started with the argument with Jaehwan. Wonsik’s not so much angry anymore—he’s mainly sad. Sad because he still doesn’t understand why Jaehwan would withhold information like that from him for so long. It only makes him wonder about Joonhyun more often again. His on and off desire to call him is contemplated almost daily, but he has held off considering that would only make him look more pitiful in the end. They’ve been broken up for close to nine months now. Reminding himself of that alone leaves a sickening pull within his chest to surface. When is he going to get over this?

It’s just that he misses being in a relationship—having someone beside him that he can go to and lean on. He loved the convenience and feelings, the ease it gave him. Joonhyun, he had thought, was so loyal and there for him. Maybe that’s why he’s left so much damage. Because Wonsik trusted him.

And that reminds him of Taekwoon, of the last words he had left Wonsik with. He sighs just thinking about Taekwoon now. The brooding amount of questions he has for him is overwhelming and draining on their own, yet it shouldn’t matter. There’s a sinking feeling that he’ll never have another opportunity to ask them, that whatever happened that Saturday morning was most likely enough to cut the one and only tie they had together—chance.

His story just doesn’t make sense with the little Wonsik knows. Taekwoon had spoken before that he couldn’t excuse cheating. So, why would he do it? What was so pressing that had him running out in the manner he did? What happened on that day that prompted him to drink himself happy? Did Chanwoo hurt him? Why did he say Chanwoo didn’t matter?

Wonsik runs his hand down his face, staring off at the wall across the room. He trusts too easily.

At least he’s not a liar tonight. He cleans up a few misplaced articles of clothing throughout his room and clears the top of his dresser so he doesn’t need to strain his neck anymore to see the clock. After a quick shower, he’s back in bed, easily glancing at the clock that reads 9:36 PM.

 

 

The morning comes later than expected. He hears the front door shutting and he blinks over at the clock to see it flash 9:05 AM. It’s not uncommon for him to sleep this much, just unexpected. Rustling and footsteps continue to echo throughout his room and he notices a piece of paper on the floor that must have been shoved under his door at some point during the night. ‘ _Sojung is spending the night on the couch. She got… Very drunk again.’_

He opens his door to look around, but the apartment has quieted and he crosses the hall to the bathroom. It almost feels like a normal morning, and in some sense, it still is. With light steps, he makes his way into the living room, only to find out no one is actually there. There’s a folded blanket on the couch, but nothing else. He wonders if she has left already.

“Hey,” he hears from behind him.

“Hey,” Wonsik repeats back, turning around to see Jaehwan’s figure standing in the hallway.

“I just dropped her off. Hope we weren’t too loud last night. She could barely function and it was a disaster,” he explains, walking back over to pick up a canned energy drink from the kitchen counter.

Wonsik watches, shaking his head slightly as his eyes follow Jaehwan around. “No, I didn’t hear anything. If it weren’t for the note, I wouldn’t have even known she was here.”

“I like her and all, but damn, she needs to learn her limits. This happens every time.”

“Maybe don’t invite her next time?” He offers lightly, picking up the blanket to sit on the couch once Jaehwan slumps himself over the adjacent chair.

Jaehwan sighs. “It’s difficult when all her friends know my friends.”

He can’t really relate to that one and it causes a pause that he doesn’t know how to fill, a silence that doesn’t seem to bother either of them, but Jaehwan’s tone changes quickly when he starts up again. “Oh, yeah, right, we saw your guy when we were out last night.”

His mind initially goes to Joonhyun, but he’s still quick with his, “Who?”

“Taekwoon,” Jaehwan states plainly.

There’s another pause, a break, a silence that sends an unnerving jolt through his gut. “Ah—ah…,” he manages, but can’t form any words. He’s not sure what to say to that, if anything at all.

Thankfully, with his gaze falling downward to his own wrinkled pajama shirt, Jaehwan continues. His tone is a little harsh, as if just remembering this still irritates him. “I wasn’t even looking at him, but we kept making eye contact.”

There’s hesitance in Wonsik’s throat. He wants to remain calm, to tiptoe around this, but he can’t. He can’t because just the mention of Taekwoon’s name does this to him. Even with Jaehwan’s obvious annoyance from his appearance last night, Wonsik is still immediately finding regret from deciding to not go out, immediately envious that his roommate was able to run into him. He hates that he feels this way, that Taekwoon holds this constant place in his mind, but he can’t help it. He really can’t. “Did he talk to you?”

Jaehwan only scoffs, giving his hand a single dismissive wave in Wonsik’s direction. “No. And if he did, I would have told him to fuck off. I don’t know—hell, I might have even punched him if he tried.”

“Don’t… Do that,” his tone comes out light, comes out sad. He’s quick to realize the glare that has formed his face, soothing his brows only a mere second before Jaehwan looks at him again.

His stare is strong as well, strong and telling, and it grasps all of Wonsik’s attention back. “I don’t like him, Wonsik. I don’t like what he has done to you and I don’t like that you become blind to it all. I mean, you have been together how many times now? Three—no. Four?” Five, Wonsik corrects within his head. “And after every time you just… Fuck, I feel like he’s stealing pieces of you or something because you just seem so different. Like, this is so unlike how you’ve acted in the past. When I met you, you were sad a lot from Minhyuk. When Joonhyun left, you also just cried a lot. With this guy… You just seem… Distant and strange. And I know I can’t stop you from doing whatever you guys do together, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hate seeing it. You deserve so much better and that’s what pisses me off. It’s like… He’s only aiding in your self-destruction and you were doing so well before this asshole showed up.”

Wonsik frowns immensely after processing those last few notes. He almost wants to protest. To fight back, but he doesn’t really have anything to use as a defense. Jaehwan’s been right since day one.

And as he goes on, Wonsik knows there’s nothing he can do to disprove that claim. “I’m saying this again because last night he was being his grossly flirtatious self with another man. Just a random dude who came in far after he did.”

“Did he leave with anyone?” His voice comes out small.

But Jaehwan only shrugs, sparing the shortest lasting glance. “I don’t know. We left first.”

“Oh,” he releases lightly.

There’s a large slap sound as Jaehwan’s hand catches his own forehead. Wonsik expects Jaehwan to yell, to lash out and fight him, but he doesn’t. “That’s not the point, Wonsik,” he merely whispers.

“I know,” he mimics the tone.

“He basically pushed you aside right in front of my eyes.”

“He was in a hurry,” Wonsik quickly blurts out.

But this doesn’t seem to affect Jaehwan. He’s still harsh, still unmoving. “Why was he in such a hurry?”

“I don’t know…”

“Of course you don’t know,” his roommate sighs, rearranging his legs so he can slide himself off the chair, and Wonsik gets the idea that Jaehwan’s done with this conversation.

Yet, that doesn’t stop him from forcing it to continue, from having a small panic from the sight of Jaehwan walking away from him again, from leaving him so quickly after they haven’t spoken this much in so long now. “He just seemed really stressed over something. I really wish he would have told me so I could have helped him.”

This only causes Jaehwan to pause at the entrance to the hallway where he first called for Wonsik’s attention this morning. They stare at each other, frown at one another, and Jaehwan states firmly, “You can’t help people who don’t help themselves.”

 

 

It’s still weird, Wonsik thinks, how within a city with thousands of people, he somehow managed to run into Taekwoon five times within six months. Part of him wants to believe that it’s all been fate, but not even he can laugh at that joke. He barely even runs into old college friends anymore. Most people he once knew went onto their own path in life. And that’s okay because it happens to everyone. Even Jaehwan has lost people as time has gone on. Nothing is strange when he notes that he sees his coworkers more than anyone else in any given week. He does his work and goes home. Well, he still goes out from time to time in the evenings. Jaehwan likes to cook, but Wonsik never expects him to make him dinner every night nor does he do that often. Even less now that they have had their argument roughly two months ago. He’ll pick up something easy and warm since the coldness of the nighttime isn’t always soothed by the light jacket he picks out to wear to work in the morning.

There are nights where he’ll walk around, watch people, and let his mind daze away. He’s just sort of there. Just like how his numbness is always sort of there. Because he doesn’t feel much these days. Weeks have gone by and nothing really has changed within his life.

He and Jaehwan have been calm for the time being. Jaehwan’s never going to apologize and Wonsik’s too numbed at this point to feel much about it anymore. He’s still a little upset—unhappy because there’s now a noticeable gash in their relationship that he’s not sure will ever go away, but there isn’t really anything he can do about it. They definitely aren’t as close as they used to be and… That just has to be okay as well.

Earlier in the week he had caught Jaehwan before he was about to go out. Only because Wonsik had asked did he begin naming people in the group he was going to be with for the event. And it prompted Wonsik to suddenly follow up with, “Do you know of a guy named Chanwoo?”

“Uh, I don’t think so. Why?”

“Just wondering,” Wonsik responded softly, slightly surprised when Jaehwan only sent him a look, but not questioning further.

The only other person he thinks he can ask about Chanwoo would be Jinho since he seemed to know something—at least more than Wonsik—but he shouldn’t because it’s not his place to and Jinho made it clear that Taekwoon’s story isn’t his to tell. Either way, he hasn’t been back to Jinho’s bar since.

Again, none of this should matter. Wonsik knows it’s over and he needs to move on whether he wants to or not. Taekwoon is part of his past and he has to accept that he won’t ever know what happened on that night. It will remain as another mystery just like he was left with when he and Joonhyun broke up. But thinking about that reminds him that he did eventually figure out a hint as to what led to his and Joonhyun’s end, even if it was many months later during an unpleasant conversation.

 

He’s alone again the next Saturday night. Jaehwan’s out somewhere in this city with some random group of people and Wonsik’s not surprised that none of the details were shared with him. If it weren’t for the library being closed at this hour, he might not have gotten the idea to go out, to stray away from his usual spots, but he is. Sitting by himself at the bus terminal.

Desperation isn’t exactly what he’s feeling. He’d describe it more as loneliness if someone were to ask, but no one does. Never has he gone out alone like this, but maybe it’s his pride that wouldn’t allow him to ask Jaehwan to accompany him. Or maybe it’s more that he just didn’t want him to.

It’s the same familiar bar he went to last time when he got the four numbers. There’s some sort of relief that fills him as he enters, seeing the same setting with all new faces, and knowing the chances of Taekwoon or Joonhyun being here are slim to none. If he was able to find four men interested in him last time, he has a speck of hope that he can find at least one this time. Then again, that’s all based on confidence, and his is quite low right now.

He should be eager to be where he’s at, should feel a rush, an excitement—lust and desire for new people and opportunities, but he doesn’t. He’s feeling quite pathetic, actually. Sipping at a cheap beer at his table for one. There are a lot of people around, conversations filled with laughter and joy, some even dancing in the main area, but he’s quiet, still, almost wanting to just go back home.

But he knows he’s stronger than that—he has to be. This is a place where luck has been by his side before. He looks over, finding the spot where he first approached Hanyeol all those months ago and takes in a deep breath.

More long minutes pass and he notices another boy sitting alone a few tables down who somewhat piques his interest, but he becomes instantly hesitant. It’s possible the man is waiting for someone else or that he’s simply not interested in anyone around, but Wonsik decides to push himself, to take the chance since that’s the only reason why he’s here. With a large sip of his drink pushed down through a hard swallow, he’s up.

“Hey, um—” Wonsik starts slowly as he steps up to the other table.

With just a glance, though, the man already wears a smile that makes up his welcoming expression. “Hello.”

 

Kiyoung is his name, and somehow, it’s revitalizing to Wonsik as the syllables pass through his lips. He’s short like Joonhyun, but their faces are nothing alike. He has a small nose and a more angled jaw, thick rimmed glasses that frame his features nicely. He doesn’t resemble Taekwoon much at all except for the length of his hair, and Wonsik’s more relieved about that.

He’s nice, Wonsik notices as he offers to pay for more drinks even when Wonsik was the one to approach him first. His smile is pretty as well. Actually, the more Wonsik looks at him, the more good-looking he’s noticing Kiyoung is.

And that causes a rush, some sort of feelings to surge, and for Wonsik to allow himself to relax a little bit. They talk a lot. Introductions mainly, but it feels normal for this type of interaction. Kiyoung’s only a year younger than him and he’s still a student studying biological science. His family is from the southern coast, but he has moved out here alone to focus on his education and personal growth.

Wonsik’s absolutely enthralled. He’s ecstatic from just listening to Kiyoung talk, from his questions being answered and so quickly, too. Kiyoung’s nodding along when he opens himself up, eyes curving behind the lenses of his glasses, and Wonsik’s feeling something.

They’re laughing a lot. Both of them. Drinks come and go, but Wonsik’s watching himself. The alcohol is definitely helping and Kiyoung’s energy doesn’t seem to be fading. He didn’t think he’d be spending so much time with just one person tonight, but he’s enjoying himself. This is so… Nice. Not being alone—is nice. Being social like this—is nice. And Wonsik feels jittery, yet weightless, almost.

The bar is becoming more crowded as the night goes on. At first it wasn’t too noticeable, but the volume of the place is distracting from Kiyoung’s lighter tone. They gaze at one another, eyes glossy with intent, and Kiyoung leans over the table to ask, “Want to get out of here?”

 

Winter is truly coming along, or at least, it sure feels like it. He should have worn a heavier coat, but it’s far too late to think about that right now. He and Kiyoung are simply standing outside of the bar, unsure of what is to come next.

“Do you live around here?” Kiyoung asks him, shivering slightly as he looks down to zip up his jacket.

“Not really,” he replies, shoving his hands into his pockets for warmth. “I’m about an hour and a half away by bus.”

“Ah,” Kiyoung breathes out, creating a short-lasting puff within the air. “What brings you out here?”

So, Wonsik explains briefly as they walk together towards a few shops that are still open at this time of night. “I seem to have better luck here.”

“Mm,” he hums, obviously understanding. “Most people do rather than in the suburbs. Back where I grew up, I didn’t know anyone else like me.”

Their easy conversations continue. Lanterns light up the narrow streets as they make their way down a busy road. Wonsik’s been here only once or twice before, but it’s nice being with someone who knows the area well. Scents of street food being cooked fills the air, somehow making Wonsik feel warmer and content.

An hour must have gone by before Kiyoung stops in front of him, appearing slightly flustered, but still holding a soft smile on his face. “My apartment is just down this block. Would you… Like to go back with me? It’s very cold—I can make us some tea.”

Wonsik holds in his large inhale for a second longer than he means to, but he still gives a nod before fully committing. “Yeah, sure.”

 

His heart is racing due to the unknowns, the uneasy feelings, the possible mistakes he might make. Kiyoung says they’re going for tea, but more has to be implied, right? It’s difficult because he’s nervous, yet he tries his best to push out the negative thoughts. Nothing had happened during the night to deter him from pursuing Kiyoung. He just doesn’t want this to be like what he had with Taekwoon. He doesn’t want this to be some sort of a one night stand.

“My roommate will probably be home. Don’t worry about him, though. He’s really cool,” Kiyoung notes and Wonsik tries so hard to not let himself frown. He’s used to dating with roommates around, but that’s only with Jaehwan, not this random person he doesn’t know. It only makes him hope that he’s not home, that he and Kiyoung can simply be alone and leave out the awkwardness of another person there.

But that’s not the case. Kiyoung cracks open the door and already there’s another tall man standing in the dining room area. Wonsik forces a smile, feeling extremely out of place, and merely follows along in yet another unfamiliar home.

“Hello,” Wonsik speaks quietly to the other man, but there is only an acknowledging nod before he exits down the hall and disappears.

He turns towards Kiyoung with a baffled look, hoping that maybe he’d be able to provide some sort of an explanation to his roommate’s behavior, but there’s only a small smile. They move past it quickly even though Wonsik doesn’t know exactly what to think of the situation. First impressions are big, and that interaction being odd is all he can conclude.

Kiyoung does in fact make them tea. The water boils on the stove until there is a whistle and Wonsik waits patiently at the small dining table. None of that seems to matter in the end. The tea is far too hot and Kiyoung is already inviting him into his room, giving Wonsik a clearer idea of what is about to happen.

Out of all the bedrooms he has visited recently, this one is by far the most filled. Shelves are overflowing with books and cords, but none of it looks all that messy. There’s a television hanging from the wall and leafy plants in the window. Their mugs are placed upon tattered magazines that cover the glass bedside table, and Kiyoung’s face moves in towards his own. His smile causes Wonsik to form his own as they step around each other, hands cautiously gripping into secure holds on one another’s waists, and the content feelings Wonsik was going through back outside of the bar are bubbling once again. Yet, he’s not sure if any of this is a good thing.

Because he’s rushing into things again. They’re kissing and Kiyoung is already moaning against him. His mind is distracted and worried, scared of what the outcome of this might turn into. And he can’t stop, he can’t tear his mind away from the possibilities. Is this going to be another one night stand? Will he be able to handle it? Should he be trusting Kiyoung like this?

His body is heated, Kiyoung’s kisses are intense and lustful. Glasses are placed aside, jackets unzipped, and tops removed. There’s a faint citrusy scent that follows wherever Kiyoung goes. Against Wonsik, down within the bedsheets, or in the air they now share. His emotions are stable as they start. There’s no deeper connection between them other than shared interests, but he’s hoping this experience will open up more, create some sort of a bond that he can latch onto.

Pleasure is consuming him right now, but that’s not surprising. He has someone touching him, someone purposely trying to elicit that from him, and it’s working. There’s sweat and quick movements, a heightened pulse that rings and rings. His mind blanks as his eyes shut, rolling them over once again, and hearing Kiyoung release even more loud whines.

Almost annoyingly loud, knowing there’s another person within the apartment, but Wonsik tries not to think about that, to think about anything else right now. He leans himself back down, shutting Kiyoung up with his own lips, and muffling all noises down into softer whimpers. Being like this reminds him how much he enjoys this kind of intimacy, how he hasn’t done much of this with Kiyoung yet because there aren’t any established feelings. It’s small, it’s something, and he takes the opportunity to see what can grow, develop, cause them to connect. His pace fumbles as his hands glide over Kiyoung’s skin, up and up, reaching his neck, and curling through his hair.

But this is where he stops, pulls his lips back. Where all his efforts come to a sudden halt, a drop, a realization, and his eyes open immediately. It’s only a split second in reality. Kiyoung’s glossy gaze looks at him with desperation and need, and Wonsik forcibly shakes himself back into focus. But it’s hard, it’s not the same, and his hands tremble slightly as he removes them from Kiyoung’s hair. Hair that feels all too similar to Taekwoon’s.

 

His hand flexes off to the side as he stares at it, as he bends his fingers back in one by one until he’s left with a fist. Kiyoung had gone off from his bedroom, but returns after a few moments. He’s wrapped in a soft black robe and Wonsik’s not sure how to feel about him walking out in that immediately after sex when someone else is in the house, but it’s not something he ponders on for long. Kiyoung quickly slides back into bed with him.

“I don’t think the buses are running anymore… I don’t mind if you spend the night,” he chimes through a smile. In fact, his skin is glowing and face still colored, and Wonsik finds comfort in that.

“Is your roommate okay with it?” Wonsik questions, slightly on edge.

But Kiyoung’s expression doesn’t change too much, only becoming a little bit softer, and he replies smoothly, “He is. And I already told you not to worry about him.”

 

 

Kiyoung’s light snoring echoes throughout as he lays there. The sun is already up, strongly beaming in through the shut blinds, but Wonsik feels confined to the bed since he’s not comfortable within this unfamiliar apartment just yet. His phone sits by the cooled tea mugs and he decides to look at that to pass the time. In the past, if he didn’t return home by morning, Jaehwan would send him some texts to make sure he was okay, but there’s nothing. He almost wonders if Jaehwan even noticed he never came back.

At some point, Kiyoung rolls over, facing Wonsik this time. He doesn’t mean to stare, but he can’t help it. Kiyoung is attractive, that’s not something he can deny, and last night they had sex. During which, Wonsik thought of Taekwoon. Not even Joonhyun. Just Taekwoon.

If there was a connection made between the two of them, it definitely wasn’t clear enough for Wonsik to feel. And that’s frustrating to conclude. Things were going so well back in the bar that he had gotten his hopes up. He really enjoyed the time they spent together, but he’s already having regrets. Has he learned nothing from what happened with Hanyeol?

Jaehwan’s right, he reminds himself yet again. He’s definitely not the same person he used to be. He hasn’t been the same since the moment he found out about Joonhyun’s unfaithfulness. Jaehwan tried to help him return to his old state of mind, he really did, but maybe it was a lost cause after all. It might not even be possible to go back anymore. He also may not want to return to his old self anymore. Meeting Taekwoon sure hasn’t helped, but he has definitely left an impact on him—whether that be good or bad is still unknown, but… He remains within Wonsik’s mind.

 

“I’m so sorry I slept so much. I had an exam earlier this week and I was running on like four hours,” Kiyoung explains as he frantically changes into some lounge clothes. “Would you like to get some coffee or something?”

“It’s no problem—I kind of needed the rest, too. And coffee sounds great.”

 

Putting back on his dirtied clothes isn’t the greatest feeling. His eyes blink slowly as he hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep last night, but there’s not much he can do about it right now. He only leaves the bedroom once Kiyoung does and immediately catches the other man walking around in the kitchen.

“We’re going to get coffee. Do you want me to bring you back anything?” Kiyoung swings himself against the refrigerator and asks his roommate in a cheery tone.

Yet, the roommate isn’t responsive to it. “No thanks,” he says plainly, almost frustratingly.

Kiyoung shrugs, turning back to grin brightly at Wonsik. “Let’s go.”

 

The morning sun tricks him into thinking the weather is warmer outside than it really is. Their walk is short and they soon make their way into a small café just a few buildings down and up two flights of stairs. “I come here all the time. Their coffee is insanely good,” Kiyoung chimes.

He must be a morning person. “Sorry, I’m—I’m kind of slow to wake up in the morning,” Wonsik explains to break some of their quiet pauses. He doesn’t mean to—he just doesn’t have much to say. They’re simply waiting for their names to be called and then they intend to sit for some time. Wonsik hopes the atmosphere will be similar to when they were at the bar last night. If nothing else, at least they are alone.

“Don’t worry about it. Myungjae is like that, too.”

“Myungjae?”

“My roommate,” he clarifies, softening his smile.

 

They have small, short conversations that don’t really go anywhere. Kiyoung’s trying, and he appreciates that, but Wonsik feels overrun by exhaustion. So, after only a half an hour, he’s ready to go, to part ways, at least for right now, for his own sake. He’s straightforward with a lie. Stating he needs to get home so he can help Jaehwan with something small and Kiyoung is quick to believe him. He doesn’t mean to lie, but he needs some sort of an easy out. Kiyoung still takes his phone, still puts his number in it, and Wonsik finally returns a real smile for the first time this morning. They walk together to the bus terminal and Kiyoung hugs him quickly before parting, making it known he plans on messaging Wonsik again later in the day.

And Wonsik’s feeling something again as he stares out of the window in the bus, thankful to Kiyoung, and thankful he can put to rest his bad thoughts. He has Kiyoung’s number. He wants to see him again. This is real.

 

 

Jaehwan says nothing but a quick “hey” when they pass each other in the hallway and Wonsik replies back with the same thing before closing himself within his room. Part of him wants to tell Jaehwan about what he’s been doing, but if he’s not interested, then what’s the point? Actually, he’d rather tell Taekwoon, and that’s a strange feeling to him. So, Wonsik stops himself from thinking about him and lays down on his bed, shutting his eyes for a moment, and then opening them again to focus on his phone screen, on texting Kiyoung.

 

They message each other throughout the next week. Kiyoung calls him a couple of times, but they mainly resort to texting since they’re both rather busy. Wonsik doesn’t like the distance, doesn’t like that Kiyoung is so far away. In reality, he’s not, but on a weekday after work, it would be difficult to travel to him. So, plans are made for the following weekend and his wavering hope is slowly trickling back, leaving him to feel some odd form of excitement.

 

He reads another book during his bus ride back towards Kiyoung’s university and that helps to pass the time quicker than he expects. It’s shortly after noon when he arrives and he can’t help but smile when he sees Kiyoung all bundled up and waiting for him at the terminal. He purposely made sure their plans were during the day and on a Sunday as well. This is a date. Their first real date, he thinks, and he doesn’t want to sleep over, doesn’t want their night to end with the two of them back in bed together.

Their start has been different, but he still wants to move forward with dating how he normally would. Wonsik still doesn’t feel much for Kiyoung, but he’s aware those don’t always appear initially. He knows he enjoys talking with him and being out with him, so he focuses on those aspects more, thinking that feelings will eventually come with time, and repeating to himself that the immediate strong feelings he had for Taekwoon weren’t normal, weren’t real. It took time with Minhyuk and even a little bit longer with Joonhyun. He got in over his head with Taekwoon—crazed—and he still can’t explain all of it, still wishes he could understand more.

But he’s doing it again, thinking about Taekwoon when he’s out with someone else. Kiyoung asks if he’s okay with a hint of a frown and that’s enough to make him snap out of it. Kiyoung takes him around town. Wonsik wonders if he planned any of this out prior, but he really doesn’t mind. He’s having fun. Kiyoung is very youthful and playful. He’s mainly the one talking, complaining to Wonsik about his studies, but he’s laughing alongside him.

“It sounds like you’re doing fine. You’ll get through it,” he encourages, sending Kiyoung a gentle smile. Somehow, talking about schooling is making Wonsik feel older than he really is.

“I know. I only have three more semesters left… It’s just so tiring.”

“Yeah, I can understand that.”

Wonsik finds it all interesting as they continue their walk to a specific Chinese food restaurant Kiyoung insists on taking him to. He likes how he is being shown personal day to day activities and sights Kiyoung goes through. He has pointed out places he likes to study, specific academia buildings his classes are held at, and food establishments he enjoys with friends and peers. Maybe dating someone outside of his hometown is a good idea. This all feels so new.

They share a rather large beef dish. The food’s nothing special, but spending the time with Kiyoung sort of feels like it could grow to be. He’s content again, satisfied, and they both just continue talking in between bites. It’s only when Kiyoung’s ringtone keeps going off that they both lose momentum. He’s courteous, silencing his phone quickly, and apologizing after each time.

Yet, it doesn’t stop and Wonsik frowns slightly after the fourth buzz against the table. “Everything okay? You can answer if you need to.”

Hesitancy radiates from Kiyoung’s features as they share a look. Wonsik’s brows go up with a slight tilt of his head and Kiyoung finally stands up. It’s a quick thirty seconds that he’s left alone, but he sits there waiting, not even eating anymore, and slightly worried about what might be happening. He hopes everything is okay. It’s not common for someone to call multiple times in a row unless there is something wrong. And Kiyoung’s almost petrified expression doesn’t help as he takes his seat across the table again, quickly sliding the phone into one of his coat pockets.

“I’m really sorry about that. It was just my roommate,” he exhales slowly, avoiding Wonsik’s concerned gaze. Wonsik’s about to follow up, but Kiyoung continues on quickly. “Everything is fine. He knows I’m out with you and he’s just… Very protective.”

“Ah,” is all Wonsik can release. He’s not sure what to say, but his jaw has already fallen slightly before thoughts could have been formed.

“I told him things are good, though,” he chirps, smiling through his words in a way that appears uncomfortably forced. “He shouldn’t call again. I’m going to talk with him later.”

“Oh… Okay.”

 

There’s a small art festival being held at the university that Kiyoung takes him to. An event like this wouldn’t be Wonsik’s first choice since there’s not a lot of conversations going on between the two of them, but he’s feeling alright knowing at least Kiyoung is enjoying himself. He’s getting enthusiastic over sculptures and smaller crafts and Wonsik can’t help but find his reactions towards his passions endearing.

“I really like art, but I’m not good at it,” he whispers over to Wonsik as they stop to examine a more modern piece. Wonsik thinks it looks more like a bunch of squares glued together, but Kiyoung seems to be seeing something completely different.

By the end of the exhibition, both of them get into it more. They’re cracking jokes and playing guessing games. They’re laughing and standing closer to one another than they have previously when out. Wonsik’s surprised, yet happy. He’s enjoying this much more than he initially thought he would and he’s finding Kiyoung’s company through this to be more than worth it. Going to a gallery like this isn’t something he’d do on his own, but with Kiyoung, he thinks he would do it again. And that means something to him.

This realization only excites him, only causes a grin to take over his face as he smiles down at Kiyoung’s mirrored expression. And he reaches out towards him, towards his hand, gently curving his fingers around Kiyoung’s, and squeezing slightly only because he wants to, only because it feels right to.

But apparently, it’s not. Kiyoung’s smile drops drastically, pulling his hand away, and immediately looks around as he takes a step backwards.

“Sorry, I’m not—,” Kiyoung starts softly as his widened eyes slowly return back to normal.

But Wonsik is quick to lean in, to move against his discomfort, to hopefully make this all better. “No, it’s—I’m sorry,” he says slowly, attempting to not sound too hectic. “It’s just… An old habit of mine.”

Kiyoung nods up at him, lips curving into the smallest smile momentarily, but then it’s gone. “Yeah, I—I don’t like that kind of stuff in public.”

“I’m really sorry,” Wonsik repeats, tone low and apologetic.

Thankfully, Kiyoung’s expression brightens again following that and Wonsik’s heartbeat finally reacts, finally picks up. “It’s okay.”

He’s able to calm down quickly once knowing Kiyoung isn’t upset with him. The moment has left him a bit jumbled within his own thoughts. Kiyoung will be telling him something, but he won’t remember it even a second later. This feeling lasts for a while until he’s hit with a sudden chill, a sudden realization that it’s already late, that the day has already gone by. They don’t have time to stop for a formal dinner, so they decide on a few pieces of street food to share as snacks. The tastes and warmth fill Wonsik back up with specks of energy and he feels something when they’re eating as he smiles at Kiyoung, only for Kiyoung to return it just as enthusiastically.

“Are you sure you can’t stay?” Kiyoung asks softly as they make their way back to the bus terminal.

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I have to be up for work tomorrow morning,” he returns solemnly towards Kiyoung’s saddened expression. “I’ll call you when I get home, though.”

That seems to work. He wants to give Kiyoung a kiss to say goodbye, but he leaves it at a quick hug just like last time and they part ways for the night.

 

 

Their next date comes a week later. Purposefully on another Sunday. This time it’s Wonsik who waits patiently at the bus terminal as Kiyoung is on his way to see him. He hasn’t thought of much to plan, but he’s thankful they have a shorter amount of time to work with this week. Kiyoung is arriving in time for dinner, so they’ll do that. He knows of a nice restaurant he’s been to with Jaehwan before that’s good and assumes they’ll just go from there to see where the night takes them.

For some reason, he feels a bit jaded. Jaehwan left for the weekend again and he’s spent most of the week alone. He realizes he should be excited for Kiyoung to visit him this time, but he almost feels like he’s forcing himself to care. It’s not that he doesn’t like Kiyoung, he does, it’s just that he doesn’t remember having such a difficult time with his wavering emotions like this during dates before. He doesn’t want to give up just yet, doesn’t want to accept the obvious numbness that is still consuming him, still affecting him during their times apart.

Kiyoung steps off the bus with a large grin and already Wonsik is able to relax with a heated sigh. There’s a warm hug shared between the two of them and as they break, Wonsik makes note not to hold onto Kiyoung’s back for too long after, even when he wants to.

The restaurant isn’t far from the station and Wonsik’s thankful for that. It’s an exceptionally cold night. One of the first of its kind this season. He’s layered appropriately this time, warming up slowly with his strides, and they walk together. Kiyoung’s extremely eager, very notably happy to see Wonsik again after another week, and that causes his lips to curl slightly. There it is again—the feeling that’s becoming normal with Kiyoung—contentment.

He had prepared for this, not having any lunch, and the hunger is catching up to him quickly. He wants to order everything on the menu, but allows Kiyoung to pick whatever he wants. It’s a large chicken and pasta dish. Kiyoung is slow with his bites as he talks about his week. Studying and exams and after school activities that take up the largest portion of his time. He listens well, knowing he doesn’t have much to share back in return. His week was normal. He went to work and came home. It’s actually sadder when he thinks about it like that. When Kiyoung asks, he simply goes with, “Nothing really interesting happened.”

Once the talking slows, Wonsik focuses on finishing every last noodle. Kiyoung laughs when the large plate in between them becomes bare and Wonsik smiles in return, placing his hand over his stomach to make Kiyoung giggle a little more. He’s a bit too full for dessert, but they still order a piece of cake since Kiyoung mentioned it twice already. The new plate and small forks are placed in front of him and he gazes across the table at Kiyoung to gesture him to try first.

But Kiyoung’s looking down and off to the side and Wonsik pauses before finally calling his name. “Kiyoung?”

“Yeah,” he speaks quickly, locking his widened eyes with Wonsik’s momentarily before glancing back down. “I’m sorry. It’s—”

Wonsik angles his neck up a little bit to see Kiyoung holding his phone just underneath the table. “Um,” he starts, but doesn’t have the chance to finish.

“—I already talked to him about this. I’m sorry, I have to answer or he’ll freak out,” Kiyoung explains briefly, standing up once again, and leaving Wonsik alone at a restaurant table for the second time.

A minute passes and Wonsik finds it strange that he’s not that affected by this. He already assumes who Kiyoung is talking to, but still finds the whole ordeal to be questionable. Maybe it wouldn’t be so weird if he and Kiyoung’s roommate had a proper introduction to begin with. Then again, maybe he’s wrong.

Kiyoung plops himself back in his chair with an aggravated groan. He finishes his sigh, blinking back up at Wonsik with the beginning of a smile. “Roommate.”

“Ah,” Wonsik releases. “Everything okay?”

“Yes.”

They move on, it seems, and Kiyoung eats most of the cake himself. Wonsik folds his hands together in his lap as he gazes off to the side. He thinks he should be more concerned over this roommate of Kiyoung’s, but he’s not. He wonders if Kiyoung is waiting for him to ask, though. So, he’s blunt with his question, “Does he think I’m a bad guy?”

Kiyoung shakes his head a few times, pausing to fix his glasses. There’s the hesitancy in his tone again, almost unnerving pauses that don’t fully seem necessary. “No… He’s—like this with every guy I date. Don’t take it personally.”

“But… Why?” Maybe he’s asking too much or maybe it’s intrusive, but if this continues, he knows the small bother will probably grow into something bigger.

Kiyoung breathes out a long exhale, putting his fork down to rest against the edge of the plate. “We became very close a few years back and started to live together because of it. He’s seen me date a couple of guys and he’s never been happy with any of my choices. Not that I’ve listened to him, obviously.”

“Oh, okay,” Wonsik says in return even though Kiyoung’s words never really presented an answer. “Did something happen?”

There’s a drawn pause, but eventually Kiyoung continues. “Nothing major. Our relationship has pretty much stayed the same throughout the years. We’ve stuck together through mutual friend drama, hooked up here and there, and just got really close.”

He smiles up softly at Wonsik, but then it fades almost immediately. Because Wonsik’s staring strongly at him, wondering how he could say something like that so casually on a date, and it only causes Kiyoung to lean slightly over the table.

“He’s straight. There’s nothing to worry about with him. He’s protective because he wants me to find someone wonderful. I don’t always listen to him,” he clarifies, but none of it sits well in Wonsik’s stomach. “If I did, I wouldn’t be so upset with him right now and I wouldn’t be here with you.”

He guesses that’s a better response, assuming this is just another part of Kiyoung’s story that he has to learn, yet he’s uncertain about it. His internal alarms are going off, but he’s wondering if by Kiyoung being so initially upfront about it, it won’t be such a big deal in the long run. Then again, he’s not sure if Kiyoung would have told him any of this if he hadn’t asked.  

They leave the restaurant soon after. Kiyoung wants to see Wonsik’s apartment, but he’s able to talk them out of it due to the dwindling time. Jaehwan could be home by now and he doesn’t want to deal with him at the moment. He also wants to send Kiyoung home before it gets too late. He still has classes on Monday and Wonsik has work.

They agree to stop at a bar on the way back towards the bus terminal to relax a little until parting ways. Wonsik’s still put off from their conversation back at the restaurant and hopes that talking about other things might drown all the unease out. He hasn’t been to this particular bar in quite a long time now. It’s out of the way from where he and Jaehwan typically stay close to, but it looks exactly the same as he remembers. There’s a cool vibe, neon lights and century old photographs scattered throughout the walls, and with enough people to fill the place without being too crowded.

They settle on a table closer towards the center, away from the front doors which draft in the frigid air whenever they open and close. Kiyoung’s grin isn’t as big as before, but it’s still somewhat there. He’s wondering if Kiyoung’s stuck on the topic of his roommate in the same way Wonsik is. Yet, neither of them bring him back up. They order drinks and Wonsik leans back within the older wooden chair.

“What are your plans for this week?” Kiyoung asks simply, seemingly starting over.

They’re getting into generic conversations again. Wonsik doesn’t really mind, he can make his way through all kinds of small talk normally, but he is also truly realizing that he and Kiyoung really don’t have all that much in common. The drinks help even though he’s limiting himself. He’s almost too full to keep drinking and he almost doesn’t even want to at all.

He can tell by the small fidgets Kiyoung is occupying himself with that something is drastically different. This outing together at the bar feels far from the fun and exciting time they had the first time they met those couple of weeks ago. Wonsik’s losing his drive. Sipping on a beer is the only thing that’s keeping his attention. The atmosphere isn’t completely awkward since they’re both talking, but none if it is interesting enough for him. He just keeps asking Kiyoung questions about school, family, experiences, anything. And while Kiyoung’s following along, responding to all of those, Wonsik’s gaze drifts off.

At first, he’s staring at the display of fancy alcohol and liquors lined up behind the bar counter and then he’s focusing on some random girl across the way who’s raking her fingers through presumably her boyfriend’s hair. He flicks his wrist to check the time, relaying it to Kiyoung as a reminder that they should probably leave once they finish their current glasses. And Kiyoung agrees even though there’s a glint of doubt within his gaze. Wonsik hopes he didn’t have any other expectations for the night, but he probably did.

He remains rather quiet as Kiyoung finishes a story about his younger brother’s recent birthday party and he waits for their check. The waitress is cheery with her ‘thank you’ and Wonsik glances back up to return a smile. She steps off to the left towards the next table and Wonsik immediately notices another set of eyes on him from across the bar.

He can only stare as his reflexes catch up. His pulse already surges, jaw going slack, and he’s unable to move, unable to fully process what he’s looking at. But he knows. He knows those eyes. Surprised and widened, holding the natural curve, and shadowed over by dark hair draping from above.

His eyelids blink a few times, lowering his gaze slightly only to pick it back up, only for the same eyes to still be locked on him. And Wonsik feels frozen in this moment. Because it’s a look that’s meant to pull him in. A look of desire, a look of sadness. He fights against himself to turn away, but even with every small glance, he still catches glimpses of the same look.

“Wonsik,” Kiyoung calls, snapping his mind back, and he quickly focuses on him, on his actual date. “You alright?”

He’s speechless for a long second, clearing his throat before staring into the gleam of Kiyoung’s lenses. “Yeah—I—I just saw someone I used to know. Are you ready to go?”

Kiyoung’s puzzled expression causes him to pause even when doing something like that right now feels impossible. Everything in his body is telling him to leave now before he breaks. “Do you want to go say something to them? I don’t mind waiting.”

It’s thoughtful, and he wants to thank Kiyoung right then and there for understanding a situation he has no idea about, but instead he stands up, taking the extra effort to not let his eyes stray over towards where they were just almost trapped. “No, it’s fine. Let’s go.”

He might be a bit forceful as he holds open Kiyoung’s large coat for him to slip back into, but he doesn’t want to waste time, doesn’t want to think right now, and he hates himself for it. The desire to take Kiyoung’s hand and yank him along is so strong, but he fights it knowing the consequences, and opts to pressing a hand to his back to lead them towards the door instead. But he makes a mistake as he involuntarily turns his head back around, seeing clearly the same eyes as before, and fully taking in the rest of the expression, the rest of the picture. Lips are parted just slightly and the surprise is completely gone. This feels all too familiar, all too much like when Joonhyun eyed him down, wanting to speak to him, but he had Taekwoon’s hand within his own, and the pull wasn’t strong enough to keep him from leaving. But this time, this time it’s Taekwoon who’s doing the pulling, and the feelings are completely different. This time, leaving is followed by an undeniable sense of uncertainty.

 

The chilling air striking within his lungs doesn’t help as much as he wants it to. He keeps looking back while they walk together down the sidewalk, but it’s not long before Kiyoung pulls on his sleeve as his behavior must be obvious at this point. His brain just isn’t working properly. He doesn’t know what to do about the rush of feelings, the answers he might have been able to get if he didn’t just run away, or the jittery sensations that have overtaken his entire body. “What is wrong with you?” He frowns slightly, stopping his feet in order to stop Wonsik’s as well.

“What?” is all that he can release, and he instantly feels like a fool as the word leaves his mouth.

“You’re being weird.”

“I’m sorry,” he attempts to shake himself back, and it somewhat works. “That was someone I wasn’t sure I’d ever see again. So, running into him really just… Shocked me.”

There’s no point in lying right now, and even if he wanted to, he’s not sure he could focus enough to properly construct a believable one. But Kiyoung just holds his baffled look.

“I’m really sorry. Ah—I don’t know,” he admits quietly, already feeling guilty for more than one reason.

“Do you want to go back?” Kiyoung offers softly against Wonsik’s stunned silence. He appears just as confused as Wonsik feels.

He looks down and gently picks Kiyoung’s hand off his arm to hold it. The motion isn’t as intimate as he wants it to be, but he also doesn’t want to make Kiyoung nervous since they are still out in public. People are around, but they aren’t doing anything to cause them to stand out within the crowd.

Kiyoung glances back between their hands and Wonsik’s face once more before his tone goes light as he jokes almost uncomfortably, “He’s not an ex, is he?”

But Wonsik doesn’t laugh as he drops their hands back down. “No—no—we’ve never dated.”

Lips fall open, but even Kiyoung seems to be at a loss of words. Wonsik only snickers, turning around as if to laugh at himself, to fight with himself, only to lose horrifically. Because he’s staring at the bar, counting the short amount of steps away they actually are, and already knowing what he wants to do.

He’s pathetic. More than pathetic. “Give me just a minute. I’ll be right back—I promise.”

“Okay…,” Kiyoung responds in a weary tone.

 

He thinks he might vomit. Blood rushes and his world feels tilted like some sort of a fictional dream. Yet, it’s not. He’s living it, he’s the one pushing the doors to the bar back open, frantically looking around until he sees the tall frame of the only man he’s looking for standing before the back counter. Beige fur lining of the hood compliments his padded black coat as he looks down to zip it up as if he’s preparing to head out. But Wonsik’s quick, slipping past a couple workers who greet him upon his arrival and stepping around others in order to find his way back, to speak before he’s even ready to. Panicked and nearly out of breath, “Taekwoon, wait.”

The same eyes that were focused on him just minutes ago gaze up. Widened slightly, but lacking the surprise that Wonsik almost expects. They’re nearly unreadable. “Wonsik,” he releases, slow and airy. “I was just about to leave—”

“I can’t stay. I’m with someone,” Wonsik says quickly, almost too quickly, and he immediately regrets it when they simultaneously frown.

Taekwoon stares at him with the same look. There’s uneasiness this time and it only fills Wonsik with a strong desire to comfort him, but he knows he can’t. At least, not right now. He’s unprepared, unsure of what to do or say, and reminding himself that Kiyoung is still outside, standing alone in the cold. So, he turns his neck, quickly observing his options, and notices that Taekwoon’s receipt is still sitting upon the counter.

“Here,” he starts as he moves in, grabbing a nearby pen and turning the flimsy piece of paper over. “I can’t stay,” he ends up repeating again, “But I will have time later tonight. Soon, probably. Just—call me, text me, whatever you’re comfortable with, and I’ll meet you somewhere, okay?”

Taekwoon’s unchanging expression becomes concerning, but he still takes the paper, glancing down at the numbers before looking back at Wonsik. Because Wonsik’s hand comes up, similar to the act he just did with Kiyoung outside, but intimate in the way he wants it to be. Taekwoon drops his arm down, but Wonsik’s already got him, already gently folding Taekwoon’s fingers into a more secure hold on the paper, on his phone number. His warm hand feels nice against Wonsik’s cold one, but he lets go before he can think too much on it.

Taekwoon doesn’t say anything, but he gives a small, unsure nod, and Wonsik leaves, rushing back out the same doors.

 

He wants to hold Kiyoung close when he spots him just down the sidewalk. The rush in his system translated itself into energy he doesn’t know what to do with right now. There’s a part of him that is overflowing with happiness and another that is hesitant, terrified. But he doesn’t actually touch Kiyoung once he catches up.

“How’d it go?” Kiyoung simply asks, seemingly becoming smaller as he holds himself within the cold.

Wonsik’s preoccupied again. Grasping his phone inside his pocket so he’ll know the very moment it buzzes. Waiting and waiting—anticipating. “Not sure. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

Kiyoung only hums.

 

His cheeks are bright red with frost once they make it inside the bus terminal. Wonsik feels bad again and he’s thankful Kiyoung seems to notice. “Next time you have to show me your apartment,” he demands in a feisty tone that manages to come off as cute.

It causes Wonsik to chuckle, causes their small age difference to become a bit more visible, and they walk together to the ticket counter. Kiyoung just makes the next bus back and he waves to Wonsik from behind the window. He told Kiyoung he might call him later tonight, but he probably won’t. Probably because he doesn’t really have a desire to right now. Although, looking at his phone, there are no new calls, no new messages from any unknown number to give him an excuse not to as of yet.

 

The temperature feels like it has dropped even more as Wonsik walks back in the direction of his home. The trip is longer than he’d prefer it to be, but he just deals with it simply because he doesn’t have any other options. Jaehwan would probably swing by and pick him up if he asks, but he’s not going to.

His fingers become stiff from within his pocket, from the tight clutch on his phone as he walks. He’s hoping Taekwoon will try to contact him before he makes it home, but he’s already starting to lose that hope. Because what makes him think Taekwoon will actually attempt to reach out to him? The thoughts only bring Wonsik down, only make him regret leaving so quickly, regret everything regarding their minute-long interaction. What if he didn’t want to wait? What if he gave up and already decided to go home with someone else? What did that look of his actually mean?

If he wanted to fight with Wonsik, he could have in the bar. He didn’t, though. He barely even said anything at all. And Wonsik’s getting upset, making himself upset, pulling his nearly frozen fingers out of his warm pocket to check the phone once again, only to see nothing.

This is all still his own fault. As if countless warnings and red flags weren’t enough, none of it has stopped Wonsik from continually being optimistic, from getting himself overly excited due to the thoughts alone. And in the end, none if it seems to matter. He’s home.

The door unlocks and the dry, heated air from inside immediately causes his body to slump within relief. With a quick glance, he can see Jaehwan’s doorway cracked open, flashing lights shining throughout the hallway, and he heads directly into his own room to escape it all. A frown forms as he checks his phone again. Still nothing, but he’s not surprised, and the device is tossed aside until it bounces face down atop his sheets.  

He did well on time, at least. The digital clock on his dresser reads 11:09 PM and if he goes to bed now, he should have enough rest to function normally at work tomorrow. His reflection in the washroom mirror reveals that not even his blank expression can hide the disappointment from within. The darkness under his lower lashes is heavy and he shuts his eyes as he finishes cleaning his teeth before the sink. Clothes come off until he’s standing in only his underwear and he slides into bed, reaching for his phone that managed to swim farther away within the folded waves caused by his movements, and giving one last glance before placing it down on the nightstand.

He can feel all the emotions percolating inside him, ready to make him crash and scream, but nothing surfaces. His layer of numbness is making itself known again, seemingly strong as ever, and Wonsik simply accepts it this time. In an attempt to occupy his mind with anything else, to allow something to ease the subtle sting of blankness, he focuses on Kiyoung again. On his roommate, on their dates in general, on his back and forth efforts to make this work between them. He wants to date normally, but this doesn’t leave him feeling good. No part of him actually misses Kiyoung right now, but he knows he should. Maybe if he tries harder, maybe if he pays more attention to the words he speaks, the affection that he shares, something more should appeal to him eventually, right? It’s convincing in a doubtable way, but he holds onto it.

Because he’s tired of these highs and lows, thinking that a happy medium will be enough already. And he’s gearing himself up, forcing the energy to make this happen, make it all work, to find relief amongst all of this. His phone is in his hand again, causing his eyes to squint after becoming accustom to the dark already, and his finger taps against Kiyoung’s name.

The screen becomes dark as the phone begins connecting the call, drawing out the silenced moment before the first ring plays. The second ring goes by. Then the third. The fourth. Voicemail.

Wonsik wants to groan. He almost doesn’t have the patience sewn into him anymore—it’s gotten so loose. His head falls against the pillow in anguish, but the quick buzzing within his hand is enough to bring his attention back, and quickly, too.

But it’s not Kiyoung returning his call. No, the ringing is too short because it’s a message instead. A message from an unknown number. A message merely reading:

 _‘still awake?’_ 11:45 PM

A silent gasp swirls its way through Wonsik’s lungs before he shakily releases it. There’s no need to think twice as his heartbeat has already followed with this initial reaction. Yet, his motivation from earlier still lingers, still prevails even when he changes the focus completely.

 _‘Yes. Where are you?’_ 11:47 PM

 _‘few blocks from your apt. can i come over?’_ 11:48 PM

 _‘I’ll meet you out front.’_ 11:48 PM

Mind the time being just minutes from midnight, Wonsik is out of his bed, pulling clothes from earlier back out of the hamper to cover himself once again. He’s fast, erratic almost, accidentally knocking his fist into the closet door with a loud bang while sliding his arm through the sleeve of his sweater, and not even acknowledging the dull pain it swells with. He’s nearly out of breath when he’s standing in the living room, zipping his coat to his chin while looking back once more to make sure he’s not forgetting anything vital. Multicolored glows still flash and paint the white walls of the hallway and floorboards squeak from afar, letting him know Jaehwan is still awake, and he’s out the door.

 

There are no new messages as he quickly steps down the stairs, pushing open the heavy metal door leading back into the lobby. He looks around even though no one is there. The chilling breeze from outdoors is making its way inside, teasing him of what is to come yet again, and there isn’t any hesitation as he braces it, exiting through the entrance door.

His nostrils freeze momentarily with the first inhale as he steps back outside. There’s a couple walking directly across the street that he notices first, but then a voice pulls him back, causing his eyes to trail off to his right. “Wonsik—”

They hold a gaze. Strong and definite, and Wonsik can see the slight surprise in Taekwoon’s eyes again that was lacking earlier. “Hey,” he releases slowly, carefully.

“I could have just come up,” Taekwoon follows as he steps in a bit closer, changing his look to a more controlled one, a smirk forming softly.

But Wonsik puts a stop to that before he can be overcome with disruptive desires. “We’re not going back up.”

“Oh,” Taekwoon notes abruptly, seemingly entertained by that idea rather than put off. His brows raise and he reaches out his hand. “Somewhere else, then?”

None of this is what he expects. Then again, he is never sure what to expect whenever he’s with Taekwoon. His focus drops down to the offer before him. If they aren’t going up, what could this mean? Where will they go? Should he go? He has work tomorrow morning, Kiyoung who he has recently started dating, and an entire backlog of bad outcomes every Taekwoon offer has ended with. This is wrong. He shouldn’t. He really, truly, shouldn’t. But he… Still wants to.

So, he does. Firmly, his fingers curl around Taekwoon’s, and he’s tugged. Taekwoon’s laughing, beaming whenever Wonsik is able to catch a glance at him, but it’s hard. It’s hard because they’re moving, they’re not quite running, but they’re not walking like any other normal couple would. And it’s cold. It’s so cold.

They don’t make it far. Taekwoon leads them down only another block and between two buildings. This almost feels similar to when they danced in the rain, yet it’s not. This is already completely different. Because the air is pushed out of his chest when Taekwoon turns him back against a frigid cement wall. But it’s surprisingly okay. The immense heat that’s forming between them is enough to make him forget everything about winter’s harsh midnight chills.

He’s completely charged, fueled by energy that seems to have come from nowhere—refreshing, sparking, and so, so hot. The taste of alcohol is undeniable through Taekwoon’s lips, but not nearly as overpowering as last time. Wonsik wants to give a second thought as to if he went to another bar after they met earlier, he wants to bring his mind back to reality, but it’s just not going to happen right now. Not when Taekwoon’s opening his coat, pressing their bodies together to keep warm, and not when his hands hold Taekwoon’s neck as they kiss right in this very spot.

It’s the attachment that doesn’t make him slow down or stop. Confusing emotions of need, lust, and love overwhelm him yet again. Taekwoon’s noises sink deep, high moans ring when Wonsik flips their positions and bring him back to some form of prospering life. His weight is all over Taekwoon like this, heat and desperation seemingly shared, and hands that just held Wonsik’s face slide underneath his coat, clutching tightly at his back.

These feelings, this rush, all shine, all feel unreal in some way, yet nostalgic, almost. Because they only ever appear with Taekwoon, only ever make Wonsik crazy, but they never last. Not because Wonsik doesn’t want them to—but because Taekwoon never lasts. These moments never last. And Wonsik can feel it all coming back. Slowly. Reality.

His movements—tongue—lips—hands—all gradually soften, ease. The fine bristles of Taekwoon’s coat poking delicately at his skin aid in Wonsik picking back up on his other senses, and he finally pulls away, watching as Taekwoon’s absolutely beautiful eyes serenely blink back open before him. The hold on him doesn’t give and the glossiness of Taekwoon’s gaze remains mesmerizing. His hands drop to Taekwoon’s shoulders, giving him the slightest nudge as Wonsik moves a leg back, and just like that, the grip on him falls, and he’s free.

Yet, the look from Taekwoon barely changes. Strong and intense—sensual and seductive. “You can’t just kiss me like that and not do anything else,” he states, breathy and light.

Taekwoon’s tone, his being in the moment, pulls and tugs at him like heavy chains, but Wonsik only manages to repeat the same words he’s said before. They don’t come out as quickly as he wants them to, but they are easier to say this time around. “I’m—not going to sleep with you.”

Taekwoon remembers. “You said that last time.”

But he’s wrong. That’s wrong. And it only forces Wonsik to remember all that actually did happen. “No,” he starts and he can already feel the heavy lump of unstableness within his voice. “Last time you were drunk out of your mind.”

No words are returned, but the blank stare from Taekwoon is almost enough to infuriate him yet again. His hands come up to hold at his temples. The exhaustion overwhelmed by his rushing emotions is doing a number on his clarity. He tries to calm down, wants to calm down, but his voice still comes out rough, loud. “Are we just going to ignore all that happened last time?”

“I made a mistake,” Taekwoon retaliates just as fast and it’s the very last thing Wonsik wants to hear. Because it only hurts, only acts as greater fuel.

“Why?” He scoffs, momentarily stepping his feet to the side, only to turn back around. “Did your boyfriend find out you’re going around and sleeping with other men when you weren’t home by morning?”

He’s being harsh, channeling the way he and Jaehwan have fought in the past, and he hates that this is what he falls back on. But he’s so confused, so irritated, so lost when it comes to this man in front of him.

“Boyfriend?” Taekwoon nearly whispers back, but Wonsik doesn’t really hear it.

“How can you tell me things like ‘cheating is cheating’ when you do it yourself? You might be alright with relationships like that, but I will never be. And then we act like nothing ever happened? God, I’m so sick of this,” Wonsik groans, moving in some form of an oblong circle again.  

He doesn’t mean to shout at Taekwoon, doesn’t want to, but he’s so filled with this lasting disappointment that it’s all coming out.

 _“You have a right to be angry,”_ Jaehwan had always told him when they stayed together night after night following the second of his terrible breakups, but he has always been too numbed to feel it. He never wanted to be upset like this, never wanted to kick and scream and cry out, yet here he is. Raising his voice at Taekwoon when Wonsik is the only one truly to blame, trusting when he shouldn’t have, and wishing in hopeless dreams. He’s acting similarly to the other men he’s witnessed Taekwoon involve himself with. The kind of men he can’t stand. This all could have been avoided—should have been avoided—months ago, but Wonsik’s attached. Attached to this one person who leaves him feeling happy and excited for life, but also left pained with longingness and helplessness once it’s over. The very person before him who has made Wonsik feel so much more in the few short times they’ve been together than the rest of the last ten months since the breakup combined.

But Taekwoon’s soft tone remains, cutting through Wonsik’s rash one so smoothly, like it never even affected him to begin with. “Wonsik, I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Maybe it’s true or maybe it’s a lie. Maybe it’s only being said to bring Wonsik down. He doesn’t know. He never knows when it comes to Taekwoon. He never knows anything. So, he locks their eyes again, sighing out heavily as he asks, as he throws out the only information, the only name he does actually know. “Then who is Chanwoo?”

This is where Taekwoon seems to freeze. His eyes widen slightly as he holds the look—as something like guiltiness seems to flush over his face. Hesitantly, his words start slow and unsure. “Where… Did you hear that name?”

“From you,” Wonsik clarifies firmly, without any pause.

Taekwoon’s left remaining silent, almost completely stunned, and his eyes fall to the ground as he stands there.

“Do you remember anything that actually happened last time we were together?” He follows with, the harshness dropping as he focuses on Taekwoon’s defenses cracking, breaking.

“I think so... Bits and pieces,” Taekwoon admits distantly, as if he’s still engulfed, sifting through the pages of his own thoughts and memories.

The sight is almost sad, almost difficult to watch. The fight within Taekwoon shows no signs any longer, causing Wonsik to calm considerably, and he’s so thankful for it. “Are you drunk again right now?”

“No,” Taekwoon begins as he shakes his head gently, foggy eyes reaching up towards Wonsik’s once more. “Not to that extent, but I’m definitely buzzed.”

“Okay,” Wonsik breathes out while looking around to pick back up on where exactly they are. “Let’s get inside somewhere. Let’s… Talk, if that’s alright with you?”

“Yeah,” Taekwoon responds softly.

 

He’s too overrun by his own emotions to think too much on the implications of this decision. There’s a small convenience store just around the corner and that’s where he sets their route to. His mind reminds him of the last time he led Taekwoon somewhere, that being the donut shop, and just how well that turned out, but this already feels different. Feelings aren’t the same and Wonsik’s insides aren’t urging this to be anything more than face value. He’s simply living in the moment, taking one second at a time, and wondering just how this will all play out by the end of the night. They’re cold and tired and in need of somewhere to go. Besides, no good date ever takes place at a convenience store.

He’s thankful this particular store is large enough to have some seating in the back. There’s a student seemingly passed out at the only single table, but there are seats over by the window counter that are free. A young, male clerk comes out of the back room upon hearing the door open up and Wonsik almost feels like he should buy something in order to not be rude, to grant them access to occupy the few open spots within the store to sit.

“Are you hungry?” He asks Taekwoon suddenly enough to surprise both of them.

“I’m okay,” Taekwoon eventually answers.

But that doesn’t stop Wonsik from still going through the aisles, allowing his eyes to graze over the products and selections in a hurry. In the end, he chooses a small bag of flavored pretzels and pays for them while Taekwoon claims two of the four tall chairs over at the far end.

For the first time, Wonsik feels an uncertain tension between them. He places the bag of pretzels down on the counter, telling Taekwoon he can open them if he wants, but already knowing he probably won’t. They sit beside one another and Wonsik shuts his eyes as he takes in a deep breath. It’s funny that just being next to Taekwoon relaxes him in such an odd way. Even when he looks out the window, he’s distracted by their own reflections projecting back at them. He knows that Taekwoon is already close to his own height, but looking beside him, sitting quietly in his chair, he appears rather small.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m not really upset with you, I’m just—there’s a lot going on.”

“Who was that guy you were with earlier?” Taekwoon breaks the prolonged silence with an unexpected question, one Wonsik’s not afraid to start with.  

“Oh, um,” he glances over at Taekwoon’s calm expression before softly admitting, “I was on a date.”

“Ah,” Taekwoon draws out in an understanding way. “How did it go? Was this your first time with him?”

“No, it was our second. Well, maybe third. And I really don’t know. Okay, I guess.”

“What does that mean?”

He’s doing it again. Knowingly and willingly sharing personal stories with Taekwoon for no real reason other than because he wants to. He’s aware it might be a trap, a way for Taekwoon to take the attention away from himself, and for the moment, Wonsik’s alright with letting that slide. The time is already close to 1:00 AM. There’s no recovering from this even if he runs home right now. He figures he may as well just go with it, stay like this with Taekwoon while he has the opportunity.

Because he doesn’t have anyone else to tell this information to. Taekwoon always listens so well, is always so understanding, and Wonsik truly appreciates that about him. He tells Taekwoon about Kiyoung. Everything. How they slept together the first time they met even when he was uncertain about it, their following dates, and the roommate that always made himself known during it all.

“Sounds like he’s probably still fucking his roommate or something,” Taekwoon states flatly, staring into Wonsik’s eyes as he rests his chin against his palm.

And it causes Wonsik to laugh out in surprise. “How can you say that so definitively? Kiyoung said he is straight.”

There’s a casual shrug as he leans back into the chair. “If they’ve already slept together a few times, there’s no way. Especially with how weird and possessive he’s acting. Also, you said Kiyoung was being ridiculously loud during sex? Pretty convincing, right? They probably still have something going on between them whether it’s official or not.”

Wonsik sighs deeply, mimicking the same motions as he slumps over. “Maybe. Maybe the guy’s just afraid to commit?”

“It’s possible.”

As he thinks about their story, there’s a subtle dull that allows Wonsik to pick up on the sounds of the student behind them shuffling their belongings around. “Kiyoung wavers. Sometimes I think he’s confident within himself and other times not so much. It’s not just with his roommate being strange. He didn’t even like me holding his hand in public or anything.”

“We do that a lot,” Taekwoon adds cleverly, smiling lightly over at Wonsik.

The door rings a small tune as the student runs out, but Wonsik barely registers it. He’s too focused on the man beside him, noticing once again just how stunning Taekwoon actually is even when he’s just sitting. “Do you mind?”

“No,” he’s quick with that response.

The silliness, the playfulness in a situation like this one, just gets to him. He snickers as Taekwoon looks down, holding the smile simply because it’s so easy to. “Neither do I. I just don’t care. If I want to be affectionate with a guy, I’m not going to let disapproving looks or opinionated comments stop me.”

“Does your family know?”

“Yeah,” he exhales while looking back out the window, through his own reflection to focus on the adjacent building. “It’s obvious that they don’t particularly like it, but they don’t shun me for it. They’ve been coming around slowly, I guess. Does your family know about you?”

There’s a pause and Wonsik nearly forgets who he is talking to. The question came out so fluidly that he didn’t think twice about asking it.  

So, he’s taken aback when he hears an answer. Quietly, “They do.”

And he can feel it. The rush—the excitement. The joy from being able to have Taekwoon answer one of his questions. He continues, “Did you tell them or did they find out?”

It’s almost unbelievable as he watches Taekwoon closely. He appears very composed and calm even when Wonsik’s inquiring more personal information. “A mixture of both. I kind of did something that was really telling. I… Moved away from home to live with my boyfriend at the time.”

But this is where Wonsik begins reacting differently. He sees an opportunity and he’s not sure if it’s Taekwoon’s way of inviting him in, but he’s opening up to him, and Wonsik’s pulse drums within his ears at the realization of what is happening, what could be forming. A real conversation. “Was that…,” he starts carefully, stilling unintentionally because there’s a lingering nervousness. He doesn’t want to push Taekwoon too far, but he wants to know. He wants to know so badly. Who is this person? “Chanwoo?”

“Yeah,” Taekwoon confirms softly. “It didn’t take them long to fully understand after that.”

Wonsik’s focus falls to the reflection of the way Taekwoon’s fingers are curling against the countertop—delicate and relaxed. Almost like how Wonsik feels the atmosphere surrounding them has become. He’s not going to question any of it, at least not right now, but he feels himself absorbing energy from their tranquil vibes. He almost feels like he could be dreaming right now as there’s a part of this that still doesn’t seem all that real. But then he remembers how late it actually is and how negligent of a decision it is for him to still be out at this hour. How he specifically sent Kiyoung home early and yet he’s out right now only because Taekwoon is beside him. Only because it’s Taekwoon. He’s not sure he would be doing this with anyone who didn’t already mean a great deal to him.

“Did you… Really think I was Chanwoo last time?” His voice questions lightly, mainly because he’s honestly afraid of what the answer might be.

There’s a heavy sigh released beside him. They connect eyes from glancing at one another through the darkened window, but Taekwoon looks away from it quickly. “I knew I was with you. The whole night was… Fuzzy, but I remember. We were at Jinho’s bar, then we were outside and it rained, and then I was in your apartment—your bed.”

“—We didn’t do anything—,” he interrupts, only because he needs to ensure that Taekwoon knows that.

“—I know.”

“—I’m sorry if that was a bad decision on my part. Bringing you back to my place, I mean. I just—I didn’t know where else to take you. You wouldn’t tell me your address—and I—”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Taekwoon states firmly as he gazes back over towards Wonsik. “Thank you for… Taking care of me.”

Somehow, his words sound regretful and Wonsik’s not sure how to take them in. But his heart feels for them, for him. He wonders what would have happened if it were someone else who took him home that night. That is, if Jinho would have let them. “I wouldn’t have done it if Jinho hadn’t pulled me over to you.”

This bit of information seems to shock Taekwoon. “Jinho did?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have even known you were also at the bar if he hadn’t stopped me.”

“Ah,” he says in a weak whisper. “Of course.”

“Hm?” Wonsik hums once Taekwoon’s voice becomes nearly soundless.

But he gives his head a quick shake and Wonsik’s lips curve at the sight of him appearing mildly confused. And they laugh once they look at one another again. Wonsik doesn’t know why they are laughing, but they are, and Taekwoon’s hand closes around his forearm as possibly a way to bring them back. “I left—I left quickly in the morning because I was really late for my job. Not because… Of other reasons. I’m sorry if it was a bit hectic. I just really shouldn’t have let myself fall asleep at your place. It was my fault.”

The mood drops back down, but Wonsik doesn’t mind. He can feel his temperature spike just from the touch. Wonsik believes him even when he’s not sure if he should or not. It just feels right to. He doesn’t feel like Taekwoon’s lying and he even remembers the text message he caught a glance at about his mother needing help. There’s still this urge, this desire to know, to ask more about it, about everything, but he holds those thoughts in since he doesn’t want to break what is happening between them right now. Whatever this is. These feelings and the fact that Taekwoon is still holding onto his arm. Their connection. As frail as it always seems to be.

But that reminds him of something Jinho had said, something that has been bothering Wonsik ever since then, and he has to ask at least this. He has to. “Jinho mentioned something to me that night,” he speaks and Taekwoon only looks up at him again. “He said that it was a bad day for you. Did… Something happen?”

The fingers gently bent into a hold around him pull away and there’s a visual flush of uneasy emotions that take over Taekwoon’s expression. He flashes some sort of a smile, but it’s gone in an instant, and Wonsik’s not sure what to think. His curiosities are consuming and he’s already preparing himself for a ‘pass.’

His gaze trails back over the countertop until he hears just the starting sound of Taekwoon’s shaky voice bring him back. “Um… It was more of what didn’t happen.”

Taekwoon pauses to rearrange the way his legs are crossed underneath and Wonsik parts his lips, ready to speak, ready to retract the question altogether, but he never gets the chance to. 

“That day would have been mine and Chanwoo’s anniversary. Our—ten year anniversary.”

Wonsik makes a guttural noise, but it’s completely unintentional and meaningless. Because he’s absolutely speechless, unable to form any coherent thoughts to relay back. Instead, he just babbles. Stupidly, idiotically, “Te—Ten years?”

Out of all the reasons Taekwoon could have told him, a ten year anniversary with his ex-boyfriend was not one he would have ever guessed. He can’t even process the thought. Taekwoon—a confusing man who seems to hang around bars in search of men willing to sleep with him—once had a nearly ten year long relationship that he is still mourning over. Ten years. Ten years is an incredibly long time. Especially since—Taekwoon appears so young. Older than Wonsik, apparently, but he can’t be that much older. He can’t be.

“Yeah,” Taekwoon breathes. “We didn’t make it, though.”

He’s baffled, he’s still so baffled. “I’m sorry,” is all Wonsik can make out, piece together. His mind is everywhere, rethinking everything he knows about Taekwoon at once.

All he’s sure of is that he feels an intense emotional pain for Taekwoon right now just thinking about that. And he waits—waits to see if Taekwoon will tell him anything more, will share anything else.

But he doesn’t. And it takes Wonsik more time than he hoped for himself to realize it. Their silence together is the same as always. It’s not awkward even when it feels like it should be. It’s just quiet because they’re both in thought. Wonsik wonders if Taekwoon regrets telling him that information, but with another quick glance, he’s not sure if he notices the lasting silence just yet either. Instead, he’s gazing out the window while playing with the edges of a clean paper napkin that has long been left on the counter before they arrived.

“Taekwoon,” Wonsik calls gently, watching as all the movements out of Taekwoon’s fingers immediately stop.

“Sorry,” he releases, gazing his eyes back up at Wonsik’s. They’re almost blank again—exhausted. “I was just thinking. I’m very tired.”

“You don’t have to stay here,” Wonsik responds in a whisper, forcing his lips to linger upward even if it’s almost a chore to. There’s a heaviness that has returned to the air shared between them and he just wants to ease the weight away.

Thankfully, Taekwoon returns a similar expression. His eyes curve alongside his own small smile. “It’s okay. The company is nice.”

As nice as it is to hear words like that spoken back out to Wonsik, he feels guilty—bad. Almost as if he’s been reading Taekwoon wrong this entire time, that he’s been piecing together his narrative so incorrectly that he doesn’t know where to go from here. Yet, his heartbeat still pumps quickly throughout, and he takes in a large inhale in hopes the act will make him feel better. “It’s late, though. Why don’t you go back and rest for a little bit?”

“I can’t,” he says the same words he always seems to. “I’ll need to be at work in a couple hours.”

“Do you ever sleep?” Wonsik sighs out.

And that causes Taekwoon to smile a little bit brighter again. “I do.”

A few more minutes of them gazing out of the window go by before Wonsik decides to offer the pretzels to Taekwoon once more by nudging them softly across the counter, but there’s a playful sneer as they are swatted back over. He pulls out his phone to free room in his pocket for the snack and sees he has a few notifications. One missed call and two messages from Kiyoung.

‘ _Sorry!!! I fell asleep on the bus.. I’m home now!_ ’ 12:26 AM

‘ _You must be sleeping already…. Talk to you in the morning!_ ’ 12:45 AM

Wonsik wants to laugh, but he doesn’t. The pep talk session he had with himself in bed earlier seems completely irrelevant right now. As he sits next to Taekwoon, his desires become clearer and easier to understand and accept. He doesn’t really know if he wants to continue dating Kiyoung.

Kiyoung may want to be with him, but Wonsik’s mind is elsewhere. He turns his attention towards the man beside him, the man already looking back at him, and he simply places the phone down against the counter. As it always seems, he can’t ignore his attraction to Taekwoon. Yet, he still has to keep reminding himself that this is one-sided. That no matter how much he wants Taekwoon, he won’t be able to have him.

“Everything okay?” His voice comes out light, but very smooth, very captivating.

“Yeah,” Wonsik shakes himself out of the trance, bringing a hand to hold his face. “I’m tired, too. And I have work tomorrow. I’ll need to be up in a few hours.”

Taekwoon’s expression drops considerably as he appears worried. “I’ll walk you home.”

He doesn’t argue with that, doesn’t even allow his mind to sit on the thought. They push their chairs back in place and exit through the store’s side door out into the cold.

It almost feels as if he’s dreaming again as they pass the alleyway from earlier. Neither say anything and they keep moving with quickened steps. There isn’t much time to waste when the chill outside is this unpleasant. Thankfully, they were never that far from his apartment to begin with and he unlocks the main doors to the building’s lobby. Heat blasts in from the vents and they both shuffle inside.

Taekwoon exhales dramatically before teasing a smile back up at Wonsik. “Well, um—I’m just going to wait for a cab. Go get some rest.”

“No, I’ll wait with you.”

He watches as Taekwoon walks over to the corner window to look back outside before concentrating on his phone. His body is finally screaming at him that enough is enough. He aches a little bit, leaning himself against the wall tiredly. Taekwoon makes his way back over after another moment, stopping himself immediately in front of Wonsik.

“It will be a few minutes.” His tone is gentle.

“That’s fine. I don’t mind,” Wonsik responds quickly, unsure what else to follow with. “Are you heading home?”

“Yeah. I’ll need to shower and eat something before work,” Taekwoon hums, turning his neck to look out the window again.

And maybe Wonsik’s feeling slightly out of it, somewhat crazy from the need to sleep, and his body moves before he can even think properly. His eyes focus on Taekwoon’s unzipped side pocket while slipping a hand into his own to pull out the pretzels from earlier. Quickly, he reaches around with the intention of sliding them into Taekwoon’s coat. But he doesn’t make it. Taekwoon’s hands are fast to grab his arm, pushing it to the side, and twisting his hips around to step out of reach.

And they laugh, both of them, together, loudly, because Wonsik’s free arm wrings around Taekwoon’s waist, pulling him in until they bump together, struggle and yelp through their airy gasps.

“Won—sik,” Taekwoon grits through his beaming teeth as he jolts from within the hold, falling slightly, but Wonsik’s grip on him is strong. “I don’t want it!”

The bag gets knocked out of his grasp, but Taekwoon is still fighting with him about it. He’s pulled from the wall, spun around, and Taekwoon manages to slide his way out. Both of Wonsik’s hands are taken again and is body drops into a crouch before he falls over completely. Taekwoon’s got him, though, making his collision with the flooring nothing more than a light bounce. He gazes up at Taekwoon’s large grin as he huffs and can’t help himself from bursting out into a gasped, stunned laughter.

Footsteps echo from down the hall, hushing them both quickly, and they hold as a young couple walks through the lobby. The known and prominent stares burn into Wonsik, but he doesn’t care. This might be the shining moment where he has never cared less. Never. Wonsik pulls on Taekwoon’s loosened grip and he immediately comes down, colliding them together on the floor with a faint whimper groaned out through impact, and he swings his head back, watching as the couple leaves in a hurry through the front entrance without looking back.

Taekwoon’s weight on him is removed and within another blink, he’s being pulled onto his feet. “What is wrong with you?” Taekwoon’s voice strains as he lifts Wonsik up with him.

“You’re not the first person to ask me that today,” Wonsik replies through a lasting chuckle, feeling fluttery and light once he looks back at Taekwoon’s animated expression. One he’s seen before, one he’s used to, one he really, really likes. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

The playful curve to Taekwoon’s lips rises even when his gaze drops away. “No.”

There’s that feeling again, intense and raw, squeezing at his stomach in a way that isn’t painful in the slightest. The look on Taekwoon’s face softens, leaving just a small, relaxed smile to compliment his fallen lashes before he glances back up. Their hands are still together, grips firm, but still somehow delicate to the touch, and Wonsik allows himself to be overcome yet again. It’s little, it’s innocent, but not something he’s ever done with Taekwoon before. Meaningless to some, but the world to him. He leans in, letting his focus graze from Taekwoon’s lips over to his cheek, and pressing a kiss gently against his skin. It’s not quick. He holds for another moment, pulling back only to see half-lidded eyes gazing firmly right back at his own.

He nearly expects Taekwoon to make fun of him, to think a goodnight kiss is silly or uncalled for, but he doesn’t say anything like that. Or anything at all, actually. Their hands break apart, but only for Taekwoon’s arms to come up and around him, for their thick coats and warm bodies to come together again in an embrace. “Thank you for coming out to meet me. Even if it was late,” Taekwoon sighs out, breathy and soft.

This isn’t the first time Taekwoon has thanked him for reasons similar to this. Wonsik may not fully understand why he does, but his arms still come up to hold him. There’s so much he wants to say in return, to promise, but he doesn’t. “Of course.”

Bright lights shine in through the darkened windows and Wonsik decides to shut his eyes in order to convince himself that he never saw them. Because tonight was a mess of a shit show. His feelings are all over the place and he’s far too tired to understand them right now. All he can focus on in this moment is one thing. One person. Taekwoon.

“I have to go,” his quiet voice chimes lightly.

This moment is completely different from their last goodbye. Taekwoon smiles back at him before lifting the furred hood of his coat over his head and leaving through the front doors. There is no talk of what will come next time, if there will be a next time, or that they’ll see each other around again. Just simple good night wishes and regretful gazes, and the taxi drives away.

 

The apartment is still and silent when he steps in through the entranceway. Jaehwan’s most likely asleep by now and Wonsik reminds himself that’s exactly what he should be doing as well. He drops his keys, phone, wallet, bag of pretzels, everything out on his dresser before taking off his clothes for the second time this night. His bed is warm already, comforting, and pleasant. Almost like it’s urging him back, reminding him of the time, of his actual needs and responsibilities, yet he still snaps himself out of the daze. Because even though Taekwoon’s not physically there anymore, his pull on Wonsik still is. And he picks up his phone, staring at the string of numbers that give him direct contact with Taekwoon, and saves them under a name. _Jung Taekwoon_ , he types out, pausing momentarily before he decides against it. Thinking, he may know more than he should, than what’s fair, but still has this giddy feeling as he saves his new contact. _Taekwoon._

 

 

Napping during his lunch break isn’t something he has ever done before, but his eyes put up a good fight to keep closed. Somehow, his arms become the most comfortable pillow he’s ever used and it’s so easy to allow himself to drift. He contemplated staying home today, but calling in sick isn’t exactly a concept upper management understands.   

Jaehwan was gone already when he woke up, but the apartment lingered a strong scent of coffee that proved he couldn’t have left too long ago. Either way, Wonsik doesn’t do well on little sleep. Kiyoung gives him another call during the day, but Wonsik only responds with a simple message, promising he’ll call back later.

He’s already dreading it. It’s a bad sign, yet a good one in some form. Because on the surface, Wonsik already knows he wants to end it. There’s no point in wasting more of either of their time. He has appreciated his dates with Kiyoung, but he doesn’t feel that pursuing him anymore will be worth it. Taekwoon was able to so easily cut through his desperation, to remind him that he can’t force himself to like someone, and to validate that his unease brought upon by Kiyoung’s roommate situation isn’t uncalled for. They only went on two dates—it shouldn’t feel like such a big deal—but it does.

And he wants this weight off his shoulders, this to be a problem of the past. The moment he gets home, Jaehwan catches his eyes, but Wonsik only gives a small wave before moving straight into his bedroom.

There’s a nervousness that surfaces, a mild sting of pain that follows through yet another failure, and Wonsik does nothing to fight these feelings. Because he’s glad he’s feeling anything at all. Three long lasting rings repeat until the line connects and Kiyoung’s cheerful voice is flourishing and loud as it comes through.    

It’s almost sad to Wonsik, sensing that Kiyoung has no idea of what is to come with this conversation. The initial small talk between them is boring and time consuming, but Wonsik gets himself through it, through the norms of a call introduction before he can take the lead of where this is going.

“So, there’s a party this Friday for one of my friends. He’s turning twenty-three, but we’re really close. Would you like to come? You can spend the night with me—or the weekend—that’s fine, too,” Kiyoung offers and Wonsik could not be more disinterested in the idea already.

He’s never been great with timing, great with rejections, but he knows he has to get this over with. “Um… I actually called for another reason.”

Kiyoung’s voice quiets significantly. “Oh, what is it?”

It’s smooth, it’s easy, mainly because Kiyoung doesn’t interrupt him. He keeps the explanation short and vague. They were never officially together—he’s not sure he needs to go in depth about his reasonings, but he also doesn’t want to come off as rude about it. That doesn’t stop Kiyoung from not taking the news well and it’s not like Wonsik can blame him. He can’t blame him for anything. Kiyoung scoffs, laughs a little, and only releases a firm, “Really?”

His immaturity is coming through again and Wonsik merely accepts it. “Yes, I’m sorry. I just… I just don’t see this going anywhere.”

“It was the guy at the bar, wasn’t it?” Kiyoung speaks quickly with a sneer.

And this catches Wonsik off guard. “What?”

“Nothing—never mind, Wonsik. I’m going to go.”

The line drops before Wonsik can even say goodbye. He doesn’t understand why Kiyoung became so upset, but maybe he liked Wonsik more than expected. Maybe Wonsik hurt him. That’s a thought he doesn’t like. In reality, it was two dates. Two dates and one night together. Maybe he’s the one becoming too desensitized these days.

He lays his head down, shutting his eyes in the process, and just breathes. He thinks about how he’s going to have to go out and find more people to date and just how tiring that sounds. Everything sounds tiring when he’s like this. But at least he’s home, done for the night, and done with Kiyoung. He’d rather just sleep right now.

 

“Wonsik.”

He senses his consciousness slowly coming back as his name is called once more. Once more by the clear voice of his roommate. Even though it has been a long time since he has been woken up in a manner like this, the atmosphere is still calm, still nice and familiar. His small groans are soft as his eyes blink open to focus on the head peeking in from behind the door.

“Shit, were you sleeping?” Jaehwan adds, arching his neck in a little more.

But Wonsik is already awake. “Yeah, it’s okay. You can come in.”

He never noticed he fell asleep nor does he know just how long he has been out. Wonsik remembers coming home, talking to Kiyoung, and then that’s really it. Jaehwan steps in slowly. He wears a weary expression and Wonsik watches as his fingers hook together slightly as if he’s nervous. “Sorry, I just need to talk to you about something. It’s kind of important.”

With the seriousness of his tone, Wonsik forces himself to sit up, to listen to whatever he’s about to say. Even if they haven’t been as close as they used to be, they are still friends and he’s ready to be there for him if he needs to be. “Sure, what is it?”

Jaehwan stops before the bed, looking at Wonsik in the eyes and holding the look firmly. Wonsik can feel his heartbeat picking up from just how strange his roommate is being. He’s becoming concerned, worried, but he simply waits, waits for Jaehwan to put words together.

“Well—so—our lease ends soon, but I’m… I’m going to move out this week,” he admits, stammering a bit in the beginning, but just laying it all out towards the end.

And Wonsik only stares, only cracks a smile as he parts his lips because he doesn’t know what else to do. He can tell this isn’t a joke, he knows this isn’t a joke.

Jaehwan continues. “Yeah, I’ll—I’ll give you money for the remaining months, but I need to leave. I need to get out of here.”

The desperation within Jaehwan’s voice is nearly heartbreaking. Wonsik’s pulse now feels so loud, so out of control because this is not what he wants, what he needs, anything he wants to hear. He doesn’t understand, doesn’t— “Why?” Is all he can ask, can come up with.

Jaehwan rolls his head and the calmness that was once in the room seems to crumble and disintegrate around them. He takes in a deep breath, like he’s gathering all he has rehearsed of this, and putting it all together in his mind before relaying it out to Wonsik.

“Because. Because, Wonsik. I’m sad when I come home. I’m sad to walk into the door of this apartment and be overwhelmed by this overbearing layer of negativity surrounding you. I tried to just distance myself, but you know it’s bad when even that doesn’t work. Because I still come home here every night and feel it all over again.” He takes a moment to break, to look back at Wonsik who still can’t say anything. “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now and Miae has offered to let me live with her. I can’t wait. I mean, I’m so unbelievably excited.”

Everything feels like it’s surfacing. The pain from within his stomach only expands even when he knows it’s not real, it’s not really there. But this—this feels like a beating, a stab, and he doesn’t know if he should be upset or disheartened that Jaehwan has felt like this without telling him, that he has also been keeping information to himself. Wonsik didn’t even know he got together with Miae, that they are so close now that moving in with her is a viable option, that his own relationship with Jaehwan has gotten so, so bad.

“Look,” Jaehwan starts again and the look in his eyes also appears hurt. “I know—I don’t want you to blame yourself. I know what you have gone through, okay? This is just—I need to do this. I… I’ve got good things going for me. I have an amazing girlfriend, a great job, supportive friends, and I—I just don’t need this.”

“Fuck,” Wonsik whispers out, and Jaehwan immediately reacts. “Fuck—"

“No, Wonsik—I just said I’m not blaming you. I mean, maybe this will be good for you, too. You’ve lived in this apartment for how long? Through how many relationships? Maybe it will be good for you to move, to find some place new and start fresh. Or you can find another roommate—I don’t know.”

This isn’t a fight, this is reality. The true reality that is hitting him harder than it ever has before. He thinks maybe he needs this, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want any of this. He wants to go back to the dream he was living. Then again, maybe he doesn’t quite know what to go back to anymore. He just— “Is living with me really that horrible?” Comes out so much weaker than he wants it to.

Jaehwan is clearly sympathetic, clearly pained as well as he takes another step closer to Wonsik’s bed. “It’s hard to watch. I want to help you, but I don’t know how to anymore. So, I… Need to help myself and hope that it in turn helps you, too.”

He’s ready to cry, to let it all out because what reason would he have to hold himself back this time? Another person is leaving him. Another person who means so much to him. Who has meant so much to him for so many years.

“I’ve taken a few days off of work this week, so don’t worry about it. You won’t even see any of me moving out. My friends and I will do it all while you’re working so we don’t bother you.”

This time, it’s Wonsik whose gaze turns away. He looks down at his bed, at himself. There’s nothing he can think of that will make this situation any better. He can’t stop Jaehwan—he’s already made up his mind. There’s no anger, no thought on their past issues. Only sadness. “I’m sorry,” he manages with a small whimper.

Jaehwan’s expression drops. Maybe he was expecting a brawl or some shouting, some ugliness, but Wonsik doesn’t have any of that in him right now. He’s so drained, so full of mixed emotions, and so, so exhausted. “I’m still your friend. I mean, I still want to be your friend.”

Wonsik scoffs in a way he doesn’t mean to. He’s overly aware of his heavy breathing. His neck twists as a way to shake himself, to allow his brain to settle, but it barely helps. Their eyes meet again, strongly, but both filled with ache. Wonsik nods, slowly, tellingly, “Yes, same for you.”

 

It’s only once Jaehwan quietly closes the door behind him as he leaves that Wonsik drops his body back against the mattress. His eyes shut tightly, fingers clutching into the material of his pillowcase, and he rolls against it. He’s not strong like he wishes he were, not confident like used to be, and more of a mess than ever. The anguish burns from under his skin, the darkness within his mind seemingly overbearing, and he’s realizing he has no one to go to anymore, to fall back on. He just broke ties with Kiyoung earlier in the night and Jaehwan is no longer an option right now. The only other person is one that Wonsik doesn’t know what kind of relationship they have or will ever have. One that pushes and pulls on him in ways that he knows aren’t healthy, aren’t helpful or hopeful in any way, but still the only person who listens to him, who has already seen him be so vulnerable, this vulnerable. Whether it’s good or bad. Right or wrong. Smart or completely idiotic. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew! would you believe this part alone took me like... 5 months. i know, i could cry too. i only finished it last month. look at me updating so quickly! i can promise you, this will not happen again next week. part 4 is only partially written so it will not come out nearly as quickly. but this is good because now instead of focusing on the entire ~60k of the previous parts, i can just focus on what i'm currently working on and that will be much less overwhelming for me. feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. only like 30-40k left!!!! i hope you guys enjoy this part! it's been really fun reading everyone's comments and reactions. it makes me really giddy seeing the frustration everyone seems to have from all characters! that means i'm writing this exactly how i imagined it to be hahaha. no one is perfect. as always though, thank you ♥


	4. Chapter 4

Words string together fluidly—making up the complex sentences that form meaningful paragraphs which ultimately lead to full on stories—and Wonsik finds it incredible how he can read twenty-three pages of one and remember none of it once he glances up from the book. He’s been like this for two days now and he’s almost wondering if his reliance on reading to take him away from his own life is becoming less and less effective as time goes on. After re-reading a chapter for the third time and still not retaining any of it, he puts the book down, focusing on the smiling woman gracing the cover one last time before turning away.

It’s almost comical how quickly time is passing. Jaehwan was home yesterday, but now he’s not. Well, his home is just somewhere else now, he supposes. The realization hasn’t fully hit Wonsik yet. Although, looking around just the living room, it should. Most of the furniture has been his own to begin with, but now there are these strange gaps—empty spaces sprawled all over. The coffee table is missing, a few smaller picture frames removed from the back bookshelf, and even the refrigerator lacks containers and foil wrapped foods that once filled the apartment with all sorts of pleasant scents.

The coffee maker rings a cheerful tune that has him stepping back into the kitchen. It’s late and coffee at this time isn’t a bright idea, but he doesn’t care. His emotions are right there, right on the edge, and he nips slightly at his bottom lip as he pours the dark liquid into a mug. Jaehwan looked him in the eyes as he left, told him this is all for the better, and that he wishes Wonsik the best. But it felt more like a goodbye than anything, another goodbye Wonsik wasn’t ready for, and he can’t stop replaying the memory. They haven’t messaged one another since.

 

 

“Wonsik, you’re not busy, right? Please file all these papers.”

His job is the same as always, life goes on in the routine way, and then he’s home once more. Cold and tired, yet relieved the week is over, that there shouldn’t be any more surprises. Because there isn’t really anyone left to provide him with any of those. Snow falls gently outside, clumping into a light pile against the window ledge, and he finds himself lost within the view. Somehow, this weather is aiding in bringing his mood down—not that it was too high to begin with.

He aimlessly paces around the living room for a few moments, taking note of this brooding pressure within his chest, and it’s not long before he figures out exactly what he wants to do, what his mind is pushing for him to do. He knows it’s only going to be bad, to end poorly, and he’s screaming to himself not to, not to look, not to make it all real. But he still moves, still turns down the hallway in a quick rush, acting solely on emotions, on this intense need, and turns the knob leading to Jaehwan’s room.

The threatening drop within him is quickly distracted by a sudden chill and his hands come up, fidgeting in the air before clinging to the door once again. The sight is nothing shocking, nothing unexpected. It’s simply an empty room. One he has seen multiple times before exactly like this. When he first moved in, when Minhyuk moved out, and now again after Jaehwan has left as well. Seeing it in a state like this freezes him as his mind desperately puts the picture back together, remembering where furniture once was and the onslaught of memories associated with them. The ones that were good at the start—the fun times he had with Minhyuk, with Jaehwan, all leading up to how things ended and how he felt about them afterwards. And now he’s the only one here, the only one left, staring at the blankness alone. Alone without anyone. And he’ll be here for the entire weekend to sit in it, to sit with these feelings.

Feelings that break through the numbed layer, that make his body feel cold, but somehow burning at the same time. The lump in his throat forms, but Wonsik holds himself back by turning away.

He falls against his mattress, finding the familiarity of his normal room calming, and lets himself breathe. Shakily and rough, but necessary. His teeth grit together as he curls his limbs. The impulse to leave and run outside is strong—very strong—and with time, minute by minute passing, he eventually picks himself back up, giving in to this desire.

His nicer button up is replaced by a warm sweater and slacks exchanged for blue jeans. There isn’t a destination in mind, but he has some ideas. He needs to eat and maybe he’ll even fall back on something else that helps in clearing his head.

 

Despite the amount of snow coming down, the temperature outside isn’t as drastic as it feels like it should be. The skies are pretty at least—darkened with nighttime, but still glowing from the flowing whiteness. Just being within the vast sights alone cause Wonsik to breathe easier. His pulse still feels erratic, but he thinks he’ll be able to revert it back to normal soon if he stays out long enough like this.

His walk leads him closer to the part of town were bars and restaurants line the roadsides. Just passing through triggers memories of him and Jaehwan, him and Joonhyun, and eventually, him and Taekwoon as well. In fact, he’s staring out towards the very bar where he has prominent memories of all three of them. There isn’t much thought, isn’t much debate within is mind as it almost feels like some gravitational pull already has him reaching towards the door handle. Immediately, he’s hit with warmth and loud noise filled with chatting and chairs scraping against the floors, and something about the atmosphere feels homey and nostalgic.

His eyes graze over to where they had celebrated Jaehwan’s promotion all those months ago and then back to the barstools where he had first spoken to Taekwoon. The bartender catches his gaze and gestures out to a seat right in front, only a few down from where he has sat before.

He orders his usual glass of whiskey and an entrée. Part of him considers the idea of simply staying here for hours and getting himself absolutely obliterated—something he hasn’t done since his breakup with Joonhyun, but then he’s reminded he has no one who will look after him, will make sure he gets home safe at the end of the night like Jaehwan always did.

The longer he sits here, the more drinks he goes through, the less he feels like being out is helping right now. The alcohol is working, at least. A smile on his face grows for no reason. Enough so that the woman beside him attempts to strike up a conversation, but he’s quick to deflect it when he pulls out his phone, scanning through news headlines to make himself seem busy. Although, the articles he begins to read through don’t hold his attention and eventually he closes out of the app, opening his messages out of habit instead. He scrolls to the bottom, back up, and then to the bottom once again, thinking he should clear some of them out. Hanyeol and Dowon can go. Kiyoung, too. All of his more recent interests and dates can. And he deletes them one by one, stopping only once he gets up to Taekwoon’s name.

Because there’s a pause, a physical twitch that forms an effortless frown. His finger lingers on the name as he contemplates what he should do. What he should really do. During this past week, it has taken everything out of Wonsik to stop himself from messaging Taekwoon immediately. Just because he has the means to doesn’t necessarily mean Taekwoon will want to hear from him. They hadn’t discussed it and Taekwoon hasn’t tried to contact him since. It hasn’t even been a full week since they last saw one another, had a few hours out, laughed together.

The thoughts make him wonder if Taekwoon is out tonight, if he’s gearing up to go home with someone, or if he’s doing something else—anything else entirely. He wonders if Taekwoon is still thinking about his past relationship with Chanwoo. Or if he possibly ever thinks about him during nights like this. Probably not.

The bartender asks if he wants another drink, but he turns it down, knowing he should stop now. He’s not drunk, but he’s influenced, he’s tipsy, if even just a little bit. The feelings won’t last long with the dinner he just consumed, but there’s a relieving factor to the tingles, the weightlessness. However, with the refusal comes his check—the first sign of an ending to this meal. Sure, he can still sit here as long as he wants to, but more people will ultimately start piling in as the night goes on and he doesn’t want to deal with that. At the same time, though, he’s not ready to go back home.

He doesn’t want to go home alone.

This is where he continues, where he marvels over how Taekwoon does it. How he manages to find someone within a crowd who is interested in him, who is easy enough to win over. Wonsik looks around the filling bar and already becomes overwhelmed and disheartened. He snickers to himself as he looks down, turning his body back to face forward. One night stands really aren’t for him and probably won’t ever be. He’s definitely learned that by now. That is, if his experiences with Taekwoon and recent dates have taught him anything. Then again, he doesn’t consider his nights with Taekwoon to be like that anymore. He doesn’t know how to classify them these days.

And the more he thinks about the past memories, he remembers the good over the bad. Because he wants to experience more of those times. Especially right now. Sex isn’t anywhere as important as the company he craves. Something Taekwoon has always been able to provide.

There’s hesitancy, but the alcohol definitely takes the edge off. His fingers move smoothly, easily, typing out the most basic message he can think of.

 _‘Are you out tonight? Want to meet up?’_ 8:33 PM

Ten minutes pass and Wonsik simply stares at the message, going back and forth on if he regrets sending it in the first place, but it’s too late to think about that. There’s no going back now. He’s smiling sadly as he gazes at the text one last time. Thinking, he truly is pathetic.

 

The snow showers have already cleared from the sky when he leaves the bar. Going for a long walk isn’t something he’s done in a while, but it feels right to at this moment. The air is crisp and nice while his mind is foggy and unable to concentrate on much of anything. Whatever this is, it’s a nice break, a nice takeaway after the events of this week. The library is already closed as he passes the large academic building, but he doesn’t think he’d go in even if he could. Being outside seems to be the best for him. He’s able to take in his surroundings and enjoy the soft crunch of his boots pressing into the fresh layer of snow sticking to the sidewalks.

He’s unsure of how much time has gone by when he manages to stop. He seems to have wandered into an area he no longer recognizes and concludes it might be best to just turn around. Whether he wants to or not, he’ll have to head home eventually. His coat pocket gets unzipped and he lifts his phone out in front to pull up a map. There are a few seconds where he idly blinks, focusing his eyes on the time reading 10:10 PM.

His steps are heavier as he works his way back. Only now is he starting to feel the effects of being out this long in the cold. His ears have gone numb, fingers reddened from the chills. He can almost hear Jaehwan scolding him for this, for increasing his own chances of getting sick, and eventually spreading it over. This has happened multiple times. He and Jaehwan have been sick at the same time in at least three instances in the past. The past years. Almost four years.

There’s a vibration from within his coat that takes a few buzzes to grab his attention. Maybe it’s due to his low expectations or draining energy, but seeing a message from Taekwoon show up as a notification still stuns him, still causes his legs to stop moving.

 _‘your place?’_ 10:28 PM

 _‘I’m not home right now, but I will be soon.’_ 10:29 PM

 _‘that’s fine’_ 10:31 PM

They’re both vague, but Wonsik’s not going to risk asking for more. His heartbeat that has only recently slowed is now quickening again. He didn’t anticipate this would be so… Simple.

 

Another half an hour goes by before his apartment is within view. His eyes scan the area, lit brightly by just a few light posts out front, but he doesn’t see anyone standing there. A small frown takes over his face once he gets in closer, providing the slightest increase of clarity to the picture. There really is no one around.

A visible puff is released alongside a forced sigh. He looks back once more before unlocking the front door. Instantly, his body is relieved by the heat from within the lobby. His fingers bend slowly just a few times, but are still too cold to fully feel.  

“Wonsik.”

He immediately jolts, turning only his head back to see tall, slim legs leading up to a large black coat before focusing on the familiar eyes he has long fallen for. His lips curve, but he can’t seem to control the rest of his emotional expression as he starts, tone light and voice small, “Hey.” He’s confused and speechless as Taekwoon gradually steps in closer. “How… Did you manage to get in here?”

There’s a shrug out of Taekwoon that only seems to come through from the ruffled movements within his coat. His eyes gaze back towards the doors as he responds, “Some couple let me in.”

“Ah,” Wonsik releases, relief seemingly spreading throughout. He’s finally able to relax slightly from the sudden tenseness. “Were you waiting long?”

Taekwoon shakes his head softly. “Only a few minutes,” he notes, pointing behind him towards one of the few chairs that are placed within the lobby for visitors.

Their eyes connect when Taekwoon looks up once more. The urge to embrace this man before him is so strong, to hold him, to take in his support, and Wonsik finds himself stiff yet again. His utter silence creates a pause that seems exceptionally long, but thankfully, Taekwoon breaks it soon enough.

“Should we go up? You look cold,” he suggests while glancing down at Wonsik’s colorful hands.

“Um—yeah, that’s—,” Wonsik curls his fingers into a fist. “Let’s take the elevator up.”

 

He’s astonishingly calmer than imagined, but not in a way that feels right. His eyes close momentarily as he pushes the door to his apartment open. To him, the mood inside has a dramatically different feeling than it used to. The emptiness, the coldness, and the overall hollowness seems to radiate throughout. It’s obvious with just one step through the door. He wonders if Taekwoon can feel it too, if he notices anything is off.

Wonsik drapes their heavy coats up on a few hooks hanging off the closet door as Taekwoon waits quietly beside him. He can tell Taekwoon is looking around. If he senses something is out of place, he doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, he walks into the living room as if this is a setting where he’s already very comfortable. And to Wonsik, that helps keep himself at ease.

“Thanks for coming,” Wonsik starts, but he doesn’t feel too confident with his words. “I hope you weren’t busy when I messaged you.”

This causes him to catch Taekwoon smiling for the first time since they met up just minutes ago. “Your text woke me up.”

His tone was in a joking manner, but Wonsik still takes it to heart. The idea of Taekwoon napping during the evening is one difficult to place. Then again, the image of Taekwoon actually getting himself restful sleep is one that Wonsik softens at. “I’m sorry—I had no idea.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he’s quick to deflate the concern. Wonsik takes just a few steps into the living room and Taekwoon is already reaching a hand out towards him. Only another second passes, but he’s not quick enough to react. Taekwoon has formed a firm grip on his arm as he fully leans himself against Wonsik’s side. “I still do okay on little sleep.”

He wants to turn, to fall into the sudden warmth that’s overtaking him, but he’s still too slow, too deep into this consuming daze. Taekwoon steps before him, releasing his hold, and arms come up, smoothly, but not too quick. There’s a drawn moment where their eyes lock, their gazes intensify. Taekwoon’s the first to break, dropping his focus and readily moving in, tilting his head just as Wonsik’s hands finally react. He sees this, all the motions, all the beauty, and his eyes shut the very moment their lips meet together.

They’re not gentle, but at the same time nothing rough. Plentiful and potent. Wonsik’s hands merely placed on Taekwoon’s waist almost feels lacking. With kisses like these, standing in the middle of the living room like this doesn’t seem quite right. Yet, he doesn’t know what would be right in this situation. Because, at least to him, there is one thing that he can’t ignore, that is exceptionally obvious.

He pulls back, exhaling softly, “You’ve been drinking.”

“So have you…,” Taekwoon rebuttals quietly, cracking into a grin. “We always meet at bars. Why does it matter?”

There’s a quickened silence as Wonsik ponders on that thought. A pause that is long enough for Taekwoon to easily break through.

“And your nose is still so cold,” he adds with a heightened curl to his lips.

Wonsik dips his head slightly, not expecting an ending comment like that. “Sorry, I was out for a while,” his voice becomes light, but he doesn’t allow it to fully distract him from his most prominent concerns right now. Taekwoon’s breath isn’t as pungent as the time in Jinho’s bar, but Wonsik could still taste it, still take in the aroma. “Are you drunk?”

Taekwoon’s smile only gets bigger. “No, are you? You’re almost acting weird as if you are.”

“No—I’m—I’m fine now. I feel sober already.” There’s a hum out of Taekwoon that lifts Wonsik’s gaze back towards him. They’re staring at one another again, Taekwoon’s expression softening into just small, lax curves to his eyes and lips. If his goal with this look is to distract Wonsik, to take him away, it’s almost working. Almost. “Didn’t you just recently wake up, though?” Wonsik follows with, taking note of how his hair is styled nicely and clothes are fresh.

“Yeah,” he exhales shortly. “I had some food and a few shots. You know, to loosen up.”

Taekwoon’s hand presses warmly against his face, caressing his jaw before going up through his hair, only to stop again with fingers sprawled behind his ear.  

The touch is nice, is drawing him in, but it’s not enough to stop Wonsik from thinking about how they both have done the exact same thing this evening. Because he does know, he does understand, even if he doesn’t know the full extent of Taekwoon’s reasonings. “Are you alright?” He follows with, lowly and direct.

“Me?” Taekwoon starts with the smallest snicker. “You’re the one who showed up freezing like an icicle.”

Wonsik holds their gaze, allowing himself just a few seconds of silence, of slipping into a trance where he becomes lost within the firmness of Taekwoon’s eyes. He’s not alright, but he wants to be. He just doesn’t know how to right now.

Taekwoon’s clever, though. Bright, enchanting. “I can help you warm up, if you’d like,” he offers softly.

 

They’re kissing again the moment the door to his bedroom closes behind them. Not that it matters—no one else is going to walk through the door—no one else lives here anymore. Taekwoon is quick to lead them, to take control when Wonsik doesn’t have the energy to. The feelings remind him of their first night together, of their quick, stumbling feet urged from this fresh heat being created between them. He urges Wonsik down on the bed just like before—climbing above him in the same fashion. The only difference is that he’s slower, gentler, more familiar.

And Wonsik sees all of this, understands the small differences, the subtle changes between their interactions that have brought them here. Here acting in the way they are. He tries to count, to put a number to the amount of times they have done this already, but he can’t focus enough. His mind is too preoccupied, concentrating on his hands which hold Taekwoon’s hips as they press down against his own.

The motion elicits a moan to fill the air. One he starts, but one Taekwoon’s warm voice adds to. His eyes open against the sound, looking up only to see Taekwoon’s ever stunning pair gazing intently back towards his own. This really does feel like their first time. Yet, there’s one thing he doesn’t have to ask. He already knows.

“Taekwoon,” he ends up whispering unintentionally, but doesn’t regret it. His eyes close after another second, after Taekwoon reacts, leaning in more and letting their breaths mingle as their lips catch once again.

His body releases the same response as it always does, feeding off the undeniable spark, and allowing this burn to take over, to spread everywhere. This intense euphoric surge caused by these deep kisses, this remarkable intimacy.

These meaningless kisses, this meaningless intimacy.

And the worst part is how real this feels, how deceiving it actually is. Wonsik wants to believe, wants to hope and wish and beg for this affection, this passion, Taekwoon provides him with to be pure, to be derived and brought upon from the true feelings he has for him. But he knows they’re not. They’re not special—Wonsik’s not special. Taekwoon does this with other men consistently and Wonsik has simply blinded himself from the truth.

He thinks about it as his emotions revolving around Taekwoon swirl and pick up speed. He thinks about all the months that have gone by since their initial meeting and even before that. When he broke up with Joonhyun, when he broke up with Minhyuk. He thinks about the good within their relationships before the crashes, the fun, the joy, and the times together that he has always held close, has always valued so much. Because that’s what he wants. That’s what he needs. That’s what Jaehwan has been telling him this entire time.

He’s made himself slip, fall so far down, only to struggle like this. Yet, he still doesn’t believe Taekwoon is a bad person. He’s not really, he doesn’t think. At least from what Wonsik knows. The little he knows. But it’s Wonsik’s fault for getting so invested, for letting his feelings take over and deter him from what he really wants, for allowing his and Jaehwan’s relationship to crumble from within the mess. And he knew this. He’s known this since the very beginning.

Even after all of that, he still messaged Taekwoon from the bar tonight, still let him come in, is still in bed with him right now.

There’s no farther he can fall because he’s already hit the bottom. He has to be done—he’s done.

His hands drag up Taekwoon’s body, stopping at his shoulders, and push—push up and away. “I—I really don’t want to do this,” he admits, tone frail and much lighter than he wants it to be.

Taekwoon is quick to stop, to pull a softened look of confusion as he stares, and he sits himself back down on Wonsik’s lower half. “Then… What would you like to do?”

He doesn’t know—he really doesn’t know. Part of him wants to laugh, to at least scoff at himself, but he can’t. He can’t manage anything more than a small smile. A small, sad smile. “Scream? Cry? Break things?” he lists, ignoring the quiver within his voice as his emotions bubble up through him. “God—I don’t know.”

His fingers that have fallen still gently hold onto Taekwoon’s arms. He should drop them, but he’d be lying if he told himself he didn’t appreciate the slightest amount of support the touch offers. Taekwoon’s expression remains lost, baffled in a slightly devastated way. He’s seen this look before, but tries not to focus on its cause. Taekwoon merely whispers, “Why?”

And Wonsik’s ready to respond to this question, ready to let it out. Finally, he scoffs through his weak smile. “I’m so fucking pathetic.”

“Wonsik, you’re not pathetic,” Taekwoon’s quick to object.

“Fine, then I’m pitiful. I’m depressing, I’m careless—I’m stupid,” he continues, rolling his head towards the side to avoid Taekwoon’s widening eyes.

“You’re not.”

“I am,” he assures, knowing full well. “I’m messing everything up—I’m causing all this shit to fail.”

“You’re not,” Taekwoon repeats, a little heavier.

But nothing he can say will be convincing enough. He shuts his eyes. “I am.”

There’s a short, unforgiving silence that takes over. Wonsik follows his own breaths, unsteady and unfulfilling, but he keeps getting distracted from listening to Taekwoon’s similarly shaky ones that echo. Yet, his voice is still somewhat smooth, somewhat tender when words come out. “No, Wonsik,” Taekwoon begins again, taking in another deep breath before continuing. “No, you’re not.”

Wonsik doesn’t even allow the words to linger within his thoughts. Taekwoon can’t change his mind. Not right now. Not about this. The lack of a response seems to slow everything down. He isn’t talking, isn’t even looking, and it’s not long before he feels Taekwoon’s weight shift off from above him and over to the side of the mattress. He’s still there, just out of reach, and Wonsik feels like that might be the best place for him to be right now.

Another quiet minute goes by. Wonsik’s breathing a little bit easier, but there’s still a restlessness within the air. He almost expected Taekwoon to keep talking, to keep on fighting with him with his cocky banter, his smiles, his sex appeal, his expert ways of winning Wonsik over. Yet, nothing. His eyes open back up, gazing towards the side until he can find the strength to turn his neck. And once he does, he simply sees Taekwoon sitting there with his knees just bent off the edge of the bed, his own expression casting downwards, and Wonsik doesn’t know what to make of the sight.

But he wonders. He wonders if this is another side of Taekwoon he should believe. He can’t tell, but at the same time, even after all he has already said and accepted within himself, he still doesn’t like seeing Taekwoon defeated like this. So, with a low tone, one low enough to draw Taekwoon’s attention back towards himself, he asks, “How can you be so sure that I’m not?”

Taekwoon’s lips hint a smirk, but it’s gone as quickly as it lasted. Instead, there is simply another pause. His eyes drift away, only to return a moment later, and a falling expression takes over as he admits, lightly, “I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”

This has Wonsik sitting up a little, pushing himself until he can lean his back on the pillows resting against the headboard. He truly doesn’t understand. “What do you mean by that?”

Taekwoon’s gaze turns away yet again, but this time he seems much more at ease. His voice is still delicate as he explains, softly, “You’re strong, Wonsik. You’re smart and courageous. You’re sweet and you’re caring.”

Nice words—compliments, if that’s how Wonsik wants to take them in. He can’t just yet, though.

“That’s what I see.”

Wonsik scoffs once more in a way that’s uncalled for, but one he can’t help within this moment. “Alright.”

And he’s not prepared for it. For the curve of Taekwoon’s smile mixed with the sudden glint of hopelessness that forms from the darkness of his eyes.

Another reply doesn’t come since Wonsik isn’t quick enough to process all Taekwoon is trying to get across. And he still wants to speak, to say something positive within this souring atmosphere, but when he looks up, he sees Taekwoon shifting his legs until his feet brush the floor. There’s a noticeable increase in his pulse, a spike, and his insides are fast to react to this movement, but his mind is still too behind to form words.

The look held within Taekwoon’s expression is confusing. His lips fall open as if he’s in the same speechless position Wonsik holds, but then his brows scrunch, eyes shut just momentarily through the slightest shake of his head, and he stands beside the bed, leaving Wonsik alone within the center, and steps out of the room.

Wonsik tilts his view, watching enough until he can see that the bathroom door across the hall is still open, the room still darkened from the lack of light. Taekwoon’s quiet, but it’s only once he hears the slight creak of the closet in the other room that he forces his body off the bed.

His fatigued, tired body. His body that has already taken him so far today, this entire week, and only wants rest, but he’s not letting it, not allowing it. Taekwoon’s by the front door, leaning down to fit his feet back into his shoes, his own black coat slung over his arm. “Where are you going?”

Surprisingly, Wonsik’s heartbeat doesn’t get louder, crazier than it already is. Taekwoon doesn’t look back behind him as he responds, hurriedly, “Out—I guess.”

This is different. This is very different from the time Taekwoon left in a rush before. He’s moving quickly, but he’s not pushing Wonsik back. He’s not even attempting to. But it wouldn’t matter since Wonsik’s not thinking, not even considering any of that right now. Because Taekwoon’s not really running away this time, he’s merely running out, and Wonsik has no hesitation as he follows. He grabs his coat, his keys, and easily meets Taekwoon again down the hall before the elevator.

“Taekwoon,” he calls once they’re both standing on opposite sides of the elevator. “Do you need me to get you a cab? I can come with you if—”

But he’s cut off. “You’re too much,” Taekwoon says in return. “I just want some fresh air.”

That hushes him immediately, quieting the small space they occupy completely, and Wonsik’s panicked adrenaline becomes more obvious. “I’ll join you—if—that’s okay?”

“Yeah,” Taekwoon replies after a drawn moment. Short and sweet, without much emotion.

 

His weakened leg muscles ache as he steps back outside. The coldness he had gotten so used to feels new once again. Chilling even when his warm coat gets zipped up all the way. He watches as Taekwoon preforms the same motions, huffs warm breaths into the air, and walks. Walks to somewhere unknown. And Wonsik is quick to keep up, to stay by his side.

Jaehwan’s voice echoes within his mind. Those same warnings and red flags—questioning his trust with Taekwoon. He wonders where they are going, if he should stop, if he’s actually being led somewhere bad. If this is another terrible idea.

But with one good look at Taekwoon’s expression, Wonsik can’t believe any of them. He appears too concentrated, too deep within his own thoughts, and maybe Wonsik is stupid, but Taekwoon is the one who just called him smart back in his bedroom. Because instead he’s becoming worried—wondering what exactly has caused this to happen. Things were fine—Taekwoon was fine. That is, before Wonsik pushed him away.

They’re already a couple blocks down from his apartment when he finally lowers his voice yet again, leaning himself in just slightly to ask, “Is it because I stopped us?”

But Taekwoon doesn’t spare a glance. His soften face remains unchanged. “No, I’m… Frustrated.”

“With me?” Wonsik follows, desperately wanting to narrow down the possible causes.

“Not really,” he returns, finally breaking and momentarily catching Wonsik’s gaze.

Another cool breeze rushes through the air, and Wonsik merely waits the few seconds for their surroundings to calm, but he almost doesn’t have the patience anymore. Taekwoon may have responded, but he didn’t actually answer anything, didn’t give any other hints. And Wonsik wants so badly to know. He wants so badly to understand Taekwoon for once. “What’s wrong?”

“I told you, I just wanted to go out.”

They keep on walking, going in the opposite direction from where Wonsik was not even thirty minutes ago. “For what reason?”

Taekwoon quiets just like before and Wonsik can tell he’s still going through his own thoughts by the upsetting look forming his face. It’s difficult to concentrate on, to simply let be, but Wonsik doesn’t know how to help, if there is anything he can do to help. He means to talk, to say anything, but Taekwoon beats him to it. Asking something so out of the blue, so random, that Wonsik’s left shocked. “How many months has it been since your breakup?”

“Um…,” he releases involuntarily, stopped in his tracks by this change of subject, and taking his time to count, recount, and then eventually give up, providing only a quick estimate. “Like, close to ten months now?”

Taekwoon doesn’t even seem to notice just how much he has thrown Wonsik off as he continues with another. “Why do you think so lowly of yourself?”

Wonsik forces out a rather large breath, watching as it dissipates within the air before going on. “Because,” he begins, knowing at least this is a question he’s prepared for. “Everything… Feels like—nothing I’ve been doing has been going well. I can’t hold anything steady and all I’m doing is losing more people because of it.”

“But how can you tell yourself you’re all of those things when you’re still trying not to be?” Taekwoon’s looking at him this time, eyes widened with curiosity mixed with something else, and Wonsik presses his lips together as he focuses his mind. He believes Taekwoon is referring to all he had called himself back in the bedroom, but even still, he can’t say he truly realizes where this is going.

Eventually, Taekwoon lulls his head forward again and Wonsik questions, softly, “What?”

“You’re trying. You’re putting in the effort to continue on,” he clarifies in a tone just as faint.

And Wonsik’s lost. “What are—”

“—I mean, if you’re the pathetic one, then what does that make me?” Taekwoon blurts out before he can continue. It’s rhetorical, Wonsik wants to believe. But he isn’t following, simply isn’t understanding one bit of this any longer.

“Taekwoon,” he calls, waiting to continue until their gazes meet again. Asking slowly, asking while putting his hands out in front of him as if that will help, will serve as a signal that he desperately needs more clarification. “What are you talking about?”

Taekwoon only gives a harsh sigh, letting his eyes drift away. “You’re nothing like me.”

“What do you mean?” Wonsik nearly has to beg at this point.

And he can already feel Taekwoon’s response before it even passes through his lips. The moment quiets into just the background sounds of people chattering against the music from shops playing loudly into the streets as they pass. Wonsik lets his attention fall, focusing down on the concrete path they are aimlessly following, afraid, but accepting. He’s waiting and waiting, ready to hear it, to feel the drop in his chest when the word is spoken. But it’s not heard. Nothing is said. Not an answer and not a ‘pass’ like Wonsik has been gearing himself up for.

With one more glance at Taekwoon, his expression is similar to the last look he held in Wonsik’s bedroom before turning away. It’s complex and troubled. So much so that Wonsik can hardly read him. He appears focused on his own. But then their eyes connect and Wonsik finally sees something he understands. Something within Taekwoon’s so closely held in vulnerabilities that shines through. He knows because it’s something he’s very used to. Because in this moment, Taekwoon looks… So pained.

Wonsik can only whisper, “If you’re out here thinking you’re the pathetic one of the two of us, then you’re going to have to do a lot to convince me that.”

His words seem to stun Taekwoon as his pace falters just for a quickened moment, but Wonsik is able to adjust smoothly in order to stay right by his side. “It won’t be too hard,” he responds, almost confidently, almost sadly.

“Try me.”

There’s a subtle curve to Taekwoon’s lips and Wonsik sees that as some form of a win. At least he’s smiling, even if just a little bit. They turn down another corner with no succeeding words. It’s only once they both tilt their heads towards one another again that Wonsik raises a brow and Taekwoon scoffs, “What are you waiting for me to say?”

“Anything you want to tell me,” the words flow seamlessly. Taekwoon looks up, then down, then straight ahead again with another sigh. Whatever is going on in his head, he’s struggling with it. Wonsik’s never been one to push, but the strain on his insides over this conversation feels tighter and tighter. He wants to help, he wants Taekwoon to talk to him—to trust him. So maybe, he thinks, he’ll start there. “You still don’t trust me enough, do you?”

And Taekwoon’s quick with the response this time. “I don’t trust most people. You shouldn’t take it personally.”

Unlike when Kiyoung said something similar during one of their last dates, he does. He does take this personally now. But at the same time, he understands. At least, he should. He would think after having two people in a row break his trust that there would be more hesitancy, more obvious fear, but things just don’t feel that way with Taekwoon. Maybe they have more in common than he initially thought. And that brings him back to Chanwoo.

He wonders what the man must have been like. What kind of love did they have? Is he the cause of this additional layer of caution? Did he break Taekwoon’s trust after nearly ten years together? Yet, Wonsik holds himself back like he always does with Taekwoon. There’s too much uncertainty with just how far he can be pushed. At some points, Taekwoon seems very strong and unbreakable, but at other times he appears closed off and fragile.

So maybe, maybe, he can give in. He can ask one of his questions and hope, hope that it’s not true. There’s a lump in his throat, a physical reflex attempting to stop him, to save himself for when this all goes horribly wrong, but it still comes out anyway. It comes out because Wonsik’s tired. His mind is tired. His body is tired. His heart is tired. “Were you cheated on as well?” He asks softly, thinking back at all the times Taekwoon has questioned him on this topic in the past.

His eyes close for a moment before he looks at the continuous sidewalk reaching on before him, before them. There’s no regret, and that somehow causes Wonsik to feel relieved. That is, until Taekwoon’s familiar voice calls his attention back.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Ah,” he releases without much other thought, only reformulating his curiosities. “That’s good, then.”

But he hears a snicker, followed by words that Taekwoon just spits out. “That would have been preferred.”

This time, Wonsik’s the one who slows his steps. He looks over as Taekwoon passes him, as he keeps on walking. He can’t possibly—he truly doesn’t— “What?”

Taekwoon stops from that, finally turning his head to watch as Wonsik sprints to close their distance like before. “Am I convincing you yet?”

He’s smiling as if he’s about to laugh, but Wonsik is still in shock from what Taekwoon had just said. “No, of course not,” Wonsik outright responds.

And that seems to aggravate Taekwoon even more—at least—it feels like it. Because the two of them are alone on this long path, far past the crowded part of town, the bustling bars and nightlife where most tend to spend their weekends out. There are only a few people around in this area they have wandered to. It’s just dark and cold and Wonsik wonders where exactly they were even headed in the first place, if anywhere at all. Taekwoon’s not yelling, not quite shouting, but his voice is rougher. “In a few more months, it will be two years since Chanwoo left. Nearly two full years and I haven’t moved on. I haven’t tried to. I don’t even know how to,” he starts, and Wonsik is left stunned, speechless yet again. “You’re trying, Wonsik. You want to move on.”

Somehow, hearing this tone of voice only reminds him of Jaehwan. But he retaliates, “You think I know what I’m doing?”

“You’re trying,” Taekwoon repeats, pushing his same words a little deeper, as if to prove a point.

A point Wonsik still doesn’t understand. “I’m consistently failing.”

“But are you still in love with your ex?”

This is where Wonsik takes an extra moment, where he allows this useless back and forth to quiet, for his brain to think logically, for him to not even be able to recollect the last time he thought of Joonhyun in that type of way. “I don’t… Think I am anymore.”

And there it is, that look from Taekwoon he’s already seen multiple times tonight. It’s so obvious, so clear. He’s smiling through his sadness as he gazes up at Wonsik. “I’m glad.”

Somehow that feels like a stab within his chest. The desire to pull Taekwoon in against him is strong, so strong and so urgent, but there’s that hesitancy, that fear. He doesn’t want Taekwoon to push him away again, to shove him aside and run. So, like before, he stands there, unable to react in any way he wants to.

He’s known this information, known Taekwoon is still in love with Chanwoo, knows that losing someone after so long must hurt more than anything. Chanwoo left, he says. He left. Left where? Why would him cheating have been better? Why would Taekwoon say such a thing?

“Chanwoo…,” he starts, but hasn’t formed the rest of his thought out fully yet. The name still successfully grabs Taekwoon’s attention, though. “Why would you have preferred he cheated on you?”

And Taekwoon’s voice is still quiet, still light. “Then I would at least understand.”

His head rolls to the side, allowing his half-lidded eyes to focus on Taekwoon, on his puzzling expression. “Understand what?”

“Why he left me.”

“You don’t know?” Wonsik continues with, furrowing his brows, but Taekwoon doesn’t glance back at him.

He just keeps staring straight ahead, straight through the darkened roadside. The fresh snow from earlier has been dirtied, shoveled into mounds against the curbs. It’s not even pretty looking anymore, but somehow, it seems fitting. “Not really, no,” Taekwoon says within a slight gust of chilling wind.

Wonsik exhales firmly, smiling slightly if out of nothing but mutual understanding. At least, he can sympathize with that. But his lips drop once Taekwoon continues, once he begins again on his own without Wonsik prompting him to.

“He was just gone.”

Wonsik simply blinks, thinking of too many scenarios to be able to focus on the one that makes the most sense. He whispers, incoherently, “Did he… Did he pass?”

That question causes Taekwoon to smile this time, although, it’s not a genuine one. “No, he’s still alive somewhere. He’s just not here anymore.”

“What happened?”

It’s a question he had asked months ago and one Taekwoon shut down immediately. But in this moment, nothing feels like it used to. Wonsik’s own emotions are shoved away right now. He’s not thinking about Jaehwan, about his own misfortunes, about anything that has happened recently, because his focus is elsewhere. It’s on Taekwoon. On Taekwoon who is opening up to him, sharing personal stories and information that he didn’t feel comfortable enough telling Wonsik in the past.

Because it’s so engaging, so exciting, so relieving. Even if the truth is painful, even if hearing Taekwoon’s words hurt him, anger him from the inside out. Even if Wonsik is left absolutely speechless.

“I came home from work and he was gone. Our shared apartment was half empty when it was full only the night before. So, I don’t know why he left. He had messaged me earlier in the day to pick up something on my way home. It was onions or garlic or something like that, so I did. But it seemed it was just a ploy to buy him more time. It worked, though. Because when I got home, he wasn’t there. And I… Haven’t heard from him or seen him since.”

The ringing of Wonsik’s heartbeat through his ears is nearly overwhelming. It’s almost making him rethink what he just heard, but he knows Taekwoon’s voice was clear. His entire body is reacting. Fists forming, blood rushing, and his breathing comes and goes faster, fuller.

This doesn’t stop Taekwoon from continuing on. “It was planned. I’m not sure for how long, though. We did have an argument two or so months earlier about renewing our lease or if we were going to change apartments. I didn’t care either way, but he kept pushing it off and I got so frustrated because I didn’t understand why.” He then pauses, tilting his head when Wonsik notices a change in his tone, in his emotions, his demeanor. “It’s not like we didn’t search for him—or—I didn’t search for him. I asked so many people, reached out to his friends, his family, anyone I could think of, but most ignored me or were also gone. I heard his parents had moved to America a month prior and then with that information I was able to find him online to be living in New Jersey now. It’s not that—I guess—it all just happened so quickly and I was clueless as to what was going on and why. I mean… Things were good. We weren’t perfect, but… We were in love.”

 

Pain. It’s been said pain makes one stronger, but Wonsik sometimes wonders just how long it takes before that effect is supposed to kick in. He looks at Taekwoon, watches his wavering expression as he seems to be reeling through the moments, the memories, the sadness that has morphed into the burn of his day to day. Physical pain heals on its own—human bodies are smart like that—clotting and sewing shut wounds to stop the bleeding, to ease the sting and begin the healing process. But this type of pain, mental and emotional pain—it lingers. Months, years pass and the immediate effects are calmed and suppressed with time, but the feelings from those raw moments never go away. They show their light less and less, but are never forgotten, never untied from the pain that goes hand in hand with them. Maybe it’s the process of climbing over that point which makes one strong, he wonders. Is it a natural occurrence or is there a hidden component that must be found first?

He didn’t understand Taekwoon’s prior back and forth, but now he feels like he does so much better. This is just his way of coping, of pushing himself in a stronger direction even when the pain still simmers, is still in danger of surfacing, of boiling over.

Because if Taekwoon’s goal was to let the nighttime darkness disguise his tears, it’s not working. The twinkling moonlight and the street posts only aid in drawing attention to his glossy eyes. Wonsik can see them clearly, a silent tear or two falling slowly down his face, leaving an illuminated stream against his skin. He stares at them even when Taekwoon attempts to turn away, to hide them from view, but he doesn’t falter. Part of him hates that Taekwoon is so pained to tears right now, but another part doesn’t want to stop him, doesn’t want to interrupt this moment. He knows he can’t fix Taekwoon’s problems, he can’t immediately fly all the way over to America to scream senselessly at a man he has never met, but he still wants to, still wants to be here for him, to help him through this in any way he possibly can. And right now, the best form of action may be to stay like this, to remain by his side to let him know that it’s okay, that he’s not alone. At least—not anymore.

Wonsik can’t exactly explain how he’s feeling right now—what exactly it is. He just knows it’s not numbness because there’s too much. His mind is buzzing, flashing with new thoughts and questions and urges. They have walked in some form of a circle, he can tell. Passing an auto-repair shop with large yellow neon signs that he knows he just saw from the other side not too long ago. His ears sting slightly, freezing once again from his carelessness, from staying out in this coldness for far longer than necessary for a second time tonight. His hands are still warm, at least, shoved within his coat pockets. But he removes one, gazing off at Taekwoon’s softened profile, and lets his knuckles gently brush against Taekwoon’s.

He isn’t sure what to expect, if anything at all, but chilled fingers fold delicately around his own, and he holds onto them. A few more silent seconds pass, and he leans in, whispering familiar words into Taekwoon’s ear in hopes of something, anything. “Two men holding hands at night is… A little scandalous, don’t you think?”

Taekwoon turns his head. His emotional expression is still there, but a small, appreciative smile appears, and Wonsik can’t help but momentarily mimic it. That is, until Taekwoon’s gaze drops down to their hands and his lips part well before he finally releases, lightly, “He never held my hand.”

“Well—,” Wonsik pauses following a shaken exhale, trying hard not to think too much about that right now. He rearranges his grip, tightening his hold even just slightly, and follows with, lowly, “I’ve got you.”

 

Just like before they had met up, Wonsik’s not completely sure where he has wandered off to. All he knows is that they are headed back in the direction from which they came. They’re reaching the more populated parts of town during the night. More lights, more people, and more noises to drown all of his thoughts out. He hopes the same for Taekwoon. Shoulders keep bumping and their connected hands get caught in between them as they weave through groups of people and hordes of drunks playing around in the alleyways. Wonsik sees them looking, sees a girl notice their hands and pull a face, two men pause mid-conversation to snarl, but Taekwoon has no reaction. And honestly, neither does Wonsik. If what Taekwoon said about Chanwoo earlier is true, there’s no way Wonsik’s letting go now, not for something as small as this.

It feels like they have been walking forever, so much so that the cold doesn’t seem to bother him all that much anymore. His torso is hot underneath the heaviness of his coat and Taekwoon’s hand has warmed significantly since the moment he took hold of it. He simply assumes they are heading back towards his apartment, especially when Taekwoon points down a road and adds gently, “I think we need to go this way.”

The thought is in his mind, but he doesn’t go about questioning it right now, questioning why Taekwoon is also alright with this supposed plan. Maybe they’re both just tired. He’s ready to collapse.

That’s why it’s so relieving when his apartment building is in sight. His legs feel heavy, as if they have been doing nothing but dragging him along for the last forty minutes, and he struggles with getting the door to the building unlocked. Taekwoon is there, still by his side, still connected by their hands, and remembering that gives him some strength. There’s a shared smile between them when the lock clicks open and they waste no other time as they reach to call for the elevator.

Taekwoon could leave at any second, but he shows no signs of wanting to as he follows Wonsik up to his own door. This lock opens much easier than the last, causing a moment of satisfaction to flourish before his eyes gaze back up and into his apartment. Into the realization of what his home has truly become. No longer does it feel like a sanctuary and he’s hit with that sense the very second he steps inside. Thinking, this must be what Jaehwan was referring to.

Shoes come off while Taekwoon slips his hand free, but Wonsik is still too distracted by the atmosphere that he’s not too bothered. “Oh, wow,” he releases with a huffed exhale, shedding his coat and reaching out for Taekwoon’s to hang them up beside one another once again.

They share a look as Wonsik turns into the kitchen, placing his keys and phone down on the counter before immediately opening the refrigerator, and pours a new water bottle into two clean glasses. He knows Taekwoon may not want it, may not even drink it, but he still accepts it when the cup is handed over, and they both drop down on the couch in the center of the living room.

Neither have verbalized any true words since coming home, but Wonsik’s not really bothered. He leans his head back over the top of the couch before lulling his neck towards Taekwoon on the opposite end. Their eyes don’t meet—Taekwoon’s too focused again, too concentrated on the glass within his hands that he’s holding, but not drinking. Wonsik takes a small sip from his own, sighing out after the liquid goes down. His head hurts.

He bends his arm, holding out his open hand without much intention, and Taekwoon only stares at it. “Never, huh?” he questions thoughtfully, mainly to himself, but also knowing full well Taekwoon is listening.

And he gets a response. “Not in public, at least.”

He goes quiet this time, almost wishing he didn’t jokingly repeat Taekwoon’s words about it when they were walking. Although, he thinks he understands Taekwoon’s actions a bit better now, months later. “Why not?”

Taekwoon shifts his shoulders in a way that could almost come off as a shrug. “He was secretive about us. Not many people knew, so when we were out together we acted like friends.”

“Ah,” he breathes out, retracting his hand back to his side. The reasoning isn’t uncommon—one Wonsik’s quite used to. Most men he’s dated have been like that. Kiyoung is the first to come back to mind as well as Joonhyun.

“I never really cared since it didn’t stop us from being together. He would get upset when I drank, though.” A slight smile forms Taekwoon’s lips as his lashes drop with his falling gaze. “I guess I became touchier—I couldn’t help it.”

Wonsik frowns. He doesn’t know how to feel about Taekwoon expressing this type of information how he is. Because he’s… Sad. He’s sad for Taekwoon. He’s sad that he can still feel Taekwoon’s love for a man who has hurt him so badly. Wonsik flashes through multiple phases of being upset to downright angry as he sits on it. Sure, there are two sides to every story, but if Chanwoo left the way Taekwoon says he did, there’s no excuse that would make Wonsik side with his decision.  

Taekwoon’s expression drops once he catches sight of Wonsik’s. It’s a quick look, broken in a flash, and Taekwoon’s tone changes significantly. “I’m sorry—,” he suddenly releases, seemingly snapping himself out of the nostalgic moment.  

And Wonsik is fast to react, to sit himself up and shake his head. “No, it’s alright. I’m still listening.”

There’s a nod out of Taekwoon as he turns away, looking around while holding out his glass. Wonsik didn’t mean to come off as distant, and he hopes Taekwoon isn’t feeling regretful for sharing. He’s learned so much tonight. So much that he can’t fully digest just yet. His mind is so overwhelmed, his feelings unsettled for a multitude of reasons, and—

“Where did the table go?” Taekwoon asks, completely distracting Wonsik from his state of scrambled confusion.

Once again, Taekwoon completely throws him off his current thought process with that question. “Uh,” he begins, not quite ready to respond, but doing so anyway. “Jaehwan moved out. My—roommate.”

“Oh,” Taekwoon only makes a noise, continuing to glance around the room.

And Wonsik feels a frown forming as he witnesses this. With all that was happening with Taekwoon, his emotions revolving around Jaehwan have been suppressed. “Yeah.”

He blinks and Taekwoon’s eyes are set on him once again. They’ve widened and Wonsik’s not too sure how to read them. He almost appears worried. “Did something happen?”

Wonsik’s lips part momentarily, hovering open before they are shut again, before they curve into some sort of a smile. He glances away, caught off-guard, but not really. He knows Taekwoon doesn’t mean any harm. Wonsik has already cried in front of him before, felt pathetic within his presence, only to be comforted, and he really doesn’t want to show that side of himself anymore tonight. It’s been emotional for both of them already, it seems.

“We—um—have been kind of shaky for a little while now. Our lease is ending soon and he moved out early to stay with his girlfriend,” he admits. Not even considering lying, but not going into the specific details.

“Will you be moving?”

This is something Wonsik really hasn’t had time to deal with. He hasn’t thought about how he should move forward because he’s still working on accepting this new reality that has recently come to light. “I have no idea right now,” Wonsik sighs out, dropping his smile even when he doesn’t mean to, doesn’t really notice.

Taekwoon accepts that, taking in a few short seconds of their shared silence before following with, “Why don’t you ask that guy you’ve been seeing to move in? You said he lived far, right?”

Wonsik’s face quickly scrunches, but then he just laughs, causing Taekwoon to jump slightly in surprise. “No, not him. I called it off with him the very next day after I last saw you.”

The two of them share speechless looks before Wonsik blinks away.

He’s smiling again. Smiling because he doesn’t know how else to react and apparently neither does Taekwoon. “I didn’t feel much with him, so it probably wasn’t going to work out, anyway. I was actually really relieved once it was over…,” he starts, meaning to say more, but stops himself because he knows what Taekwoon will say if he continues. Encouraging words, but ones he’d rather not hear again. And even though they aren’t repeated, Wonsik still feels them, still allows his heart to burn a little from just the thoughts, the fear.

Maybe Taekwoon is picking up on his feelings, maybe not, but he doesn’t comment like he used to. “That might have been for the best, then,” is what he says, quietly. “I’m sure you will figure it out.”

Their eyes meet again and Wonsik is surprised by the look Taekwoon is sending him. His eyes are curved, smile small, yet prominent, and instead of being able to say anything else, he simply mirrors the expression. This is something they have done before. Smiled—laughed—together for seemingly no reason, but he’s not going to question it because it’s overtaking him. It’s that ability Taekwoon has, how easily just a look from him can calm Wonsik down, can change his entire perspective, make him feel that he really does have the strength to get through this.

 

“I should probably get going,” Taekwoon says not long after, glancing down at his phone.

It’s been such a long night—such a long day—that Wonsik’s jaw becomes slack when he sees the clock in his kitchen glowing 2:46 AM.

Taekwoon has followed him back towards the counter, handing him his untouched glass with a faint smile—as if he knows Wonsik still finds his behavior odd. But that doesn’t matter right now, Wonsik doesn’t care.

He becomes filled with emotions yet again. Taekwoon’s eyes are glowing as they look up into his own. Wonsik doesn’t know what to say and maybe Taekwoon doesn’t either because there isn’t much conversation as they stand by the entrance door. He attempts to assist Taekwoon with his coat, but a gentle hand pressed to his chest stops his every movement.   

“Thank you for coming,” he speaks anyway, tone tender and soft.

“You said that already.”

Wonsik stares. Stares at the man before him who causes him to feel so much. All he wants to do is thank him and apologize at the same time, ask him to stay. Instead, he simply exhales to relieve the pressure, allowing his gaze to fall in order to make this whole situation easier. “But I really mean it. Thank you.”

The quiet moment doesn’t last long, at least, not from the lack of words. Because Wonsik feels it before he sees it. He feels Taekwoon’s breath and his arms slide beneath Wonsik’s own to fold behind his back. He feels the press of warmth against his chest spread like a spark unleashing a low flame—contained, but still powerful. This time, thankfully, his body isn’t as slow with reacting as it was earlier in the night. Because no matter how he analyzes it, these actions have a much different feel.

He holds onto Taekwoon tightly, wishing his large coat wasn’t acting as an additional layer between them, but still takes in all he can. His eyes shut as he tilts his head against Taekwoon’s, listening to him breathe, and focusing on every sensation as he feels lips kiss gently beside his ear.

It’s hard to let go, but he does once Taekwoon pulls back. He’s somewhat flustered, somewhat dazed again, but Taekwoon’s softened expression captivates him entirely.

“Have a good night,” Taekwoon chimes slowly, almost uncertainly.

“You too,” he proceeds, regretfully dropping his hand from the light grasp held on Taekwoon’s arm.

The door shuts. And Wonsik doesn’t know why exactly, but he almost wants to cry.

 

 

The more days that go by, the less daunting coming home feels like. He’s become accustom to that hollow atmosphere his apartment gives off. Jaehwan still hasn’t contacted him for anything. He can’t say he’s surprised, but he’s not exactly numbed to it. Feelings revolving around him, around the situation in whole are there. Although, the more he thinks about them, the more accepting he’s becoming of his friend’s decision. He just wants Jaehwan to be happy, after all. If a break from him is what helps, then who is Wonsik to be opposed to that? He’s just upset. Upset and wishing Jaehwan went about it differently, but it’s too late to consume himself with those thoughts now.

He checks his finances one night after work. His lease ends in less than three months and he won’t have the money to keep this place if he remains alone. Jaehwan was kind enough in that sense. Money for the remaining time was deposited into his account to hold him over for now.

He remembers how frantic he was when Minhyuk moved out. A mess, Jaehwan later told him. Maybe, but he still did manage to find someone. He printed out flyers and posted them around campus, created pages online with information, and begged everyone he knew to ask their friends and friends of friends. Thinking back on it now, he wonders where the energy for all of that came from.

He’s much more relaxed today in comparison and he questions if that’s because this has happened before, if because this isn’t exactly a new experience for him. With the full time job he has, he shouldn’t actually need a roommate anymore like he did when he was still in school. But he has lived in this apartment for many years now. It’s his home. He thinks of it more as his home than his parent’s place back where he grew up. But maybe Jaehwan’s still right. Maybe he just has too many memories here.

It’s upsetting as he thinks, reels over it. Frustrating, actually. Jaehwan’s not even here anymore, but his sentiments still lean more towards truthful in Wonsik’s mind. He almost wants Jaehwan to be wrong, he wants himself to come out as the victor for once, he wants to be right, to prove he can make decisions on his own that are good ones.

 

Afternoon reading on his couch has turned into accidental napping. It’s like he’s taken one questionably unhealthy habit and only turned it into another. But it’s not the worst. He’s not at his worst. And he almost thinks he should be thanking Taekwoon for that. Well, thanking him more than he already has. He’s not sure how it happened, but Taekwoon did manage to calm him down, stop him from losing himself that night over a week ago now. He was ready to break then, to fall apart just like he’s done in the past, but he didn’t. It’s almost like he has successfully avoided the worst that felt bound to happen.

His energy to do any of that isn’t there. Or if it is, he’s somehow involuntarily choosing to conserve it for something else, something actually worth the effort. The time is only a little past 8:00 PM on a Tuesday evening as he goes over all of this again, sprawling his limbs out on the couch with an abandoned book he put down an hour ago open over his chest. This particular story is about a set of sisters who were orphaned when they were born and adopted by a French couple before they could even talk. They had apparently spent years trying to track down their biological parents back in a smaller Chinese metropolitan area, but had no luck. Wonsik’s only two chapters in with nine more to go, so he assumes the girls must have found them in the end if there is an entire book written about their journey. He just doesn’t feel like reading to that point. In fact, there’s something else he’d rather do instead.

He scrambles through his bedroom and packs up the remainder of books he still has checked out. Pulling the strings of his bag closed, he ties up his boots by the front door, and heads out. Despite the cold, there’s a surprising freshness to the air that is welcoming. He hasn’t gone out like this since seeing Taekwoon last, but Wonsik isn’t deterred. Flurries fall from rooftops with every gust and light glistens throughout the roads. It’s the same scene as usual. People everywhere, lining the streets like the time of day means nothing. Everyone is simply living their lives and Wonsik intends to do the same as he weaves through the crowds.

The library is in the process of closing once he arrives. Thankfully, he has no intention of actually going in. Students and faculty all exit through the building’s arched front doors and Wonsik turns towards the side where a lone drop off shoot sits against the wall. He empties his bag, pushing the books—some read, some not—through the slot until he has no more left. There’s a small part of him that is unhappy to return these now, but he knows he can always check them out again in the future if he really wants to. They just aren’t helping him anymore right now, they’re not keeping his attention, and he doesn’t feel like he’s learning anything new anymore with them. They have almost become a distraction. Well, maybe that’s all he ever intended them to be in the first place.

Either way, he slings his empty bag back over his shoulder and the immediate relieving pressure from the substantially decreased weight almost feels empowering. Like, even though what he just did was small, it was a good decision.

He stops once he makes it around to the main road. His elevated moment slowly sinks back down as he thinks about what he’s going to see when he goes back home. The same sights he’s seen for nearly two weeks now. Just because it’s no longer shocking doesn’t mean he feels any better about it. But he keeps on walking.

Taekwoon comes to mind again like he does so often these days. Wonsik doesn’t want to bother him—to message him—even if deep down that’s all he truly wants to do. He would like to talk with him and spend more time picking his brain rather than going home alone right now, but he’s not going to give in on those urges. Ever since the past weekend, they haven’t spoken. However, Wonsik’s still thinking about him constantly.

His head is jumbled, but he assumes that’s just a side effect. A quick glance at his phone reveals no new calls or messages, and he sighs as he looks down across the street, eventually opting to change his direction, to buy himself just a little more time out. There’s a bar in particular that he’s leading himself to. One where he hasn’t been in a long time, where he hasn’t felt like he should return to, but in this moment, the drawing push doesn’t allow those thoughts to prevail.

The metal door handle freezes his hand as he leans his weight on it, but once inside, he forgets the sensation entirely. There are far less people in here today opposed to the previous times Wonsik’s visited, but he doesn’t ponder on the observation for long, concluding that most people may not be out at bars on a normal Tuesday night like this.

The front side of the bar has a few open seats. Wonsik gazes down the row of a couple girls and three men cracking jokes and laughing along to their own discussions and personalities. He’s not interested in socializing in that sort of way right now. So, instead he turns down the left side of the counter, looking towards an area that is far from anyone else. A relieved exhale passes his lips as he steps around the others, but he’s nearly speechless when his eyes lock with another familiar pair behind the counter. Stern and commanding, but still showing his own sense of surprise within his entire expression.

“Hey, Wonsik,” Jinho calls in a kind tone, waving him over to a seat he wasn’t particularly heading to, but still one in the same general vicinity that he’s not left jarred. There’s only another older man sitting quietly two chairs to the right.

“Hey.” He sits down, placing his empty backpack against the floor by his feet. He doesn’t realize it at first, but remembering how Jinho couldn’t recall his name last time forms a small smile that holds even when he looks back up. “How have you been?”

It’s the kind of small talk that isn’t forced or bothersome, the kind that’s smooth and easy. Jinho seems to answer honestly, sighing before leaning his arms against the counter between them only to say it’s been a long and boring afternoon so far. And Wonsik agrees, briefly mentioning his work and small trip to the library to add to the friendly conversation.

“I owe you a drink,” Jinho reminds him as he reaches over to hand Wonsik their menu. “Just let me know what you want.”

He feels his reactions are quite slow again as his fingers take the laminated sheet. For some reason, getting a drink wasn’t the first thing on his mind, let alone remembering being owed one. “Ah, thank you.”

Jinho seems to take note of his mild confusion, jumping a single eyebrow before reaching down, fiddling his hands with something out of Wonsik’s view. “Thank you for getting him home.”

A light scoff isn’t intentional, but comes out anyway before he simply whispers to himself, “Home?” Jinho’s glancing at him again when he looks back up, his eyes just as sharp and intimidating as he remembers them being. There’s no question as to if he heard Wonsik’s mutters or not, so he doesn’t hold back. “Is that what he told you?”

But Jinho looks back down, a smile taking over his sure expression. “No, he told me he accidentally passed out at your place then had some sort of a breakdown the next morning because his family thought something had happened to him when he didn’t come back home,” he chuckles lightly under his breath.

Being socially adaptive is a quality many bartenders grow to have, Wonsik reminds himself. Jinho is very relaxed even after relaying that type of information back so casually. Wonsik wonders if he was just being tested or not because it almost feels like he somehow answered correctly based on Jinho’s subtle smirk. If anything, it adds more validity to Taekwoon’s explanation behind his behavior. “That’s—um—yeah,” he manages to formulate while still attempting to unravel all of this, placing the menu down in front of him as they share a look.

He’s a bit dumbfounded while Jinho appears unfazed. And that only causes questions of his and Taekwoon’s relationship to surface once again as he realizes Taekwoon must have really told Jinho the details of that night at some point. He’s curious—so curious—that he just asks, the words passing his lips slowly as they come out, “Are you close with Taekwoon?”

“He’s like that annoying younger brother I never wanted but still got stuck with,” Jinho replies as he reaches behind him towards a larger bottle of clear alcohol on one of the higher shelves. Wonsik merely watches as Jinho skillfully pours the liquid into a mixer before finally transferring it to an elegant looking glass. A napkin is slid onto the counter before the base of the glass is placed on top. The older man two seats down says a quick ‘thank you’ and Jinho is eyeing him once more. “Figured out what you wanted?”

“Oh,” Wonsik jumps slightly, pushing on the menu as if caught off guard and trying to quickly catch up. “Just a beer is fine. I don’t want anything too strong.”

There’s an acknowledging head nod from Jinho before he turns his step and walks towards the opposite side of the inner bar. Wonsik watches, releasing a held breath he didn’t quite realize had gotten so heavy. His hands reach into his hair as he faces down to the glossy countertop below his sight, following one of the more prominent scratches in its surface through a daze. He’s only brought back when he feels Jinho’s presence returning with a jingle and soft wheeze of a cap being popped off a bottle, and his eyes focus on the contents as they pour into a tall glass. “This is a good one,” Jinho comments as he places the drink before him. “Definitely not the cheapest we have here.”

“Thank you,” Wonsik repeats, softer this time around, and both of his hands curve to hold the glass in front of him.

He expects Jinho to walk away again, but instead he lingers. His close company isn’t awkward. In fact, Wonsik is quite calmed as he realizes this is such a different atmosphere from the older woman he sits with at work all day long. It’s easy for him to go through his many thoughts as he drinks the fizzy beer, paying attention to how each sip bubbles against his tongue.

After another moment, he gazes up, silently catching Jinho’s attention once more. They share this look and Wonsik can almost feel a gentle push from the other man’s eyes. Never has Wonsik been at this bar when there has been such slow traffic. And he realizes this. It’s almost as if Jinho’s waiting for Wonsik, as if he’s giving him an open opportunity.

“Is he an alcoholic?” The words leave his mouth too quickly, but not very loudly.

Still, Jinho snickers, but Wonsik isn’t even given another second to regret asking the question. “No, he’s far too smart to allow himself to succumb to that.”

A wave of relief falls over him, although, he’s not entirely convinced. The previous few times he’s seen Taekwoon, he hasn’t exactly been sober.

But Jinho continues. “You caught him on a bad day. He typically doesn’t let himself go like that often anymore.”

He sighs lightly, allowing his eyes to reach up towards Jinho’s once again, but it doesn’t last long. A woman calls for his attention and Jinho’s focus abruptly breaks in order to attend to his other customer.

During this time alone, Wonsik’s mind is almost insisting he should be feeling antsy right now, his emotions are unsteady and lackluster, but he’s alright. He wouldn’t call this feeling confidence, but it’s not fear and it’s not numbness. Maybe it’s a battle he’s winning, he wonders.

Jinho returns with an unnecessary apology. It seems that even he wasn’t done with the conversation and Wonsik isn’t going to be one to stop him.

“Yeah, he told me—about that day, I mean,” he continues, observing Jinho’s facial features as he provides a little more. “I can understand why he wanted nothing more than to drink the night away.”

“He was dreading that day for months,” Jinho adds solemnly.

They’re skimping around with the details, but Wonsik’s not bothered. He assumes Jinho already knows. This isn’t the type of information that anyone enjoys repeating, it seems. Even just thinking about it brings Wonsik back to the pained look making up Taekwoon’s entire expression when they walked that one late night. “I can’t even imagine what going through that must feel like.”

“He’s changed so drastically since, but I can’t blame him.” Jinho leans himself over the counter again beside Wonsik’s drink. He’s looking off towards a group of empty tables and chairs behind them, continuing, tone softened, “If one day you came home to find a huge piece of your life missing, you’d start seeing the world differently, too.”

“I’m sure,” Wonsik can’t do anything but agree, dropping his voice into just a small murmur. Jinho still hears him, he’s positive. They both seem to be reflecting, sympathizing, and… Caring. Jinho hasn’t moved as of yet, but Wonsik’s looking at him. Looking at him in a similar way he would look at Jaehwan sometimes.

He’s a good man.

“Did you know him?” Wonsik asks, his voice still light.

“Chanwoo?”

He merely breathes, but it still comes out more as a sigh, “Yeah.”

“He was a quiet and reserved guy. Whenever he and Taekwoon came in here together, Taekwoon did most of the talking. He always seemed kind of distant, so I didn’t get to know him very well. Never want to see his face again, though.” Jinho picks himself back up, standing straight before Wonsik with a striking expression. He blinks, seemingly catching himself back to the very moment, and asks, “Want another beer?”

“Oh—um, sure,” Wonsik stutters, not quite ready for the sudden question.

The same actions take place. The atmosphere seems to quiet even though other customers are still laughing, still talking and creating noise. Maybe it’s just Wonsik who is tuning them all out as he watches Jinho return with an identical beer bottle as the one prior, uncapping the lid, and pouring the liquid into a new glass. His old one is replaced swiftly and an appreciative nod is sent in Jinho’s direction.

Yet, he only stares at this glass before him. His mind is still caught up, still tingling, still so uncertain. “Does Taekwoon come here often?” He questions softly, glancing up at Jinho before he’s about to turn away.

But he stops, stepping off just to the side to dump out the remnants of Wonsik’s first drink. His gaze is down towards what his hands are working with, but he still responds. “Only on the weekends. He really doesn’t drink as much as you may think.”

“That’s good to hear,” he releases alongside an uncomfortably strained exhale.

His eyes return to the golden ring of his glass. He wants to take a sip, but his body is sending all the signals against it. He’s distracted, moved on it seems, until Jinho’s gentled tone comes out again, “You just make him nervous.”

All concentration Wonsik just had has dissolved, popped and dispersed everywhere besides where he needs it to be. “What?” He asks without thought, without any control over his volume. There’s a small laugh, an accidental snicker of some sort, and Jinho’s expression towards him remains unchanged. “I make him nervous?”

A female bartender leans in towards Jinho, whispering something Wonsik completely misses, but it doesn’t seem to affect their conversation. She returns to her side and Jinho’s arms are reaching out for two clean crystal glasses.

He’s so casual, so calm towards Wonsik’s question. Even as he prepares drinks for others, he responds simply, “I told him he needs to calm down when he’s with you.”

And Wonsik’s left baffled. “He’s only run out once, though. Well—,” he pauses, thinking about their last encounter.

There’s a quick moment where Jinho’s gaze peers back up at his, acknowledging and firm, but not showing any signs of distraction as he turns towards the rows of alcohol behind him. “Didn’t he nearly have a panic attack in your bathroom?”

Words that are absolutely senseless clutter his thoughts. “What?” He can only repeat.

A small, confusing sneer makes up Jinho’s face. He’s not quite chuckling, but it’s almost as if he internally is. “Oh,” Jinho exhales, traying up the pair of deep red drinks he had just prepared. And it’s a long few seconds that he’s gone, coming back only to push a gray towel against the workspace to wipe up the mess. His smile still lingers even when Wonsik’s observing him intently. There’s no explanation, but instead he adds, almost in an amused sense, “He puts up a good front, doesn’t he?”

Wonsik brings the beer to his lips.

Now Jinho laughs. Wonsik doesn’t know how he feels about the way he’s being looked at right now, but there’s not much he can do. He doesn’t even know what to do. It feels like Jinho is reading his every secret effortlessly.

Thankfully, it doesn’t last much longer. He leans himself against the counter again, but Wonsik’s not intimidated. Jinho must know way more than initially expected. “Listen,” he attempts to calm Wonsik. “If he hadn’t talked so greatly about you, I would have never let him leave with you while in that state.”

 

He doesn’t remember how exactly he made it home, but he’s inside now. The deep thoughts left him on autopilot during his walk home. Jinho insisted both beers were on him, but Wonsik had a hard time accepting that, leaving enough cash for one bottle on the counter before picking up his backpack and exiting out into the cold.

His back hits the top of his mattress as he stares up at the blank ceiling of the bedroom. Guilt hits him again, slightly this time as compared to when he saw a glance at the messages on Taekwoon’s phone, but Jinho seemed deliberate with his words. Wonsik just doesn’t know what to believe. He was not prepared for information like that. Information that has kept his heart beating quickly for the last half an hour or so.

Darkness takes over his room as he remains still, lost within his own memories, trying to find a time where he noticed Taekwoon being nervous. He’s seen so many sides of Taekwoon at this point, but not really like that. Not with him, at least. Taekwoon’s smug. He’s confident and clever. But he is also hurting. Wonsik’s witnessed that. He’s seen Taekwoon crack, uncomfortable, and panicked. Maybe nervousness isn’t too far off, he concludes. But himself being the cause is still baffling. Taekwoon often appears three steps ahead of Wonsik most of the time. Maybe it really is just a front, he truly wonders.

 

 

“I don’t understand.” A man, probably in his mid-forties, says for the third time this phone call. Wonsik’s finger reaches over to the mute button, pressing it only momentarily to release a sigh before bringing his voice back.

“I’ll transfer you to my supervisor.”

The day is long, but not much different than usual. This is how all the days seem to go. How all the weeks seem to go, too. Months, even, if he thinks too hard on it, but he tries not to. He knows he should probably start looking for a new job already. He just doesn’t see a future here. The hope for a promotion isn’t even there anymore. A couple others, young like himself, have already been gifted with that opportunity while he has remained stagnant, stuck in this position for far too long now. There are moments where he wonders if he’s the problem, but his efforts haven’t diminished. Maybe he just never fit in to begin with. Whatever the reason, now is not the time.

Because when he arrives home, he’s reminded of his ticking time. Time that cannot be wasted moping around on the couch like he has been doing, like he still so desperately wants to do. And maybe it isn’t a bad thing, he contemplates over again as he sits at the dining room table with his laptop and an open container of yesterday’s leftover takeout. It’s not pain he’s feeling right now, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t sting. He endures, though, spending hours looking through available apartments in the near area.

 

His afternoons aren’t all that bad doing this, aren’t all that lonely. Phone calls and emails and note taking all distract him until he’s too tired to continue. He’s finding himself proud of his efforts, though. The week ends quickly, time seemingly feeling normal once again, and he thinks about the three buildings he has spent his Saturday visiting.

None of them gave him the sense they could become his new home—some missing important assets and features he wants—but at least they provided him with greater knowledge and understanding of what he should look out for in the future. He’s trying to stay positive.

His eyes blink dryly as his hand comes up to shut his laptop. The time is only a quarter to 10:00 PM, but he doesn’t feel all that tired. Not physically, at least. Instead of his bed, his body takes him to the couch, laying down, and allowing his eyelids to close once his head hits the armrest. This is easy, this is his habit now, and he knows by now how quickly he can fall asleep like this, like he has already done so many times recently. He’s aware of that, well aware, but he doesn’t want to move.

As the distractions fade, his mind picks up again, remembering all that he had pushed aside throughout the week. His job, his home, Jaehwan, Jinho—Taekwoon. He wonders what Jaehwan is doing right now. Wonders if Taekwoon is out, if he’s with Jinho. It is a Saturday night. He wonders if Jinho has told Taekwoon about their encounter a few nights ago, wonders if Taekwoon has told Jinho anything more about him. Good things? He thinks about what he may have done that Taekwoon found so great. And eventually, the thoughts cause him to crack a smile.

He doesn’t want to go out, doesn’t want to drink or consume another meal. This couch is comfortable, the familiar atmosphere of his home is calming in a sense, but it’s quiet. It’s becoming lonely all over again. And even though Wonsik’s not quite sure what he wants right now, what his true intentions are, he lifts his phone up before his face.

 _‘Are you busy? Want to come over?’_ 10:26 PM

That same jolt of uncertainty, of borderline regret hits him just as strong as it always does, but the feeling isn’t unwelcome. He snickers to himself as he places the phone down at his side, internally applauding himself for not needing any alcohol to get himself through that.

And it’s only fifteen minutes later.

 _‘on my way now’_ 10:41 PM

The message alone is enough to spring his energy back. He doesn’t know where Taekwoon has been, how long it will take him to get here, or where exactly he’s coming from, but Wonsik doesn’t care. A large breath fills his lungs once he stands up.

With his phone left on the couch, he moves into the bathroom, staring at his own reflection. His hair is a mess, face darkened and puffy beneath the eyes, and skin somewhat rough has he runs his hand against his chin. Splashes of water feel as if they help, but the picture is the same when he looks past the towel. A few, quick glides of a razor smooth his skin and a small amount of wax spread between his fingers is enough to tame his hair back to a presentable style. Far from his best, but better. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.

 

Despite Taekwoon’s quick response, half an hour goes by without any other word. Wonsik stares at the blackened television screen for longer than necessary before reaching for the remote to turn it on. Lights flash, scenes change, commercials run by, but Wonsik’s not paying attention. He can’t put into words how he’s feeling right now. He’s jittery, checking his phone even when there aren’t any rings. His heart starts racing and he doesn’t even know why. It might be the waiting, the uncertainty, or even all those emotions boiling inside him for Taekwoon that feel just as right as they do wrong. Either way, he has enough after a little longer. The television gets shut off.

 _‘Where are you?’_ 11:37 PM

 _‘5 minutes’_ 11:38 PM

 _‘Let me know when you’re here and I’ll buzz you in.”_ 11:38 PM

 _‘old lady let me in’_ 11:44 PM

His legs simply move, bringing him close to his front door, but not opening it. He waits, holds, feeling all the strangeness and unease seemingly swirling throughout his body as he does so, and listens for footsteps within the outer hall before placing his fingers still on the locked bolt.

The faint sound of the elevator doors ruffles through and Wonsik’s senses seem to blank. He moves, turning one lock at a time, and pulling the door back, staring straight ahead until he notices Taekwoon’s profile off to the side.

His eyes are widened curiously, lips lifted with a subtle curve, and he walks right in without faltering.

“Hey—,” Wonsik begins while shutting the door, turning his head to see Taekwoon comfortably shrugging off his winter coat and hanging it on the hook without even being prompted to.

A glance from Taekwoon makes its way up as he bends down to remove his shoes, placing them exactly where they have been before. “Hello,” he returns with a sneer.

Wonsik watches Taekwoon as he stands back up, patting his own pockets, flipping open his wallet, his phone, and his keys as if he’s counting them all, double checking to make sure everything is all there. He finally gets a good look at Taekwoon once they’re at eye level again. His face is colorful from the low temperatures outside, hair parted to the side again like he’s seen once before, and his outfit is composed of just a thin black t-shirt paired with fitted jeans. “Aren’t you cold?” Wonsik asks, concern taking over even when Taekwoon’s knowing expression doesn’t show any care at all over it.

“Not really. I get hot easily.”

Wonsik’s eyes remain attached, focusing on Taekwoon’s left arm, on a long, red scratch down his forearm. A frown begins to form, but Taekwoon walks in closer, allowing their body heat to mingle, and for Wonsik to feel a moment of relaxation when hands loosely hold at his hips.

Taekwoon’s actions aren’t unexpected at this point. Wonsik knows what he wants, what he’s going to do. Their faces are just as close as their bodies, lips brushing, hair tickling his skin. Usually there’s a sense of urgency, a push and rush out of Taekwoon that tells Wonsik precisely what is going on, but this time everything is softer. Their kisses—calmed, yet still nice—sweet. The intentions are still there. Taekwoon is slowly inching them over towards the direction of his bedroom.

He knows. He knows.

And maybe that’s why he’s able to move so easily, to take Taekwoon’s wrist and be the one to lead this time. The door shuts behind them out of habit and Taekwoon’s lips are already parted as if he’s at a loss of breath. They share a gaze, one so telling to one another, and Wonsik’s hand curves around Taekwoon’s neck, bringing them together once again. His weight is pushing on Taekwoon, feet dragging forward while Taekwoon’s step back without a fight until he’s stopped against the door.

This is where Wonsik’s blood truly begins to simmer, to surge, heated breaths combine and fill his lungs. His hands hold Taekwoon’s face when they break to pause, retracting his tongue as they both reflect a similar look. Glossy eyes with firm concentration—Wonsik’s only thinking of themselves during the moment. Thinking of everything he wants from Taekwoon, everything he’s so eager to know, to discover. Everything he wishes for.

He tastes the alcohol lingering within Taekwoon’s breath as they continue, as they touch and hold one another through this exceptional lust. Even after everything that has happened between them, this is one of the feelings that has yet to change. He’s never had this connection with anyone before—this spark—this level of attraction. There’s still no known explanation, no one reason that Wonsik can pinpoint as to why he feels this way with Taekwoon, but it’s obvious. It’s so obvious that it takes over him, causing him to be entranced, to hear Taekwoon’s smallest moans and want nothing more than to please him more, to pleasure him more.

“God, Wonsik,” Taekwoon lets out and the vibrations are felt through Wonsik’s lips as they work at the base of his neck. His lashes bat closed. Taekwoon’s head is tilting back as he leans against the door. “If you had messaged me ten minutes later, I probably wouldn’t have come over.”

He doesn’t mind this, doesn’t mind Taekwoon saying his name in that fashion. “Hm?” Wonsik hums.

“This other guy I met wanted me so badly. He was pissed when I decided to bail on him,” he continues, grasp tightening on Wonsik’s sides through his words.

But Wonsik starkly halts his movements and Taekwoon is quick to release an unappreciative groan. Their eyes catch again and Taekwoon only continues.

“He was boring. He was so boring. They’re all so boring,” he adds, tone still seductive, still not sensing Wonsik’s discontentment at all.

He has no words to say, to add. His pulse feels incredibly strong as he immediately reaches for Taekwoon’s arm, twisting it over between them as he stares at the skin. It’s not elevated, it’s not fresh, but the mark he noticed earlier is still red, still irritated.

Taekwoon’s hair blocks most of the remaining lamp light from coming through as he dips his head down to look, to react to Wonsik’s thumb gently gliding over its lightest end.

“I tripped on the corner of a pallet,” Taekwoon explains after another moment, his voice shifting suddenly like the change in atmosphere is finally being picked up on. He can tell Taekwoon’s focus has pivoted to his face, but Wonsik’s concentration on the cut doesn’t waver. “I didn’t fall over, but everything I was carrying did. I have another one on my other arm, too.”

He turns his shoulder, outstretching his right arm to show a second smaller cut marking his skin. The one source of light in his bedroom shines between them again once Wonsik takes a small step back. He’s holding both of Taekwoon’s arms, expression drained, and his voice carries softly alongside it. “So… It wasn’t another person?”

Taekwoon’s quick, muscles still lax within Wonsik’s touch. “Of course not. I don’t let people mark my body.”

Wonsik remembers this. Remembers Taekwoon noting that to him before, but just because he listens doesn’t mean all other men do. “What if they still try?”

“Then I push them off me,” he retaliates as if it’s obvious.

But that response is weak to Wonsik. “What if they’re stronger?”

There’s a huff out of Taekwoon as he leans his head against the door again, but there’s no other fight, no attempt to pull his arms back. “I don’t mess with people I don’t think I can take in a fight.”

Now a frown fully takes over. Wonsik doesn’t even want to start thinking about these kinds of situations, but the thoughts are unstoppable. Jaehwan’s warnings slide their way back to the front of his mind and his first instinct to tune them out is to bring his focus back to the true Taekwoon before him. It’s overwhelming, it’s difficult to slow, and the questions hit him even harder through worry and rushes. How many fights has he been in over this? Did someone hurt him at some point? Was it Chanwoo?

Taekwoon must see this uncertainty on his features because he continues, “After I’m out at night, I want to start the next morning fresh without any lingering memories. That’s all—”

None of that answers any of Wonsik’s questions, relieves any of the pressure, but now he feels the additional stab from those words in relation to himself, and he allows that knowledge to settle, to stack painfully.

His own defense system kicks in, telling him to ignore that comment, to think and believe that things are different between them, but that only brings him back to himself. To suddenly questioning, “You think you can take me down?”

“I know I can,” Taekwoon’s lips curl slightly as he speaks.

He stares down at Taekwoon firmly even when he only feels himself becoming nauseated, “What makes you say that?”

“You won’t fight back,” Taekwoon speaks through a growing smile, a knowing smile, as if he has been long ready for this question. And then he gets clever again, cocky, reminding Wonsik of his own words. “You’re not a fighter, remember?”

“I—,” Wonsik begins without an extra beat, but he stops. He has to stop. He’s so worked up, body sweating and panicking for reasons he wishes it weren’t. Taekwoon is going to drive him completely insane. They aren’t on the same page at all. He backs away fully, stepping towards his bed before simply laying down, staring at the far corner of the ceiling as he does so.

The physical exhaustion that he was missing earlier finally seems to be catching up. Allowing himself to sink into his comfortable mattress is soothing enough to distract from the look on Taekwoon’s face that flashed his way just a moment ago. An abrupt look of concern, worry—nerves.

His eyes were enlarged, like maybe he realized Wonsik can only handle so many jokes, so many direct hits where he hurts the most. Whatever the reason, soft, gingerly footsteps press and creak the floor until the bed dips beside him.

“I was being a little too ambitious—trying to carry more boxes than I could handle and it backfired. I get small scrapes and bruises all the time from work. It’s nothing that I ever worry about,” Taekwoon attempts to clarify, to calm. He has one knee on the bed before Wonsik’s gaze meets his again and he climbs on.

Instinctively, Wonsik still scoots over, but Taekwoon doesn’t lie down beside him. Instead, he crawls over him, leaning his face in close as if waiting for Wonsik to initiate a kiss, but neither of them do. Taekwoon’s breath is warm against his skin, against his cheek when lips gently press to it.

Taekwoon backs up a little, somehow appearing dejected, small, regretful, and he asks, “Do you not want to have sex?”

Wonsik doesn’t mean to scoff, but he can’t help it. “What is it that you want from me? Is it always going to be just sex?” Taekwoon’s near speechless expression gives him nothing. Only following one blink, two, then continuing, “You seem to be able to sleep with different people for fun and then immediately move on, but I—my mind gets so confused and it’s so hard on me because I just—fuck—I—”

“—This is fun for me,” Taekwoon admits unsurprisingly, his voice softening from an initial tremble. “But that… Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the fact that it’s with you right now. I like you, Wonsik.” And with that, Wonsik releases a shaky breath. “I left another guy to come here for you.” His heart stammers when he hears those words, but Taekwoon continues. “I wouldn’t keep doing it if I didn’t. I’m not that kind of person.”

It’s almost as if he’s trying to defend himself, trying to make this situation better, but Wonsik’s already lost it. He’s ready for the worst. He feels like he has nothing left.

And he hates his tone, hates how weak he sounds, how truly pathetic he is being once again, but the question still comes out. “Is it too much to ask you not to sleep with other people?”

“Wonsik, we’re not together.”

“What if I want us to be?”

Confusion completely washes over Taekwoon’s features in a way that is nearly convincing enough that maybe Wonsik’s feelings weren’t ever as obvious as he thought they might have been. Because Taekwoon is hesitant again, guarded. There’s a smile, then it’s gone. His eyes are looking at Wonsik’s, then they’re not. The amount of time that has gone by since he asked the question should be an answer in itself, but he’s not sure how to read Taekwoon right now. He seems to be trying to keep himself together, but Wonsik’s not sure from what.

Taekwoon holds an uneasy look as his bottom lip unfolds from underneath the pull of his teeth. A look that almost makes Wonsik’s conversation with Jinho earlier in the week have the smallest amount of substance. He doesn’t know what to think, doesn’t want to continue lying to himself. Taekwoon’s utterly lost appearance isn’t anything he expected. “Why… Would you want that?” he almost laughs out, lightly.

Somehow, Wonsik feels as if he has more control of this situation than Taekwoon does right now. So, he just talks. Talks without thinking too much because that’s too difficult at the moment. “I don’t like one night stands. I don’t like rushing into things. I don’t like how long you’ve been here tonight and that we have barely spoken to one another about anything. I don’t like the idea of pretending all the other times we’ve been together haven’t happened—or however you see it.”

The momentary smile Taekwoon keeps bringing back is gone in an instant. He sits back on his knees, holding himself just above Wonsik in a less intimate way. His gaze falls away, but Wonsik’s doesn’t.

“But I—I really enjoy being with you… And I would love it if I were given the chance to actually date you. Or—at least—give a good effort. I think that you’re just so… Attractive, so sexy, so—something else. You’re fun to be around and mysterious enough that you make me go mad just wanting to know you better.” He pauses, but there’s only silence. “I—mean, if it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t work out, but at least I’ll know I gave it my best shot.”

Quietly, “Wonsik…”

“And I get it. You still have feelings for your ex and maybe you want none of this, but… It feels good to get that out—to let you know, I guess.”

Nothing, but his eyes still hold. Wonsik can see it, see Taekwoon’s light quivers, movements, as if he’s still deciding if he wants to answer or not. But as more time goes on, the small hope Wonsik has chained himself to feels as if it’s rusting away, disintegrating apart. There’s a smile, audible sigh as he pushes his body back until he can lean comfortably against the pillows. He’s sad—devastated in a crushing way—but a small part of him is relieved. There’s still an overwhelming discomfort within his chest, yet he wouldn’t call it pain. He’s known this. He’s gone through all that pain already.

“You can say no,” he eventually whispers, almost just wanting this to be over. No matter what, he still doesn’t enjoy watching Taekwoon like this. Wonsik’s legs draw back from under him and his hand comes up, curving, gesturing, urging Taekwoon to sit normally. “You can say anything, actually. I was hoping we could have a conversation rather than me just berating you with questions again.”

A few seconds go by where Taekwoon’s only staring, only shaking his head gently. And all that comes out are short words Wonsik has heard before. “I can’t.”

He exhales deeply, embracing the inevitable sting of rejection since it’s his only option. “Okay,” Wonsik accepts, sending a nod back in Taekwoon’s direction.

The atmosphere isn’t awkward, but it’s tense. That is to be expected, though. Taekwoon’s looking down again, or maybe his eyes are closed—Wonsik finds it hard to tell from his view. Neither of them have moved or spoken. It’s just quiet. And the longer Wonsik looks at him, the more frustrated he becomes with himself. Because in the moment, the only cohesive thought he can put together revolves around just how pretty Taekwoon’s downcast eyelashes look within this scarce lighting.

His lips purse together as his eyes stray. The encounter with Jinho is still fresh, but the information provided doesn’t appear to have helped any in the end. Taekwoon’s not going to explain his reasonings—he’s not obligated to—and Wonsik will be left with no choice but to move on. Move on just like he has done with the lacking information Joonhyun left him with. He’s done this before. He can do it again. He can. He can—

“Wonsik—,” he hears softly, snapping himself out of his own trance to look over by the man sitting towards the foot of his bed again. “Can we still have sex one more time?”

 

The rational side of his brain is screaming, breaking down into smaller individual chunks that continue independently, raising the noise level within his head to a dizzying amount. Taekwoon really—doesn’t understand. He really—Wonsik has no idea what he’s thinking. “That’s—uh, not really something you ask out of someone you just rejected.”

Almost as if he’s questioning rather than commenting, softly. “You asked me to come here?”

“I did,” Wonsik sighs out, knowing he can’t argue with that.

“Why?” Taekwoon follows up with, but Wonsik’s too slow as another question is asked quickly, as if to replace the first one entirely. “Do you… Want me to leave?”

They’ve had this conversation before, he recalls clearly. They really are going in circles. He’s well aware why he keeps contacting Taekwoon, why he keeps calling for his attention, only to deny him what he wants because it’s not the same for himself. Right and wrong doesn’t make the best argument when emotions are scrambled, broken apart, and not quite sure how to put themselves back together. But it’s alright now, there’s no more misunderstandings, no more doubt. Their desires don’t match up.

Yet, Wonsik’s struggling, conflicted—imperfect. His feelings are still so wild right now. “What will you do if I say yes?” His own question—confidence and control seemingly prevailing through his rapid pulse.

“Um,” Taekwoon hums a little as he thinks, as he answers, genuinely, “Probably go back out to the bars.”

His first notion is that he means to see Jinho, but he knows that’s probably too naïve. “To find someone else to sleep with?”

“Maybe?” Taekwoon releases, unsure and possibly a little frustrated. But he still goes on, glancing over at the clock before continuing, “I might just sit and drink for a bit first—I don’t know. I’m kind of tired.”

“You’ve already been drinking,” Wonsik firmly points out. His tone is almost attacking, but he doesn’t mean for it to be.

And he knows because Taekwoon quiets, responding lightly, defensively, “I’m sobering up.”

“But you want more?”

“It’s calming.”

As much as Wonsik feels like he should be getting more riled up, he’s not. With Taekwoon’s voice becoming softer, gentler, he can’t. He’s not in the mood to—he’s too drained already. Guilt and compassion take over. “Why don’t you go home? Go home and go to sleep?”

“I… Don’t want to.”

 

Something’s got to give at some point—even he is aware his justifications hold little weight, but he still talks it out within himself. Maybe he’s too nice. Too selfless. Maybe he just wants this to end on the best note it possibly can. Thinking, if one of them leaves happy, that might be better than neither of them at all. Because he doesn’t want to cry like he did the night he ended things with Minhyuk, he doesn’t want to fight all night like he did with Joonhyun. Taekwoon hasn’t broken his trust, hasn’t done anything malicious or blatantly hurtful. He really hasn’t.

He should know by now what the outcome will be. Then again, he hasn’t listened to himself in the past when it came to Taekwoon. He’s known it is wrong. Being with Taekwoon like this is still wrong, but he understands this is the end—this situation can’t get any worse no matter what he chooses.

With those thoughts, those jumbled, biased, and knowingly foolish thoughts, maybe that’s why he’s so much calmer by the time he’s ready to respond. “Yeah, that’s—we can. We can.”

Maybe he is just easy.

 

This doesn’t feel much different and the more Wonsik thinks about it, the more he realizes there is no difference. The stakes aren’t any smaller, aren’t any larger. Actually, in some strange way, this barely feels real.

Taekwoon’s lips curve into some sort of a smile again, his entire expression striking Wonsik with the same captivating eyes that caught him the very first time. His black shirt comes off, jeans tossed to the side along the floor, and he reaches his arm out for Wonsik to take.

Their time off the bed lasts, almost as if they have seamlessly picked up from where they had left off earlier in the night. But it’s not that Wonsik has forgotten what had happened during that time span—he hasn’t at all. He’s trying to simply enjoy this for what it is, living in the moment, and Taekwoon seems to be doing the same.

They’re swaying together, Taekwoon holding him like before as he whispers into his ear, “How do you want me?”

Wonsik fights a sneer as he processes the question, a question that no one would ask someone they don’t trust at all and he can’t even fathom what is going on in Taekwoon’s mind. It doesn’t matter now, though. He turns his head only to witness Taekwoon’s intense gaze. “Well,” he begins, airily, emphasizing his words more as he continues along. “How do you want me?”

Eyebrows raise when Taekwoon does nothing but continue to stare. Eventually, he catches an emotional expression wash through Taekwoon’s features as he releases a quiet scoff and pulls in on Wonsik’s shoulders. He turns them around before lowering himself back on the mattress, bringing Wonsik down above him.

And Wonsik goes along with it, with whatever Taekwoon wants right now because he almost feels desensitized, almost nothing at all—numbed. And it’s strange, but not surprising, not unwelcome.

The remainder of their clothes come off and he’s reminded just how much he likes the burn of Taekwoon’s skin against his own. There’s something so nostalgic about it. Their kisses are still nice, still tingly, stimulating, and that’s enough to distract Wonsik from the remainder of his thoughts. Warm caresses and seemingly rushed preparations end when Taekwoon kicks torn open wrappers and bottles off the bed. He huffs as he falls back atop the sheets again, closely turning over when Wonsik leans in towards him. But it’s alright, Wonsik doesn’t question his actions, doesn’t even hesitate. His arms maneuver around him, gliding across Taekwoon’s soft skin as they press their bodies together.

Instincts kick in, heat takes over. Taekwoon doesn’t request anything specific this time, but Wonsik is still Wonsik. There’s that desperation that streams throughout his body whether he wants it to or not, and in turn he goes quick for himself, for his own sanity. This is for him, he thinks, repeats, even when he knows in reality it’s not. Because he’s not enjoying this.

Taekwoon arches his spine as Wonsik continues to hold him close. His forehead dips to touch against the backside of Taekwoon’s neck and the heat radiating off his skin is still incredible and surprising at the same time. Taekwoon will always be stunning, he concludes, captivating and hot and wonderful. He’s experienced, he knows what he wants and what he’s doing, how to please another man with his body, and Wonsik knows this. Yet, even with all this friction, these intense sensations, Wonsik’s not really having fun—and he truly wonders if Taekwoon still is. Because he can hear his quickened breathy moans and feel his trembles and twitches together. Wonsik’s trying not to be too gentle, trying not to fall back into his usual rhythm, but it’s so much effort. It’s so hard right now. He’s aware how quickly he’s faltering, how his mind and body aren’t in line with one another.

And he wants Taekwoon to orgasm, at least, to make sure he’s satisfied by the end of this, and that becomes his main focus right now. He had promised Taekwoon they’d do this one more time, anyway. _‘Next time,’_ he had said months ago—he’s a little late already. So, Wonsik slows his movements in a way he knows Taekwoon likes, managing to mutter firmly through this layer of controlled anxiety, “Face me.”

And Taekwoon does without question, rolling his body where Wonsik can still easily direct him, bending his limbs tenderly as they work with one another. Immediately, this is more intimate, raising Wonsik’s heart rate once again. Their lips come together, sloppily, yet nice, and both of their arms go down, riding Taekwoon’s curves until their hands meet at the same place.

Something about this reminds Wonsik of his younger years. There’s far too much hesitancy complimenting this lust that’s keeping him on edge. His side collides with the mattress, just one hand coming back up to keep Taekwoon’s face close to his own, and he shuts his eyes. Their kisses have mostly stopped. Taekwoon’s not all that loud, but he is vocal, and Wonsik cracks his eyes back open, watching as this reaches the end.

There’s a relief, even if only mental. Taekwoon relaxes, taking a few moments to concentrate on himself before gazing back up at Wonsik. No real smile, no laughs, but instead maybe some concern, some disappointment. His hand moves in, but Wonsik is quick to take his wrist. “Did you—?”

“Yeah,” Wonsik exhales, knowing full well he’s lying and knowing full well that Taekwoon is probably too smart to actually believe it.

But he can’t tell by the softened look on Taekwoon’s face whether he actually does or not. It makes him thankful for the condom. He rolls himself over, swinging his legs off the bed before standing. Purposefully, he avoids looking at Taekwoon as he tosses the condom and picks a couple tissues to bring back. Only a few seconds have passed, but once he lays back down, it somehow feels as if much more time has gone by.

Taekwoon leans over once handed the tissues, distracted for another reason, and Wonsik watches curiously, exhaustedly. Asking, “Did you… Enjoy that?”

His tone probably wasn’t the best, but Taekwoon’s is still on the lighter side as he responds while focusing on cleaning himself, “That was the kind of sex you need a cigarette afterwards.”

Not the type of answer he was expecting in the slightest. “What does that mean?”

Now there’s a smile out of Taekwoon. “Forget it—,” he begins as Wonsik furrows his brows, immediately remembering a previous conversation they once had regarding smoking. But he quickly changes the subject, placing the soiled tissues to the side and moving in closer, allowing Wonsik to feel his warmth again without ever touching. “I was your only one night stand, right?”

Again, that term, that implication of apathetic intimacy, causes the pressure within his chest to make itself known again. He snickers in response, though casually, “Does sex on the first date count? Because I’ve done that a couple times since.”

A sincere smile forms Taekwoon’s face, his tone gentle, but Wonsik finds it almost demeaning, “Look at you.”

As much as he doesn’t want to laugh, a small chuckle still makes its way out, relieving some of the weight from his lungs. He rolls his eyes before looking away. “Not something I’m proud of.”

“It’s not a bad thing, though,” Taekwoon notes. Pausing only a moment before silently winning back Wonsik’s attention, questioning, “I’ve been wanting to ask you… How did you get so good?”

Wonsik only pulls a look, thoroughly confused now. What they just did was so far away from his best efforts that it’s laughable. So, he explains, starting off slow while observing Taekwoon’s reactions closely, “My—ex didn’t really like sex, so I really tried hard to get better in hopes we’d find something he could enjoy. Or—well—something we could enjoy together.”

“Oh,” Taekwoon releases as his face nuzzles into one of Wonsik’s pillows. His eyes drift away and Wonsik relaxes a little because of it. “I don’t think I could be with someone like that. I like sex too much.”

“It wasn’t too bad. That kind of stuff isn’t all that important to me. I was more worried about him since he struggled a lot,” he adds, still finding himself saddened at the thoughts. He had spent so much time worrying about Joonhyun when they were together.

“Maybe not, but I...” There’s a silence, yet Wonsik is still keen on Taekwoon’s expression. “I don’t like being without it. It’s really nice when things get physical—it’s reassuring to me.”

Something has changed, but he can’t figure out what. What they had just done was probably as terrible for Taekwoon as it was for himself and this conversation might be just to cover all that up, he wonders, unsure. All he knows is that his instincts are still urging him to touch Taekwoon—to comb his fingers through his hair, to run a hand across his back, to do something—anything. There’s something fragile about him right now, about where this conversation has gone. But Wonsik holds himself back, at least, for the moment. “I don’t know how you can do something like that and not feel anything,” he blurts out through his conflicted thoughts.  

“I’m not heartless.”

His eyes widen momentarily, not anticipating Taekwoon to take his words in such a negative manner. “I didn’t mean it like that,” Wonsik’s quick to retract.

But Taekwoon doesn’t seem to allow it to stop him from continuing along. They’re facing one another, yet Taekwoon still hasn’t looked back at him. “I like intimacy a lot. I’ve kind of learned that it doesn’t matter all that much who it comes from in the end.”

A confession like that, though unexpected, isn’t one Wonsik would ever think he’d be so calm about hearing. If Taekwoon had told him this their first night he wouldn’t have believed him, he wouldn’t have understood to the degree he does now. Maybe what he’s saying is truthful, maybe not, but Wonsik understands where it’s coming from. Actually, this entire conversation is beginning to make more sense.

And Wonsik simply exhales, now allowing just a few of his fingers to brush against Taekwoon’s fallen hairs before running them back. His questions are there. All the ones he has held up from before and all the current ones he’s formulating in the moment. In the past he would have stopped himself, but he truly has nothing to lose anymore. Nothing. Taekwoon’s eyes blink towards him once his hand rests still along his neck. There’s a jolt of nervousness that pulsates through his core, but his mouth still moves, still asks, softly, “Was Chanwoo able to satisfy you enough?”

Wonsik watches Taekwoon’s every movement as time passes following that question. Maybe it was the mention of Chanwoo, maybe it was the nature of the question in general, but he can tell Taekwoon’s reaction isn’t exactly a good one. There’s even a silent moment where he almost anticipates Taekwoon to dismiss the whole thing, but he doesn’t. Though taken aback, his lips part, then close, then part again as he verbalizes with clear uncertainty, “He—yeah… Like I said before, it was reassuring. As we got older, we didn’t have as much time to mess around, so when we did it was great… Really great.”

“Ah,” Wonsik exhales, instantly back and forth on if he regrets asking that. There’s something about Taekwoon’s expression that’s glowing now and Wonsik’s sure he’s seen this look before when discussing Chanwoo in the past. It all makes him continue to wonder what their relationship truly must have been like to have cause this much damage, this much destruction by the end of it. Taekwoon clearly thinks fondly of him, still lights up when going through the memories. And it all causes Wonsik to frown.

Yet, as Taekwoon continues, his smile falls, “I’ve experienced a lot more since, though. He wasn’t a fan of changing things up or experimenting or anything like that. Chanwoo kind of only liked one thing, but I didn’t really know any better at the time.”

“Change in what way?” His voice softens, surprised Taekwoon is opening up to him this much. Other than Chanwoo not holding his hand and ultimately leaving him, Taekwoon hasn’t shared any of the smaller details regarding their relationship.

“Like switching roles and stuff like that. He didn’t even like when I brought other ideas up.” There’s a pause as Taekwoon holds a thoughtful look, but he goes on before Wonsik can say anything else. “Actually, that’s why I asked you. I wanted to see if you would do it.”

Their eyes catch again and Wonsik sees just a slight bit of Taekwoon’s usual confidence coming back. “You were testing me?”

A small smile. “In a way.”

His mind instantly goes back to the feelings he had when he thought Jinho was doing the same thing, but he doesn’t want this to stray away from Chanwoo just yet. “Why didn’t he want to?”

And Taekwoon’s expression drops once more, his head tilts, but his eyes still come back to Wonsik’s. “That’s... What he struggled with. I think he worried about his perceived masculinity a lot. I told him it didn’t matter, but maybe to him it did.”

Again, another problem he has never dealt with, but one that he has heard a lot about. He’s creating this fuller picture of Chanwoo in his mind. Maybe not the best, not the most accurate, but he’s been putting the pieces, the hints he’s been provided together. He doesn’t really know where to go from here, so he just follows with the first question that comes to mind. Still on Chanwoo, softly, “Was he taller than you?”

Thankfully, Taekwoon doesn’t seem to mind. “He used to be.”

“Used to be?”

“I grew.”

Ten years, he reminds himself. Nearly ten years. They have both become quiet following that. Wonsik wonders what Taekwoon’s wanting. He has gathered so much new information about him these past couple of weeks, but can’t put together even a guess for that one. If he hasn’t attempted to move on, is he waiting to see if Chanwoo will ever come back? Does he believe sleeping with random people will really fill the void Chanwoo has left him with? Is he trying to find someone just like Chanwoo? Has he completely given up?

He shouldn’t care. After tonight, he really has no reason to ever see Taekwoon again. They don’t want the same things. He came right out with his feelings and was rejected. They aren’t friends, they aren’t anything to one another, yet he can’t deny that he still cares. “The guy you were with before coming here... What was he like?” He asks softly, keeping the other men he’s seen Taekwoon involve himself with in mind. The other men that have only left sour tastes in his mouth.

“Um,” Taekwoon hums as he thinks. “He was a little older. I don’t think he had his own family or anything. Glasses?”

Not exactly what Wonsik was looking for. “Was he kind to you?”

He scoffs through a smile, letting his gaze fall momentarily. “He was until we were about to leave the bar together and I told him something came up. Then he wasn’t.”

An unsurprising story. “Why him?”

They only stare at one another.

Wonsik’s becoming bold again, taking this newfound confidence of knowing it’s now or never to get him through questions he never would have verbalized previously. “Did he remind you of Chanwoo?”

And this is where he can’t believe Taekwoon actually answers, is actually alright with where this conversation is going. “Possibly, I guess,” he responds quietly, as if hesitant.

Wonsik’s heartbeat picks up. “You told me in the past that’s why you chose another guy—because he smoked.” Taekwoon’s eyes widen slightly, but he doesn’t add anything this time. “I—I guess I just want to know if… Do I remind you of him as well?”

Nothing for a few seconds, but Wonsik can tell Taekwoon’s having a difficult time with his thoughts. He’s teetering already—terrified of what this response might be—but still feeling as if he needs to know, even if the answer already seems clear. He wonders what it could be. Wonsik’s younger than Taekwoon, he’s taller, even if just by a little bit, never smoked, no glasses? Maybe it’s his drinking habits? He’s quite good with controlling himself. Maybe it’s something physical? His personality? There was so much going on in the bar the day of Jaehwan’s promotion that the fine details of the night have blurred. He was alone—he was upset—he—

“You don’t,” Taekwoon finally gets out. “I have yet to find anything similar between you two.”

This time, it’s Wonsik who has gone silent.

He cracks a smile, a snicker of some sort, adding, “In a way, you make him seem like the pathetic one.”

Never did he think there was such a thing Taekwoon could say that would cause every ounce of him to stop. To reset. To be the words Wonsik didn’t even know he wanted to hear. He can’t help it. The hand already clutched around Taekwoon’s neck is used as leverage when Wonsik pulls the two of them together. Bare and cooled, but still warm. Still so warm. Taekwoon reacts, tangling their legs, and wriggling his arm free to come back around over Wonsik.

Like this, Taekwoon feels small. But Wonsik’s overwhelmed, so incredibly filled with emotions again that he doesn’t know what to do with, can’t really express. There’s only one he really wants to say, to wish, thoughtfully. “I truly—I truly hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Taekwoon’s tone is breathy and emotional as he tilts his jaw, as Wonsik tucks his face into his neck, murmuring lightly against him, “Wonsik—”

It’s not a complaint, not even a whine, and Wonsik wonders if Taekwoon ever meant for it to come out. It doesn’t matter, though. Nothing does. Especially not when Taekwoon’s leaning his face down while lifting Wonsik’s with his hands.

And they kiss again—lips together. He can feel it. Feel the tenseness of Taekwoon’s muscles diminish, melt away into this relieving heat. They’re slow right now, far different from anything they have done at all today. Warm kisses growing the desires within his mind. Desires that are the same as always, but caught up by reason and uncertainty. Yet, right now, those thoughts don’t feel so chaotic. He tries to find it, to find the bad within this situation, but it’s difficult when they’re like this, almost pulling on strings for something, anything. Everything is coming back to him so strongly. He wants this. Taekwoon wants this. It’s clear. It’s obvious. He pauses momentarily, breaking their lips apart to turn his head, to catch a glance at his bedside clock. The time is still early. 1:54 AM. The night still young. And it’s Taekwoon’s gentle touch along his jaw that brings him back, brings them both back as they stare. Eyes darkened and half-lidded, but knowing. And Wonsik wonders if this is right, if the feelings overtaking him are good ones. If, in this very moment, being with Taekwoon is good.

Because he feels drunk, illogical, yet like he can rule the world if he wanted to. His world that seems upside down and still somehow clear. Taekwoon’s breaths stutter against his movements, glides of hands, kisses across his chest, and Wonsik watches in wonderment as an array of color blossoms onto his skin.

Their hips press, though not intentional, but neither seem to mind, to slow down. It’s actually Taekwoon who turns away, rolling out towards the edge of the bed and pulling on Wonsik’s arm to follow. No questions, no words, and Wonsik obliges without hesitation, allowing Taekwoon to guide him over, above.

Bodies come together, heated and warm as Wonsik settles himself atop. Arousal is abundantly clear from both of them, but they seem to have their focus elsewhere. New stimulation only grows. They move lightly, rub against one another to keep the burn sparking, and Taekwoon’s fingers grasp into his hair. It’s intense—this intimacy under these conditions. Deep kisses continue as Wonsik takes hold of Taekwoon’s face like he’s done in the past. They’re desperate, releasing airy moans softly.

There’s so much Wonsik wants to give Taekwoon, to show him, provide him with. He wonders how many of the men Taekwoon’s been with have taken the time to focus on him like this. Have they all been so greedy? No, they couldn’t be. Taekwoon’s so receptive, so worthy of being cherished. Wonsik can’t be the only one. He may not be what Taekwoon is looking for, but he wants to make sure he leaves knowing what he deserves. Because it’s so—so apparent. Taekwoon’s longing. He’s hurting. And Wonsik knows those feelings all too well.

He tilts Taekwoon’s face just a little, leaving small kisses along his chin and up his features. Gentle and light, nothing too much, nothing too overwhelming. He makes his way up to Taekwoon’s hairline, kissing there, holding, ready to move on, but gets caught in place. The arms curved around his back pull in on him as Taekwoon exhales softly, as he releases quietly, breathily, “I love—this…”

Wonsik hears that, understands the significance—the possible significance—of those words, but doesn’t feel too surprised by them. He’s too calm, too engrossed. “Hm?”

He glances down to witness Taekwoon's expression, only to find his eyes shut with force, brows furrowed in a focused way. His lips part with quickened breaths and an even deeper tone radiates from his skin. “I love this,” he repeats, a little louder, a little clearer.

Wonsik dips his nose down into Taekwoon's neck as all other movements slow to a subtle halt. He’s okay, he’s in control, his heart races. “What about this do you love?” Wonsik whispers lowly.

Fingers curl in against his shoulder blades, Taekwoon’s voice raw and desperate. “Just... This.”

Wonsik’s exhale is shaky, but his mind isn’t so cluttered. “Elaborate.”

One of Taekwoon's hands trails up to curve around his neck, gently urging him in more. And he follows, he allows it, releasing the slightest hum once his face brushes Taekwoon's heated skin again. They share the shortest glance before Taekwoon's eyes close again, but he doesn't say anything more. Holding. Waiting. Silently.

Wonsik might be still, comfortable against Taekwoon like this, but it’s not distracting enough to cause him to forget the words just spoken. His manner lacked snark, lacked uncertainty. There’s meaning behind them—there’s something. Something that, at least at this point, with what has happened tonight, Wonsik’s not going to let pass without understanding. “Tell me,” he begins firmly, not giving his crazed emotions even a moment to interfere. “I'm not going to let you pass this one.”

As his thoughts verbalize, he realizes he can’t actually remember the last time Taekwoon outright denied responses to his questions. Yet, that doesn’t stop his fears from coming back, from remembering so vividly their first few encounters when his behavior like that was more prominent. And it makes sense right now. Of course Taekwoon was defensive, apprehensive, distant. He owed Wonsik nothing and he still might not, but things aren’t the same. At least, Wonsik feels they’re not—they absolutely cannot be.

His eyelids drop as Taekwoon’s hands run back down, holding Wonsik as he inhales deeply, only to end up releasing, “You make me feel like I’m worth something.”

His tone is strange, soft and light, exasperated almost like another attempted joke that’s been far overrun by truth to hit.

And Wonsik can only say one thing. “You are.”

 

Long seconds pass, but nothing more is spoken from either of them. Wonsik’s emotions swirl uncontrollably, his body seemingly overcome by the adrenaline that shows no signs of fading. Taekwoon has that effect on him. His hands push into the mattress as he lifts himself up. Taekwoon’s reactions are minimal, subtle. His attempt at reaching back out falls short, but Wonsik still sees it, still feels for it.

Yet, once he’s up, sitting himself on his knees, his hands brush down Taekwoon’s body. Although tired, his eyes have a hard time pulling away. Taekwoon really is—someone special, beautiful. His fingers linger, thumb pressing into Taekwoon’s thigh as he concentrates, as he breathes. It’s hard, though. Taekwoon’s leg bends over in response and Wonsik sighs, understanding the state both of them are in right now. He licks his lips, pressing them together as he glances down, as he moves his hand in just slightly along Taekwoon’s skin. “Do you want to go again?”

And it’s quick. Much quicker than he expects. “Only if you finish this time, too.”

He smiles, dropping his head out of the rush before gazing over the side of the bed where Taekwoon had knocked their supplies off earlier. “Alright, deal.”

 

Never would he describe this as gentle like Taekwoon always does. To him, sex like this is simply passion, it’s taking the extra time to make sure whoever he is with is sharing in all these feelings—all these powerful emotions he’s going through. It’s intensity, it’s consuming, and it’s no wonder he confuses it with love. Because it is love. Because he cares so deeply.

It’s love in some form. It’s love like Taekwoon admitted earlier. It’s love for the feelings that arise from the acts, from doing something so intimate together. And as they both take part in this pleasure, Wonsik wonders so many things.

If Taekwoon can’t distinguish the difference between being intimate with feelings involved or not, he’s blinded. To Wonsik, there’s no similarities. Their prior round was nothing compared to this. Having emotional investment, having that bond, that escalation—undeniable. 

Just like love, there is trust in some form. Taekwoon has to trust him. He has shared glimpses of his personal history, his feelings, and his true personality. Yes, curiosity to know more is still there, still so desirable, but he’s content. He’s content in seeing this as closure, as an end.

Taekwoon’s a little frantic, a bit clumsy as he grasps Wonsik’s arm, squeezing, panting, “Wonsik—Won—wait.”

“Mm?” He breathes.

“Can you slow down? I’m—close, but I don’t want this to end yet.”

“Already?”

And he admits quickly, honestly, “Yeah.”

Without hesitation. “Okay.”

 

Even with the change of pace, it’s not much longer before it’s over for both of them. Although short, Wonsik finds this round much more fulfilling. He’s quick to join Taekwoon in lying exhaustedly on the mattress. The temperature in his bedroom has become astonishingly warm, but he’s afraid opening the window will cause too much frigid air to blow in. He’s too sensitive for that right now, too tired to have to get back up to eventually close it, so he doesn’t.

They stare at one another as they breathe through this hot air. He watches how the sweat causes Taekwoon’s skin to glisten, sharing a smile over, but not receiving one back in return. Instead, Taekwoon’s eyes widen with a glint of something unreadable, and his elbow pushes into the mattress until he’s sitting up, facing forward. Quick, but Wonsik’s not alarmed by his sudden reposition. He doesn’t react much, doesn’t really move, all except for his hand which reaches out, fingers just pressing against the jut of Taekwoon’s hip.

There’s no other movements, no other words. It’s so serene that Wonsik finds it hard to recognize just how many minutes have gone by. In an ideal situation, he would love for Taekwoon to come back down, to lay against him, arms around one another as they rest, as they possibly fall asleep, but there’s no point anymore in hoping for that. His tone is soft, though, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just thinking,” Taekwoon responds, voice just as gentle.

“Thinking about what?”

There’s a slight pause, but one not noticeable enough for Wonsik to press on. “I don't like that I can see the clock so easily.”

This has his gaze focusing up, but Taekwoon’s still not looking at him. “What do you mean?”

“You cleaned off your dresser. I can see it from here now.”

He’s confused, not finding much understanding from Taekwoon even after that explanation. Then again, he’s extremely tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. His eyes shut involuntarily, touch against Taekwoon still there in case of any movements, but there aren’t. Instead, a question. Just a question.

“Do you want to see me again tomorrow?”

The phrasing is weird, his whisper difficult to confirm, but Wonsik’s worn out mind still processes it, still forms a response. It comes out smoothly alongside confidence that stems from his inability to function properly right now, to fully understand. “Mm, I want to see you every day.”

He only snaps out of the trance once he feels Taekwoon shift, once his hand falls limp against the sheets. Enlarged eyes display a helpless look out of Taekwoon as he glances upward. “Don’t… Say things like that.”

His initial thought is to say the same thing back, to not mess with him. Wonsik can’t take anymore tonight. “It happens when you have lost it all, but still somehow manage to hold on,” he explains honestly, confidently, playing along with whatever this discourse is. “And it’s still the truth.”

Nothing out of Taekwoon. No response—and Wonsik’s thankful.

“What time is it?” He follows with, picking up his hand only to rub at his eyes.

“Just after 3:00.”

“You can spend the night.”

Same as always. “I can’t. I have work.”

He feels the wobble of the bed as Taekwoon maneuvers off. It’s a scene he’s seen multiple times before—the show of Taekwoon tiredly and uncoordinatedly putting his clothes back on as he prepares to leave for the night. Even when his own body fights him, he still gets up, joining Taekwoon by sliding back into his briefs, but nothing else.

He can’t tell if Taekwoon is purposefully avoiding his gaze or not, but he’s aware of it as they leave the bedroom together. “Do you need anything before you go?”

“No, I’m good.” Is all Wonsik gets back. Taekwoon’s speed is picking up and Wonsik only stands and watches. He lifts his coat off the hook, but doesn’t put it on just yet. Instead, he stares over at Wonsik who is leaning against the wall. Another headache is beginning to form, but he ignores it right now. The look in Taekwoon’s eyes is pulling at him in a way he’s used to by now, and he follows the silent request, stepping in towards the door.

He expects Taekwoon to embrace him again, to hold onto him like he has done during the past few goodbyes they have gone through together, and there’s something nice about that thought. He’s ready for it, preparing for the warmth to return, to fill him back up for the last time. But when he gets in closer, it’s actually Taekwoon that meets him before he makes it all the way, reaching an arm outward and up, up higher than normal. And it clicks. Fingers curve around his neck, leading him, and his reach for Taekwoon’s waist pauses, changing directions completely. Their movements are much smoother in reality. His hands caress Taekwoon’s face—his drained, yet so pretty face—and tilts it up as they come together.

Lips move at a slower pace—gentle, delicate. They linger, allowing time to last even when their kisses stop. Wonsik attempts to press their foreheads together, but Taekwoon looks down enough to break them apart, sighing lightly while pushing his coat to Wonsik’s chest in attempt to stop it all.

And it works. Taekwoon’s nails gently graze his scalp as his hand pulls away and Wonsik’s arms move to take hold of the winter coat that is being used against him, the furs across the hood tickling him in a somewhat pleasant way. His gaze returns to Taekwoon after a moment, to his face, his softened expression. There’s a smile—small, but there—and that affects Wonsik more than he anticipates. His heart begins beating quickly all over again and he just stands there, gripping Taekwoon’s coat as he watches him slip back into his shoes.   

“So, um—,” Taekwoon starts, sounding extremely uncertain as he stands back up. “I’ll message you when we can meet tomorrow if you—”

He opens his mouth and Taekwoon immediately stops before words even come out. “Wait,” he says quickly, head shaking slightly, extremely confused as to what is happening. “Tomorrow? It is tomorrow already. Unless you mean Monday?”

Taekwoon’s stunned, almost thrown off as well, almost—nervous. And Wonsik can only blink at him, can only take in this look to try and analyze it in his horribly exhausted state. “Sorry—yeah, later today, I guess. Sunday.”

“Taekwoon,” Wonsik speaks slowly, his tone dropping. He wanted this to be it. To be the end. He didn’t think the short conversation while they were still in bed was serious. Taekwoon has never once initiated their meet-ups before, has never shown interest in doing so either. “Why?”

Widened eyes stare back at him. Taekwoon almost appears as if he’s about to say something, but he looks away, reaching out towards his coat. And it all happens so quickly. “Only if you want,” he seemingly finishes his thought, voice somewhat unstable.

That’s when Wonsik sees it. Just a glimpse, just for a second, but there’s panic in Taekwoon’s expression again. And just like that, Wonsik feels like he’s lost control of the situation. Taekwoon’s turned around, putting on his coat in a hurry while facing the door. Jinho’s words flash within his mind—the time in the bar, their conversation—and Wonsik reaches out, placing a hand on Taekwoon’s shoulder in an instant.

He’s not shrugged off. Taekwoon only goes still. Wonsik’s incredibly concerned, but he can’t focus on it right now. He releases a held breath, glancing down before focusing back on Taekwoon’s eyes that are now facing him again. “Okay—that’s—fine. Just… Let me know.”

His arm drops once Taekwoon nods. Better, even if just slightly, “Have a good night, Wonsik.”

He smiles, mostly forced, but in hopes Taekwoon will ease at it. He can’t tell, but as the door opens he requests one last thing. “Get some sleep.”

Taekwoon waves a hand behind him and the door shuts.

 

Wonsik’s entire body trembles, his heart beating too wildly for him to shake himself out of it. A hand cups his forehead as he sits down on the couch, staring at the same blank television opposing him before averting his gaze. His phone is turned face down against the cushion where it has remained all night and he reaches for it, illuminating the screen to see he has one missed call and one unread message. Both from Jaehwan.

 _‘Hey, how are you doing? Call me when you can. No rush… This isn’t urgent’_ 12:44 AM

He sighs heavily, placing the phone back down without looking at anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am... so tired. i have lost count just how many times i edited this. if there are issues or major grammar errors i am sorry. i tried hahaha. ANYWAY so this is why this story is 5 parts and not 2. i loved reading people's guesses about chanwoo, but now you know! it was super fun tying together all the notes i had for this part that i have written well over 6 months ago. also, i just want to say thank you for all the comments... not just on here but also on twitter and all that. ALSO ALSO i didn't realize i could respond to your comments on here?????? and i feel dumb now, but i promise i will for the future! i'm terrible i'm sorry!! i really really appreciate them all! like, i seriously cannot put into words how much i love reading through all the comments. we're on the final stretch here everyone. one more part. thank you for sticking with me and reading through 80k+ of this shit so far. that's crazy i love you  
> one last thing. if you have questions or anything i have a curiouscat (i probably won't post fic related questions to my twitter), but you can ask me there if you would like! i don't know how to link on here but my username is ravblob.


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